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How’s this for a crazy front page story … I guess my drive to work is going to be pretty easy tomorrow!

Strange Newspaper Clipping

Update: Yes, this was a joke. Based on my e-mail responses (and a few comments), it seems like a couple may have fallen for it initially … probably helped that schools were actually out (but due to winter break).

If you want to create your own news flashes, check out The newspaper clipping generator.

I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, primarily because I know I’d never keep them. This year I’ve decided I’m going to make 10 resolutions that I’ll personally be able to keep, and wanted to share them with you:

10. I will not eat shark, at least in any form other than soup

9. I will cut my hair at least once during 2007

8. I will remember to eat at least once each day, unless I’m fasting, in which case I’ll remember not to eat

7. I will quack like a duck at least once each day (only applies to those days where I wake up as a duck)

6. If I see another UFO or am abducted, I will keep it to myself instead of being ridiculed again on national TV

5. If a dog bites me, I will not bite it back unless it is smaller than me and has short hair that will not get caught in my teeth

4. If I ever receive it, I will trade in the AK-47 I was offered by an Afghani vigilante via e-mail for a Blendtec blender (or a Jack Lalanne juicer, whichever the local pawn shop has in-stock at the time)

3. I will not use any words I don’t understand to sound smart unless they are from dead languages (or French) where nobody could possibly be offended by my blatant misuse

2. I will not eat pumpkin pie with whipped cream while taking a shower … if the craving persists, I’ll take two showers and eat each separately

1. If I see a monkey for sale, I will not buy it. Even if it is really really affordable and offers to pay his own way when hitting the local hot spots

Happy New Year everyone! :)

My first book for Dummies!

OK, so really just my first Dummies book cover ;). I probably wouldn’t know how to even write such a book, but I had fun making the cover:

(make your own here)

Not one to follow popular opinion or conventional wisdom, President Bush demonstrates his firm belief that the heart is actually located right underneath his belly button:

George Bush Heart in Abdomen

After this picture was taken, reporters queried the President on his odd hand placement during the national anthem. The president had this response:

“Look here, heart disease is about as real as global warming and the Easter bunny. The U.S. needs to start thinking economenically, rather than wasting Billions chasing rabbits down fox holes. It’s high tide we instead put our eggs where our chickens are hatching. You see, I talk to dead soldiers everyday, or sometimes just watch them on The Google, and they make me realize that we need to stay the course instead of just spending money on ridiculous pork belly programs and human-interested stories.”

To demonstrate his commitment to this statement, he has also decided to withdraw the United Stated delegates from the International Academy of Cardiology, since he and his hand selected group of scientists have found no proof that the heart even exists, let alone that it can cause any problems.

The other week, I heard a great comedy skit on the radio that was perfect for Christmas. The title was “Let’s put Christ back in Christmas”. I believe this was on NPR (or maybe I had just switched from NPR), so I was rather surprised when these Irish folk singers started singing … here’s approximately how it started:

Let’s put Christ back in Christmas
Right back where he belongs
Let’s keep him there for all to share
and back in your favorite Christmas songs

They were very serious up until this point, and then the one singer says “so, let’s insert Jesus back into Christmas carols … Pat, how bout the first one?” … which Pat followed up by singing:

Frosty the Snowman
Was Jesus Christ’s best friend
And he stood there melting by the Cross
Until the bitter end…

At which point I almost drove off the road. They then talked for a little and sung 5 or 6 other made-up Christmas carols. The rest of them were pretty funny too (and mostly nonoffensive), but can’t remember the lyrics for the life of me. If you have heard this bit (or want to make up your own songs), pass some along. Update: I found a production version of this song on YouTube … check it out here:

(if you can’t hear the song, click here)

I’d hate to leave anyone out, so while we’re putting Christ back in Christmas, let’s also put Han back in Hanukkah!
Han back in Hanukkah!

For all of you signing off for the weekend, have a Merry Christmas (or hope you’ve enjoyed your Hanukkah)!

On Jay Leno the other week, Jay was talking about first dates. During Jay’s ramblings, I realized that my last first date was over 10 years ago and that I’d now be the absolute worst person to ask for advice. I can’t imagine how little help I’ll be able to provide my son in another 10-15 years when he starts dating: “If you forget her name, don’t try to make up some cute fake name like ‘Poopsie’ for her.”

While I’d be worthless as a dating coach, I realized I was very good at recognizing the key components for a BAD first date. In particular, phrases that would take a first date from sparks to ashes instantly. Here are my top 10:

10. Don’t worry, the Doctor says it’s just a rash…

9. When we get married we should …

8. Toothpaste? What’s that???

7. You don’t want to know what the voices are saying about you right now.

6. Oh, I’ve had tons of first dates, but golly-gee, I have a feeling you’re gonna be my first second date ever!

5. When I was a woman I …

4. I realize this might seem a little sudden given that we just met … but could I borrow six hundred and fifty three dollars?

