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Hey! My internet has been disconnected for a while now, but it’s all up and running after some work by the repairman. Hello again, let’s stay together this time. I want to kick off my newly-returned time on the ‘net with something impossible to load on the dial-up of my friends’: a video.

Somehow it’s both comforting and depressing to know, that no matter how hard I try or what skills I learn, I will never ever match the coolness of this man:

I’m as easily impressed as the next person – that is to say, not very – and XTREME anything tends to put me to sleep anymore, but…dang. This guy.

SayNoToCrack has featured funny old ads before, but this batch is a little different. While the world was still advertising cigarettes, tape worms, and spousal abuse in its popular magazines, what kind of marketing was there for the babies?

Terrifying marketing, that’s what kind.

Babies are belligerent, messy, loud, and incoherent on the best day. Who in heck decided thought giving them a sugary soda would be a good idea?

cola ad

Surely there must be something better for kids than…

babbeer

…Oh. Well now that’s just a terrible idea. I can’t believe people used to give their babies alcohol. I just hope they kept the kids away from anything harmful while they were intoxicated!

kfygsy56cm_BabyShave

Oh come on. How is a horrifying, probably-wasted baby going to sell any razors? Did people apply to marketing teams way back when? Or did the world just hate babies?

fry_baby_ad_1960_2

Apparently so! Hey, ladies! Here’s a tanning light! We promise it won’t burn you – just test it out on your brand new baby.

vintage disturbing ads11

…actually, you know what? If this is what babies looked like 50+ years ago, it’s no wonder parents were trying to cook them and drink them to death. That thing is terrifying.

You know what? Babies are terrifying. What is their deal. They’ve probably been messed up ever since the first person decided to give them caffeine and alcohol.

…So remember. Don’t cook your babies or give them drugs or let them near razors or do anything else the ’50s tell you to.

Back a few years ago a game called Guitar Hero was released and thousands of music hipsters and video game nerds united to the sound of tiny plastic guitar buttons clicking away.

Since then, the company that created the game, Harmonix, has split away and invented Rock Band, which is the same, but with a whole band. Red Octane, the group Harmonix left, kept making Guitar Hero until they realize Harmonix was onto something and made their own band game, still called Guitar Hero which is a little unfair to everyone else but whatever.

I know this is the part where I tell a joke, but I think the joke speaks for itself. Guitar Hero was given the music and likeness of a load of famous and/or influential musicians for the game Guitar Hero 5 this year, including but not limited to Kurt Cobain, Johnny Cash, and Carlos Santana. Basically, you get to play as these people, or characters you invent. Or as your X-box “avatar” which is a huge-headed weird little cartoon guy. You can mix and match characters, instruments, and even play as the same character more than once (to create, for instance, an entire band of Johnny Cash).

Rock Band was given the rights to the music and likenesses of the Beatles. They made The Beatles Rock Band, a stand-alone game based entirely on the story of the Beatles. You play as the Beatles. You cannot mix and match their instruments, nor even their venues or costumes.

Here’s a fun video of Guitar Hero 5:

Guitar Hero says: you’re giving us the likeness of a load of famous and influential artists? let’s mix and match their songs and instruments and characters! Surely that’s not disrespectful enough to get their bands, fans, and loved ones incredibly angry with us.

But then…

Rock Band says: you’re giving us the likenesses and music of one of the most famous and influential bands? okay. We’re telling their story, with their music and instruments, their imagery, and with the total supervision of the band and their loved ones. And it’s going to be amazing.

…and it’s totally amazing. I just find it highly entertaining when two titans meet this way, having taken such different paths to get to this point, and seeing what kind of mentality toward art proves the most effective.

Oh no what is this

I’m sick you guys. I don’t know if it’s the swine flu or what; I’ve got no insurance right now so I’m just hanging out here with my grapefruit, thinking about health. Grapefruit grapefruit.

So I’m wondering what new sizes my lymph nodes will swell to next, and wandering around the internet. I got stuck for a couple hours in SuperBad without realizing it, but eventually I got out and into more proper regions of the ‘net.

and then I found this.

What is this? Did I make it up? I half expect to come back to this video tomorrow and find it’s a how-to for paper plane creation or something, because wow. It’s so weird.

Isn’t it weird, grapefruit

Visitor from Beyond…

Ghost Video! The tragic death of the King of Pop has been given quite a bit of airtime this summer. I’m honestly not surprised when I find out old MJ is still getting his face onscreen even now…

I’m not good at cellphones. I just am not. I’m mean to them, and I frequently keep them in pockets they apparently hate, judging by their constant attempts to jump out of them and into giant puddles and concrete floors. I’ve resigned myself to keeping only “old person” cell phones – the kind that have giant buttons and three features and the ability to take a beating. Cheap ones. Old ones.

I see ads for things like the iPhone and my mind is filled with terrifying images of me destroying every pretty little aspect of it, from the touch screen (a terrible idea for a phone or anything) to the sleek little casings.

So I see designs for phones like this one

And I realize that there will be no place for me in this new modern world. I have to stick to giant phones so I’m assured I won’t accidentally eat them with a bag of chips…I cannot imagine what terrible things would happen to a clear phone in my house.

I think once my contract expires, I’m going to try to downgrade again. These fancy shmancy incredibly expensive and breakable toys are not for me. No, I’ll definitely have to get one of these.

