Well, after a brief break, we’re ready to resume our guide to Summer fun! Today’s chapter…

Chapter 4 - Food!

There are so many wonderful summer foods to try! Eat up!

Plants!

Now is the time to enjoy fruits and vegetables, because they’re growing like crazy! They’re green and leafy and healthy, and they…oh forget it, let’s skip ahead!

Fried Everything!

Who cares what it is? It’s fried!

More like it! Summer is the time for killing your heart! People fry everything in the summer, and all the best summer foods are fried. Funnel cakes, corn dogs, onion rings, hush-puppies, fried fish, french fries, these are staples. But wait, there’s more! Fried cheesecake, fried oreos, fried snickers! Fried pickles, fried zuccini, fried chicken! And what to wash it down with? Fried cola!

Hear that gentle sobbing? That’s your arteries. Yippee!

Ice Cream!

The ultimate summer food. It is cold, it is sweet and sticky, it comes in far more flavors than 32, it is perfect. It can even be fried!

What are you waiting for? Fry yourself a big slice of summer today!

Chapter 2: Fish!

You can fish in the summer! Fish may not be delicious to everyone, but they always are if you catch them yourself. That tasty flavor is not fish, it’s pride.

All you need is a pole, some fishing line, a hook, some bait, maybe a bobber…probably a net, and something to string the fish up, and a bucket…maybe a cooler. Probably you’ll want some snacks too. And drinks, definitely. Hand sanitizer too. Pliers. Scissors. A stomach of steel.

One of summer’s simplest joys!

Here are a few fish you might find in the summer!

1. Catfish!

Hi! I’m a catfish! Oh hey, a hook, let’s swallow it as deep as possible because my lips are thicker than any fish’s should be, and it’d go down easy I think. Also I like to hurt people. And hey check out my creepy slimy worm skin. And my whiskers aren’t hair they’re just extensions of me; they have nerves and everything. Also i eat poop. Actually, I’m kind of a despicable fish.

2. Bluegill!

Hello! I’m small and cute and my belly is yellow. I’m not that hard to catch so you think it’ll be fun reeling me in and then you realize the second I hit the ground I’m completely covered in spiky horrible fins that cut you. Also, since I’m a fish and therefore filthy, look forward to that cut getting infected! Woohoo!

3. Crappie

Yeah with a name like that I really don’t beat around the bush.

There are hundreds of fish out there waiting to be caught some fine summer evening! Go wild! Did you know that while goldfish crackers are delicious, actual goldfish are pretty terrible for eating? Now you know!

Well summer is about halfway finished, and if you’re like me, you feel like you’re letting it slip by, working nine hour shifts in an unairconditioned factory and praying every night for the world to ban boats and boat parts and factories that package them.

But do not let the rest of this wonderful season pass you by! Here at SNTC headquarters, we want you to enjoy your time to the fullest, especially these sweet summer days, and so here are some notable attractions for you to notice and appreciate this season.

Chapter 1: Berries!

Berries! Berries are delicious fruit. They grow and ripen in the summer! Did you know berries actually do not grow in little perforated plastic containers in your grocer’s fruit section? They grow outdoors! In summer! Here are a few of the most enjoyable berries you may come across this summer…

Strawberries

Hi! We are strawberries! We grow low to the ground on vines. Our seeds are on the outside, so you can’t tell if you’re biting into a delicious clean fruit, or a terrible abomination covered in tiny bugs. It looks the same! Woohoo! In the wild, we are sweet and tart and an adventure! In the market, we’re mostly bruised and the ones on the bottom are probably fuzzy and smell bad. Terrific!

Blackberries

Did you know that before it was a phone, the blackberry was a fruit? It’s true!