3. Sorry I’m late, me and the wife just had a big fight.

2. Do you mind if I record any of this?

1. My Dad says I’m the best kisser in the county (anyone know what movie this is from?)

Bonus: I’m a ventriloquist, mind if I bring my sidekick?
ventriloquist date
(thanks to Mikipedia for the pic)

Your turn … Have any other good ones?

A little Medical Humor

If you’ve frequented doctors’ offices, you may have found (as I have) that most doctors are pretty funny. In fact, I’ve found there to be an inverse relationship between the price of the office visit and the comedic strength of a doctor’s conversation – the more you pay, the funnier (s)he gets … and vice versa.

I believe they call this the Hypocrit’s Oath (not to be confused with the Hippocratic Oath): “I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Risus, and Ulterius that I shall not strip patients of large sums of money without telling them at least one good joke. If they cannot pay, I swear that I will resort to jokes such as ‘Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure’* to assuade any discontent and release the bonds on their purses.”
*) Apparently this means: “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” Latin experts, correct me if I’m wrong.

So here are a few jokes that I’ve heard either directly from, or about, doctors over the past few weeks:

Woman in room 219
A woman telephoned Memorial Hospital, and quietly asked: “Hello, can I please speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?”
The nurse she was transferred to replied, “I’d be happy to help, what’s the patient’s name and room?”
Woman: “Thank you dear, her name is Anna Decker, room 219.”
Nurse: “I have wonderful news for you then! She is doing very well, her blood test came back normal, her heart is fine, and her doctor said she’ll probably be able to go home on Tuesday.”
Woman: “What a relief, thanks for the information!”
Nurse: “Of course, would you like to come in visit Anna, is she your sister?”
Woman: “No, I’m Anna Decker in 219 … nobody tells me squat!”

Don’t overestimate patient intelligence
A woman came running into the emergency room screaming “help help, my little girl is allergic to insect bites and she just swallowed a bunch of ants!” An attendant came over and after finding that the girl had only eaten 5 or 6 ants reassured her that she would be fine, and asked that the woman just take a seat and wait to make sure the girl didn’t show any signs of a reaction. The woman replied: “oh, so you’re saying I didn’t need to give Clara that ant poison to kill the ants she ate?”
(as ridiculous as the situation is, what’s not funny is that some parents are actually that dumb)

If you can’t read it, ask
A woman took her baby into the pediatrician for an earache. The baby was crying hysterically, so he quickly prescribed ear drops and just told the woman to follow the directions. On the prescription, he wrote “2 drops in right ear, every four hours”. To save time, he abbreviated “right” by just writing an R.

A few days later the woman took the baby back in to see the doctor, and the baby was still screaming. The doctor asked “what happened, haven’t you followed the prescription?” The woman, exasperated, replied “Yes, I have the empty bottle right here … doc, I don’t what you were trying to pull, but now I have a baby with an earache a really greasy bottom from all those drops.”

The doctor, trying to hold back laughter, looked at the bottle and sure enough saw the following on the label:
warning label

And finally, a silly/gross one I just made up:
When he finally came home, Billy asked his dad: “Where’ve you been all day?”
Dad: “Well son, first I had to have a prostate exam and then had a few drinks afterward to unwind.”
Billy: “So instead of lollipops the doctors gave you juice?”
Dad: “Well, I guess you could say the doctor gave me something else instead of a lollipop, then I got juice when it was over.”
The next week, Billy’s mom took him into the doctors for his annual checkup. On the way to the office, Billy grabbed a lollipop and as he entered the room and handed the lollipop to Dr. Leppo, saying: “Here you go, give me a prostate exam, and make it juicy.”

Eeeewwwww. Maybe I should stick with other people’s jokes? 😉

Funny Google search phrases

If you run a website, you’ve probably looked through the logs to see how people reached your site. Out of curiousity today, I checked how people reached Say No to Crack from Google. Given that we’re a humor site (or at least try to be), I was expecting something random and funny. I wasn’t let down.

Bart at Blackboard

First, here’s a few searches that made sense:

  • Crazy celebrity baby names – Wow … we had a post entitled What’s up with Crazy celebrity baby names! Funny how that works. 😉
  • Say No to Crack – A much more popular search phrase than we’d expect.
  • Kung fu baby – Yes, we posted a video of a Kung Fu Baby. Pretty funny/cute little baby.

There were also some search phrases that certainly were a bit of a stretch:

  • Redneck contest pictures – We never used the term ‘redneck’, which means there must be a shortage of Redneck Contests. If you have a site and want extra readers, this may be your ticket to internet stardom.
  • Would you want to be immortal? – We did ask you What superpower would you Choose, but it seems like a strange question to ask Google.
  • Free geometry websites for 9th graders – This was my biggest surprise. Over 500 people searching for something related to Geometry landed on our page in the past 7 days alone. Hopefully these students found other sites as well, as our High School Geometry Test probably didn’t help them improve their grades!