Building a House of Bricks

People nowadays seem obsessed with toys and games. I now know more people who can 5-star expert on Guitar Hero than can play 3 chords on a guitar, am friends with a man who battles for his life with foam swords on the weekend, and can myself frequently be found having tea with my teddy–I mean, ah, being awesome all the time at everything. but that’s unrelated.

Until recently, I never really thought there were grown people in the world too obsessed with toys.

Until I read about this guy.

He’s building his house of bricks…Lego bricks, to be specific.


Gravity defiance a plus

On the one hand, I’m puzzled. Can such a house hold up? Will he not be building it anywhere that might have earthquakes or some kid of powerful weather? Will he have a Lego basement? Will his house have more than one floor?

It’s a neat idea, but frankly, i find it more than a little strange that a full grown man is honestly considering living in a house of toys.

…Actually, you know what? If there’s a ballpit room in the house, I might just have to becoming that man’s new best friend my top priority. For that matter, forget the friend part, I’m just going to steal his house.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and in the past I’ve been accused of not picking on the mainstream enough, so here you go. I work at a factory these days, and at that factory there are three radio stations we rotate through: country, classic, and top 40.

Played most frequently these days on the “popular music” channel is the song “Gives You Hell,” by the All American Rejects. It is probably the most unintentionally hilarious song the station plays right now, lyrically at least. It couldn’t more obviously say the exact opposite of what it’s trying to. And it does so very, very pathetically.

I once knew a girl at my university. In the first conversation I ever had with her, she stated at least six times that she was very confident and self-assured. Her facebook was loaded with information about her, why she was awesome, and quotes like, “If you don’t wanna be my friend, YOU’RE the one missing out, and I won’t miss you!”

Charming.

The point is, for all that she went on and on about her own confidence, when it came down to it, she was probably the most timid person I’ve ever met. It’s called “overcompensation.” The more you talk about how confident you are, the clearer it is you’re just trying to fool everyone. People who are truly happy almost never talk about it.

But let’s dig in to the song at hand. First verse:

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

Well, okay. That’s…that’s the whole verse. Well, it’s a pitifully short verse, but I’ll let that slide. The first stanza says the singer wakes up every day happy. Remember what I said about the girl who overcompensates?

Yeah, his next stanza insults her job. Nevermind the fact that a 9 to 5 job actually sounds pretty sweet to most people in this economy, myself included. How bad that tastes. Probably tastes like a reliable check, there Mr. What’s Audience Relatablilty?

But let’s move on to the stunning chorus:

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

That’s the desperate cry of someone who desperately wishes they were over their ex, but aren’t. It’s also the desperate cry of a 16-year-old who has yet to learn what “moving on graciously” means.

Verse two:

Now wheres you picket fence love
And wheres that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

I’m going to stop us right there. Rhyming “car” with “far”? Really? And again, equating money and possessions with happiness? I think Mr. Reject needs a priority check.

You’ve never seem so tense love
I’ve never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are

Yes, sure, she’s the one that’s tense. Not the guy who wrote a 5-verse song about how much he hopes his ex is miserable. That’s just the sign of a well-adjusted grownup.

…And why’s he observing his ex’s behavior? That’s a bit off.

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I’m lying

Whoah ho ho! A “PSYCH!” joke! I must have completely forgotten that it was 1995. “I miss you…NOT! Haha I got you!”

Poetry.

If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell

Grace.

Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where’d it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And the list probably starts somewhere along the lines of “You’re as mature as a six-year-old and relatable as a cinder block.”

Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

Haha, yes. Yes yes yes. Honestly? This whole song is completely pathetic and does the opposite of what the singer obviously wanted. The title might as well be “Overcompensation for My Misery Oh God Come Back To Me”

It’s a whiny, shallow tantrum written by someone who’s probably never been in an adult relationship in his life.

What I’m saying is, stop trying to be Beyonce. All of you.

5 Cool Video Remixes

Some people, when they watch a commercial or movie or video clip, see a commercial, or a movie, or a video clip.

Others, however, see music. Weird, weird, techno music. I have to admire the effort and skill these people put into this eccentric hobby, so here are my top favorite video remixes on the internet.

#5 Kid After Dentist

If you haven’t seen the source video yet, it’s also hilarious. But this video…this video.

#4 Why is the Rum Gone?

This guy gets bonus points from me for using sound effects within the movie to make his opening rhythm. And using that fruity awesome run Captain Sparrow cuts so many times. Props to this one as well.

#3 They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!

I honestly wasn’t going to bring this one up because it is way ancient, but you know what? Like, three years have gone by and it still makes me laugh, every single time. Also, just try and watch the movie now without hearing this song whenever those lines pop up.

It’s not possible.

#2 Expialidocious

I love this one and I’ll never be able to understand why. I almost picked this video by the same artist, but I like the variety in “Expialidocious” and “Alice” gets more attention anyway.

#1 Rap Chop

I also promised myself that I wouldn’t show this one, because it’s already old but…man. The time this must have taken, between autotuning and re-creating the rythm…then syching up the video again. I’m sure there’s an easy way to do this and I’m overthinking, but on the odd chance that it’s as hard to make this as it looks like it was, it gets number 1.

Maybe next time you see a video, you’ll be able to look beyond into the techno possibilities.

This cannot be real

What is this. It can’t be a genuine commercial:

I’m so confused. What…furniture…why?

I think the best part is the two skinny geek-looking guys singing so enthusiastically about the REEEED House! Or possibly the stunning performances by the actors. It’s like watching kids read cue-cards. “I am white. And the Red House. Is for me.”

If this isn’t fake, it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen on this hallowed internet.

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