We are blackberries! We grow on tall bushes that are conveniently covered in terrible thorns, in areas where there are plenty of trees to block any wind! Nice and hot and stagnant air, perfect for summer berrypicking! Oh yeah! All the best, biggest, juiciest blackberries grow at the very top, where you have to impale yourself thousands of times to reach us. Hope you don’t like skin on your arms as much as you enjoy tiny berry clusters filled with tough little seeds. Our seeds are just small enough to get permanently wedged in your molars! Hooray!

Mulberries

We grow on super tall trees! We are strange and sweet and alluring. We stain everything we touch, and attract every brand of bug and bird (watch what you’re eating)! Party time! Also, heaven help the poor sap who decides to park his car under a mulberry tree! The birds’ poop is pink, man! Fantastic!

Raspberries

Eh, we’re okay I guess.

There are MANY kinds of berries out in the summer wilderness for you to investigate! Do not let these days slip by - SNTC says: summer is AWESOME.

And this one. This one had to be done.

Misunderstood Song #5: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

What People Think: It’s based on a picture John Lennon’s son drew of his classmate Lucy (in the sky with diamonds).

The Truth: I know it’s a frequently-denied, controversial topic, but this song for me will forever be about drugs.

I’ll buy that maybe a kid drew a picture. I’ll even buy that he made it about Lucy in a sky of diamonds. But I won’t believe that nobody noticed the LSD thing. I know the Beatles all deny it vehemently, but I won’t believe that there’s just no trace of drug in this song.

I mean, I’ve never done a single illegal drug in my life, or even seen one, and I’m able to pick up on the druggyness of this song.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she’s gone.

Cellophane and kaleidoscopes and slowed down time?

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.

And I know you’ve heard this song, and how very heaavily “high” is emphasized there. They can’t not have known. They can’t not have known. Every kid who bought the album and ran home to listen recognized it right away.

Sure. This is completely sober.

It’s not not about drugs. The people who think drugs had nothing to do with it and it was all Lewis Carrol and Children’s Drawings just might be under the influence themselves.

In Conclusion: This doesn’t mean I don’t like the song.

This also concludes Misunderstood Lyrics week. Thanks for playing along.

When it comes to a negative song being mistaken for a positive song, I could just say look here and pop off for the day but I will not. Instead I wrote another one.

Misunderstood Song #3: Good Riddance

What everyone thinks: That it’s a happy farewell song. Great for graduations.

The truth: GAH just look at the title! It’s a snarky break-up song to an ex-girlfriend.

The problem is, radios promoted this song under the title “Time of Your Life,” which that Greenday guy said was a far too “level-headed” title for it.

Most people on the street know it as their prom song, “Time of Your Life,” a sweet sappy goodbye. Rethink. Its proper given title is “Good Riddance.”

“Good Riddance.”

Now replay the lyrics, with the title and the context (a break-up) in mind.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

They’re a wee bit bitter now that you think of it aren’t they?

In Conclusion: Think about context before you ever play this song again. Graduation? No. Prom? No. Break-up? Yes. Glad to see someone leave forever? Yes.

I mean, it’s Good Riddance for crying out loud.

We need a little love up in here.

Top Misunderstood Song #2 - The Number of the Beast

What Everyone Thinks: It’s a Satanic song! It celebrates Satan, and is BAD.

The Truth: It is not bad. It is awesome.

The song isn’t so much in celebration of Satan as it is in terror of him. Basically, the guy has witnessed a Satanic ritual, though whether it’s in real life or a dream is uncertain…

What did I see? Could I believe? That what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy

Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me?

…

Torches blazed and sacred chants were phrased
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires are burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can’t go on I must inform the lord
Can this still be real or just some crazy dream?

While somewhat scary, this image is one of the milder examples of terrifying 80’s hair.

Ultimately, the storyteller is so freaked out that he goes to tell the authorities what’s happening, but gets sucked into the madness and oh no what now.

But that’s the thing. It’s not, hooray! Rituals! It’s, Oh, no. Rituals.

The thing about Iron Maiden is, they spend a lot of time singing about history, or being afraid. If you’re scared of the devil, you might relate to The Number of the Beast.

