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How to Make Yourself Happier with TV

TV is another one of those media that permeate our entire existence. How can we get along with TV and maintain a happy life?

Step 1: Stop watching TV

Haha, no but seriously.

…you’re not going to stop, are you. Fine then!

Step 1 alternate: Stop watching so much TV

Better? No? Well forget you!

Step 1 alternate alternate: Stop quoting the TV you watch

Good enough for you? I’m looking at all those schmucks who see something hilarious and have to quote it all the time. This is how genuinely funny groups like Monte Python get run into the ground, by turning something random and creative into something predictable and tiresome. It’s also how you lose friends.

A quote now and again is okay, but if I hear the phrase “That reminds me of this one time on Family Guy” more than three times a night, I sure as heck won’t be inviting you around again.

Fewer invites to fun means more time to sit on the sofa and watch TV. Do you see the vicious circle? Break it. It turns out people don’t want to be friends with someone with the personality of a television. They have televisions for that.

Step 2: Imagine all the Teen TV Shows Were Written As Jokes

Am I the only one made ill by those shows? Those shows with the 27-year-old seniors in high school who evidently have no parents and nothing to do but break the law and make each other miserable? Sometimes the very existence of shows like these can depress people. I mean, just look at their plots! Pretty…laughable, right? Something funny about them. I think it would make everyone feel better if these shows were just the height of ironic parody.


Hah! Ahahahahahahaha! Oh, man, that’s precious. What short of comedy genius could pull this off with a straight face?

No, it’s not serious. It’s a giant joke. Heck, do yourself one more favor and imagine all its raving fans get the joke, and staunchly keep it up, just for even more laughs. They know how silly it is, they’re just playing along.

Also you should stop being friends with those people.

Step 3: Don’t watch the Disney Channel

If I have to tell you why, it’s already too late.

Quick Intermission

I was going to continue the Guide to Happiness today – instead I will do so tomorrow and entertain you today with this.

How do I know Lolcats have jumped the shark? They have there very own terrifying music video.

Enjoy your nightmares. Thanks, rathergood.com.

I thought I might write a SNTC guide to Winter, just as I wrote the Summer Guide so many months ago, but I changed my mind. The Winter guide may arrive, but there’s really not a great deal to do in the winter but be cold and miserable. So, I thought instead it would be more appropriate to assemble a SNTC guide to Not Being Miserable, or in short, Being Happier.

Chapter 1: How To Make Yourself Happier with Internet

The internet is a big part of many people’s lives! Many people find themselves in the dumps this time of year; here’s how to change your internet habits to make yourself happier:

Step 1: Get off the internet.

Go on! Shoo! You’ll be glad you did!
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.

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.

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…No? Not going? Well fine then.

Step 1b: Imagine everyone is being facetious

It’s very, very easy to get yourself worked up on the internet. This guy disses your favorite movie, this Facebook Group loves what you can’t stand, this website called your hero a jerk…it’s very stressful to be online these days. So here’s a nice tip for staying happy on the internet: it’s all fake.


this doesn’t have to be you

Say it to yourself. Nobody honestly believes that, say, a tiger is breaking God’s holy law. It’s all just a bunch of sillies being tongue-in-cheek about a fun story! Haha! Oh, that sarcastic humor.

It just makes you smile, doesn’t it. Don’t ever, even for a moment, imagine anyone means anything they say on the internet. It’s all just a big game, and the only way to win is to enjoy it all.

Step 2: Imagine Youtube Commentators are Charity Driven

Bear with me here. If you want the thickest, stupidest, most difficult to laugh about worthless trash on the internet, it’s to be found in the comments of Youtube. Grammar tossed aside, spelling trampled underfoot, common sense and decency do not exist.

Unless…imagine that, for every evil post you see on a Youtube comment page…that commentator donated $1,000 to charity. Sure, you sort of wish you could dig your hands through the very tubes of the internet and strangle some dumb kid who thinks the world wanted to read his garbage on Youtube…but then, if you allow yourself to believe that, immediately after posting that, he donated a grand to a worthy charity…it’s hard to stay mad. Sure, he might be a classifiable idiot, but at least he’s doing good where it counts, you know?

Just try it. Your blood pressure will thank you.*

Step 3: Stop Reading the News

Just…don’t. The internet doesn’t check its sources, the internet doesn’t care if it’s sensational. Just don’t even bother, okay?

Step 4: Stop Commenting

If you find yourself unable to complete the previous steps and are ready to fly into a desperate rage at *~~S4ss33grrl~~* for her horrible and close-minded criticism of whatever the heck you read/look at on this wide internet, don’t. Get up, make a sandwich, come back, and navigate away.

If you must, go back and read SNTC’s 5 Reasons Why Intelligent Debate is Impossible on the Internet. You won’t win. There is no win. Not here. Not on the internet.

Step 5: Keep that Safety Filter On

This is the final step for this chapter, and one you probably already know. When you google image search, keep the safety filter on.


Do you read fanboys, by the way? You should.