Now the funny ones. There were over a thousand searchers who typed in something completely random to get here. These must be the folks who scroll to page 387 of the Google search results and randomly pick a site, since most of these have NOTHING to do with Say No to Crack:

  • did your wife really fart – I’m sure we don’t have the answer!
  • pictures of really funny looking monkeys – luckily none of us posted our pictures, or this person would have had what they wanted
  • top 100 things yoda might say in bed – such as “Yessss, forget to brush my teeth I did”?
  • what would it look like to have your sinuses ripped out – YUCK!
  • how to send subliminal messages on myspace“be my friend”, “be my friend”, “be my friend” always works for me
  • pregnant fart gas – 2 people actually typed in this one, I don’t even want to know why
  • marry your cousin – looking for a how to?
  • how to say aunt in norwegian – apparently it is tanten, now you know (haha on me: a Norwegian reader pointed out it’s “tante”)
  • my farts stink – and they were trying to find out who else shares their ‘problem’?
  • what happens when you dont bath – a hint: limburger cheese can be cultivated from humans too
  • how do you make real friends – possibly from the same kid who asked the prior question?
  • elvis is the worst roommate – pmmm … this person seems to have insider information
  • delete friends harddrive practical joke – suuuurrre … sounds like a nice harmless little prank

What did you think? Also, if you have a website and check these statistics, do you get equally random keyword search referrals through Google, or were these particularly strange?

weight on neutron starA few weeks ago, I read the following nerdy physics joke: A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender hands him one and says “for you buddy … no charge”

Immediately I thought … “Wow, I can write better nerdy jokes than this!” So here’s my attempt … these are all silly little jokes I just made up:

What did one electron say to the other electron during their wedding ceremony?
How am I supposed to get close enough to kiss you if you’re always being so negative!

Why did the neutron turn down the proton’s proposal for a date?
She didn’t feel much attraction towards him.

Why did the proton turn down another proton’s proposal for a date?
She found him downright repulsive.

What’s an electron’s favorite dance move?
The electric slide of course!

And now a longer one:
A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender flatly says “No way”
Proton: But why not, you gave my buddy Electron a drink, and you gave one on the house to that cute neutron!
Bartender: I think you know why.
Proton: I have no idea!
Bartender: Are you sure you don’t know why?
Proton (now angry): I’M POSITIVE!!!
Bartender: Exactly, now get out here.

That’s about as creative as I can get on a Friday night … what do you think?

locker roomIf you’re like me, you sometimes dread going into a locker room. I’m not sure why, but Gold’s gym is the worst. Their locker rooms ALWAYS smell like the inside of a sock that’s been sitting in a broken toilet for a month (no, I’ve never actually smelled such a sock, but that’s the closest my imagination can come to the actual smell). Between work and home, there are four Gold’s, and even the brand new one smells far worse than your typical locker room … yuck.

What’s worse is that the Gold’s locker rooms are always filled with people who want to sit around in the buff chatting away like it’s Starbucks. Do they not realize the more you talk the more you have to breathe??? Or are they trying to prove that they can handle the stench better than their other half naked brethren? Is it a minor victory when they see someone run back to their cars, never to return again?

Maybe … which is why I actually end up putting up with the smell, and even chat a litte. Since I’ve realized that I’m just perpetuating the problem, I’m thinking that the next time I’m at Gold’s (which may be never), I’ll hang up a sign that says YES, this room stinks! You don’t need to pretend that you like it in here”.

Really though, wouldn’t the world would be a better place if filled with such signs? Much more entertaining than “If you leave your lock on the door overnight, it will be cut off and confiscated”.

Given the circumstances, the chatting can be pretty annoying, sometimes even a little unnerving, which is why I’ve put together my list of the top 10 things you don’t want to hear in the locker room:

10. I’m completely unpredictable when people look at me the wrong way

9. Oh no! Anybody see my kid’s pet hamster (or gerbil, mouse, snake, etc)?

8. Ah … there’s no place I’d rather be than right here

7. I forgot my sandwich in the shower, can you grab it for me?

6. While the doctor’s still don’t have a name for it, they said that, luckily, only my feet are contagious

5. I can’t reach my back, can you help dry me off?

4. Ummm … anyone have some a few extra rolls of toilet paper and a mop?

3. Hey! Come here and check this out!

2. Looked like they cleaned up the blood, poor (insert name) … I imagine the imagery by this one would be far worse for men than women

1. I was admiring you in the shower and …

Without getting too graphic, has anyone ever say something similar while you were in the locker room? #10, #9, #4, #3, #2, and #1 are all from personal experience (mostly from high school though). Maybe that’s why I’m so leary of Gold’s now. 😉

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