I can understand this kind of confusion ‘way back when this first came out and there was no Google to check the lyrics. But it’s now time to look closer. We have the internet.

In conclusion: If Bruce Dickinson and Judy Garland had a baby, that baby’s vibrato would surely be strong enough to shatter even the strongest foundations of the world.

Hello hello! I know things here have taken a real musical bent lately, but my current place of employment involves me doing nothing but standing in place, packing boxes, and listening to whatever station the factory is playing this day. It’s on my mind.

This week I’ll be doing a series of my top 5 Most Misunderstood Songs Ever, one a day. Today’s song is:

Most Misunderstood Song #1: Sweet Home Alabama

What everyone thinks: It’s a song about Alabama, which makes a pretty sweet home. Maybe it’s the state anthem or something.

The Truth: It’s pretty much anti-anti-racism. That’s racist, for those following along.

Let’s have a history lesson. Once upon a time African Americans were segregated in the US. This was a hugely dumb idea, and so a law was passed to integrate our society. Unfortunately, the racism didn’t stop there. Alabama was notably hesitant in its movement forward.

Niel Young saw this racism going on and said to himself, that’s a pretty lame thing. And so he wrote two songs: Southern Man and Alabama. They basically said, hey. Stop that racism thing. Also you should apologize for being a jerk, Alabama.

Was it wrong of him to pick specifically on Alabama? Maybe. But the Band Lynyrd Skynyrd was having none of it. They couldn’t bear to see Alabama called out in this way. So then, THEY wrote a song.

Sweet Home Alabama.

Makes all those “I heard Niel Young sing about her” and “Southern Man don’t need you ’round anyhow” lyrics make more sense if you didn’t know.

In Conclusion: People need to get over this song. It’s a song written to hate on a song written to hate on racism. Plus how many people who love this song have even been to Alabama? I don’t even think the majority of Lynyrd Skynyrd were from Alabama. If any. Holy cow.

To The Writers of Songs:

Hey. I’d just like to start off saying, congratulations. You do for a living what high school students everywhere fill whole notebooks with in hopes that their “deep” and “inspired” lyrics will one day make them rich, or at least cool. This, as you probably know, never works, but to be quite honest…your work isn’t much better these days. I’ve compiled a list of suggestions to help you up your game.

1. Rhymes. You should get some new ones.

Invest in one of these things maybe?

Here are a few rhymes that could use a few decade’s vacation:
“Friend” and “End.” Yeah, yeah, friends to the end. It’s bad. Stop now.
“Pain” and “Rain.” There is absolutely nothing you can add to this rhyme.
“Alone” and “My own.” It’s a rhyme that relies on redundancy. You’re better than that.
“Ever” and “Never.” Jeeeeez.
“Love” and “Above.”
“Right” and “Night.”
“Night” and “Sight.”
Let’s just leave night out of it.
“Air” and “Care” (thanks Freelanceguru for the reminder there)
“Joy” and “Boy”
“Said,” “Dead,” “Head.” Any “-ed” rhyme. They’re all washed up. Plus the English Language is pretty much cheating in your favor, what with the entire past tense ending that way.

I’m sure there are others, but I’m sure you can pick out the rest. That’s a good running start. Also, stop using assonances. You don’t do it well, you need practice. It just sounds reeeallly lazy and bad. “Girl” does not rhyme with “World” under any circumstances (thanks for that one, Kelly, can’t believe I forgot it).

Stop tacking extra words and filler phrases onto lines so that you can half-butt a rhyme. That “that’s right” or “oh yeah” or whatever…they’re all just fluff to fill up syllables and set up bad rhymes. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if you did the artsy thing and just gave up on rhyming altogether, it works for Coldplay. And please stop using the phrase “you know what I mean.” There’s no guaranteeing that. Stop stop stop. It’s cheap filler, we can tell.