I know you’re only searching for pictures of lolcats or a silly comic or a movie poster. I know you’re not wanting to defile your mind. So just…keep it on.

Keep it on!

Tune in next time for Chapter 2 of SNTC’s indispensable Guide to Being Happier

*Alternatively, next time you feel like commenting on Youtube (or anywhere), donate to charity instead. Make the myth come true.

How Behind the Times am I?

Alright, alright, alright. After the first week of school, I only just now got my schedule all taken care of. I know, I know, apparently nobody on campus likes to do things like answer phones or be clear on the rules.

College kids – have a good advisor. Mine saved my butt today after a whole week of me freaking out.

And, while I know you don’t care, that’s why my (overhyped by now) new project isn’t up yet. And, furthermore, I’ve found a very good reason to put off the reveal until February First. Why February First? You’ll see when we get there!

In the mean time, I’ve been made to feel very behind the times by these videos:

If you know the song, it’s funnier. I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without seeing these, I’ve been informed by a few friends that they’ve been around a while.

Yet, several friends confessed they’d never seen any literal videos, and so just in case some of you reading out there haven’t these are the best two I’ve found.

And finally, (and you had to see this coming)…

And no, I’m not going to let SNTC become a video blog again, I’m just a little bogged down and holy cow would you look at those? I can’t not share.

VAMPIRES

Today is the first day of the new semester for me. Hopefully in the next 24 hours I’ll be able to unveil that new feature I’ve been talking about trying out. Right now I’m just worried about classes; specifically the kinds of classes that will have me busy from 10 this morning to 9:30 tonight.

Plus, you never know when your school will suddenly fill up with vampires.

“I can’t see you anymore, there are just too many vampires!”

This is the internet. Many people will try to sell it up as an information highway, a new bridge in communications, a revolutionization of media. But we know it’s purpose is to distract us from doing anything remotely productive.

Yet…sometimes…I just wonder, with all the games in the world available at our fingertips, why some of these games are played, except for the sheer novelty of their existence.

4. Pheasant Hunter

so bad

What?
It is a Duck Hunt knockoff. It is at least eight years old.

How?
You are a 3D animated hunter in the lower left hand screen. The background is a horribly pixelated, stretched-out image of a field with mountains in the back. You let your 2D drawing of a dog loose into the field, where he farts a cloud of birds, which you must then point and click to shoot. You shoot the dog, you lose. If you shoot chickens, you get points but you frustrate the farmer.

And people play it?
Despite the hideous setup and the frustratingly difficult to see thin gray crosshairs against the blocky background, yes, people do play it, if the ever-updating high scores list is to be believed.

3. Don’t Shoot the Puppy

I killed the puppy to make this image

What?
Don’t shoot the puppy.

How?
You’ll figure it out. Sad thing is, there are walkthrus for this game.

And people play it
Yes. They do. Dang it all, they do.

2. Typer Shark

Wait a second…

What?
It’s a Yahoo! game.

How?
The sharks come. On each shark is a word. Type the word before the shark kills you.

And people play it?
Yes, they do. Slap the word “game” on something, and people forget that this is nothing but a slickly-disguised typing exercise. Why waste time on something that is actually productively helping you improve your WPM? What’s next? Spreadsheet Filler – The GAME.

1. Magic Eye Tetris

Oh lord my head.

What?
You know those magic eye pictures, right? You have to cross or reverse cross your eyes to see whatever 3D image lurks amidst the garbled colors.

How?
You cross or reverse cross your eyes to reveal the falling blocks and arrange them in neat orderly rows across the bottom of the box. It’s just like Tetris, except it makes your head hurt overwhelmingly and the playing area is also much thinner than usual, making for an all-around more frustrating game.

And people play it?
Yes, they do. Many have tried to play this game and left with a throbbing headache. Warning: do not play if you value your sight.

Again, the internet is purely for fun and games. But I just can’t help but wonder why people put themselves through such torture just for harmless distraction.

Alright, I’m off to go murder some digital pheasants.

Top Blog posts

As voted by the Bloggers. It’s looking like New Feature won’t be up until Tuesday (I have this sinking feeling this is a lot of buildup for something mediocre, but there’s really nothing I can do til I get to my desktop back on campus).

In the meantime, however, here‘s a link I’ve been meaning to share but simply haven’t for a variety of excuses.

I think it’s a very neat idea; asking writers to submit what they believe is their most interesting article. I think it would be neater still to compare their choice to the choice of say, the readers. But that would be a potentially difficult poll to take.

You’ll recognize SNTC on there, as well as a host of other interesting sites. If I may brag, my featured article is probably the least political (if the silliest) of them all. Except maybe not, I ‘unno. Chapter 1 of the Summer Guide was not the best chapter, but I figure, start at the beginning.

And hey, if you think I picked the wrong article, let me know. I’m interested to hear what you think.

While I prepare the new feature for presentation here (equipment issues- c’est la vie), here’s a most interesting bit of odd news…

A seafood restaurant in New York City recently released a lobster whose estimated age would make it older than Sherlock Holmes, apparently solely for the reason that it was really old.

Now, forgive me, but this seems a little backwards. Frankly, I’d be more likely to let a lobster go simply because it was so young. But this particular lobster has, according to a PETA “rule of thumb,” was old enough to have experienced life before many of us were twinkles in our great-grandparents’ futures. And, at this particular restaurant, the lobster (George) would have fetched over $500.

Now, thumbs and their rules aside, I can’t help but think, if we were to more frequently toss back the young lobsters, there would be more old lobsters in the future for us to catch. And, with more old ones more readily available, perhaps it wouldn’t be such a big deal when several-hundred-dollar lobsters like George were discovered.

And if it weren’t such a big deal to see 20lb.lobsters…maybe, just maybe they wouldn’t cost over $500. Seriously; lobsters are the cockroaches of the sea and they’re worth more money than I am.

George has been let go by now, to live the remainder of his great big expensive, crusty creepy life in the grand old ocean. The potential meal, the potential money, right back into the watery blue. There’s a strange lesson in all of this; a sort of statement of society and the endurance of nature.

However, I’m far too frustrated to see it. All this means for me is, I may have to hitch a ride up to Canada, catch me a George, and fix myself the most expensive meal I may ever eat.

$500. Good grief.

Explain myself.

Karen you said you’d be back at SNTC.

Why, yes I did.

So what’s the deal?

Well, that’s a long story…Once upon a time, there was a blogger named Karen. She was going on a long voyage across the state.

But when she got there, she got herself into a car wreck!

That’s lame.

I know! But the only obvious damage was to the hood, which wouldn’t open. Being so far from home, our brave Karen decided to tough it out and wait until she returned from her trip to get her car fixed.

That’s dumb.

Well…maybe, but hindsight is like that. But anyway! On her way back home, our heroine’s car decided to finally allow the hood to open. On the highway. In the rain.

But our brave Karen was not afraid too much. Her cell phone was dead, so she bravely went out and fought with the hood of her car, forcing it down and binding it with a scarf.

A scarf.

Karen does not have rope in her car.

But a scarf?

Yes. So. Wearied, she then carefully made her way to the mystical foreign land of Lincoln Illinois.

A life-saver.

A life-saver.

Being a stranger there, she made for the first familiar site; an AT&T. “Aha!” she cried. My own phone provider! Surely they will help me charge my phone and call for aid!

But alas, such help was not to be. For little did Karen know that the AT&T store was guarded by an evil troll who gave no favors to young bloggers seeking shelter from the danger and the rain. Luckily, a cute blonde happened to approach the counter, distracting all the troll’s attention away from our heroine, who found a charger and purchased it from a kind employee at the side disk, after which she made her escape.

To save the day!

To save the day!

Not long she came upon an Auto Parts store. The wise man running the counter found her a sturdy strap and helped her secure her automobile’s hood down! Karen was saved!

Yet, the force of the hood against her windshield wipers had ruined them, and she was forced to stop early at her apartment on her campus, rather than continuing home to her family.

Is this story over yet?

There Karen was met by the wicked witch of the house, who broke her things and stole her food, and kept the temperature at 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

Scary.

Luckily, in the course of the next week Karen escaped the evil witch’s lair, into a new nicer apartment, and the wicked witch was sent away from her cave and forced to dwell in a different place, with new innocent victims to terrorize.

The end?

Basically. However, between her trials with having no car, moving all her things from one place to another, and trying to be a good productive person, she has been sadly kept away from her dear SayNoToCrack.

What’s the moral of the story?

Things usually don’t get bad unless they’re going to get worse.

And what have you to say for yourself?

I’m super sorry?

And how will you make it up to us?

With a new SayNoToCrack feature that hasn’t been attempted in over a year. It’s going to be good.

Promise?

Sure why not.

Happy Holidays!

Well, it’s been a nice break. Hope you all had a nice holiday, and are looking forward to a nice new year.

The stress of Christmas has come and gone this year, but that doesn’t mean we can’t look back and remember…here are some fun old vintage Christmas ads…

Two ways to say “Merry Christmas”: “Cancer” and “Emphysema”.

And “wow that’s a giant carton of cigs.”

Victorian Cards

I can’t really read this one very well, but I share it here because I love the image of Victorians selling all their cards attached to babies. You wanted a friendly greeting? Well now you get a BABY AS WELL. Nah but I’m pretty sure those Victorians liked babies or something. They all kind of look like aliens though.

Get Shown up by Santa!

I don’t know, I don’t think I’d buy a Zippo based on this ad. Seems like Zippo owners are jerks. I mean, here’s this guy having a little trouble with his lighter, and bam. Santa’s gotta come down and steal all his thunder with his fancy shmancy Zippo thing. Weak, Claus. Weak.

Ah, vintage ads. No matter how jaded and angry at the modern consumer-driven Christmas we become, we can at least know that it’s been going on for a long, long time.

Happy Holidays.

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