2. Take a breath. You can always write another song later.

Your song should not be this crammed full of concepts.

Nowadays the fashionable song length is between three and five minutes. Any longer and the popular culture starts to get a little antsy and their minds start to wander off into green pastures and candy forests. And we understand that it’s a little hard for an artist to get the messages they need across in such a short time.

So don’t try. Pick one or two concepts. Pick one or two key phrases. Write them. The end. Nowadays songs are so wordy and full of themselves it’s hard to bear. Stay cool. Just pick a couple key messages and save the rest for other songs. I’m tired of having a thousand different cliche’s packed into one song. I mean, come on.

3. Grammar exists. Stop ignoring it.

I think this might be a pun.

Stop killing grammar. Stop it. I’m tired of those songs that uses the phrase “myself from me” just for the sake of a rhyme (in one of these songs, that rhyme is “me” and “street.” See number 1). Nothing “be” anything. I don’t be hungry. I am hungry. That lipstick does not be poppin’. It is poppin’. I don’t even know what that means. It pops? You could just say it pops, Lil’ Mama! My point is, “is” and “be” have the same number of syllables, come on!

Double negatives. Stop. Hanging prepositions. Stop them.

Hope these tips help, there are more where those came from if you ever need them (these three are free).

Sincerely Yours.

Karen at Saynotocrack.com

I’ve done a number (4 I think) of these Breakin’ it Down articles, and I’ve consistently been harangued for one thing (though granted, less and less): I keep picking on “nice” bands and “nice” songs.

Of course, when a person picks on a nice song, it must mean they listen only to evil songs according to internet logic. But, the fact it makes me sad when the music on the stations I listen to is horrible, horrible quality; regardless of family-friendliness.

Plus it would hardly do to break apart a very obscene song for a clean humor site, now would it?

But, I do recognize variety as the spice of life, and decided that I would break down a Mainstream Song just for you! So I cranked up that old “radio” and hit the “seek” button and decided I would break to bits the first random song to hit “my ears.

It was “Carry on My Wayward Son” and I don’t know what kind of evil soulless witch you think I am, but needless to say, I hit “seek” again to find something more breakable. It’ll be a clever day with Paris Hilton when I raise my hand against art.

Anyway! I listened through about five hours of commercials and was just about to give up on my will to live when a song came on! Aha!

3-and-a-half soul-beatingly dreadful minutes later, and I was forced to ask myself a very difficult question. Did I just listen to an entire song…a rap song no less…about dang lip gloss?

“Lip Gloss.” By…oh jeez…”Lil’ Mama”

Its poppin (4)

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker
and all the boys keep stoppin

Well…it starts out…vivaciously. No music, just a strong rhythm and a bunch of lyrics. About…lip gloss.

Mac Mac, Loreal yep cause I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That’s probably the reason all these boys got crushes

Can’t say nothin. Rhyming crushes with crushes. At one point she rhymes “virtue” with “universal.” Got them most watermelon. What you know bout me. It be poppin’. It is not popping. It is be poppin’.

Okay, okay. I’m stopping.

I’m stopping! NO!

There is NO REASON why anybody should have a hard time figuring out why I don’t do these kinds of songs. Lip gloss? This whole song is about why LIP GLOSS made this girl popular. LIP GLOSS.

LIP GLOSS PEOPLE LIP GLOSS.

Why do I even feel the need to say this is stupid garbage? Why? It should be inherently obvious! And I’m not going to do it! Just…listening to that song made me want to swallow razor wire, and I’ll be darned if I let my blood pressure rise any more by thinking about it. There are other verses, find them for yourselves. If you can’t figure out why this song is unfetteredly terrible and make your OWN witty jokes about the real reason the boyz prolly keep on jockin and chasin after school, then my pointing it out here really would not make any difference.

It’s a lip gloss commercial, people. A L’oreal lipgloss commercial. Why does this girl make money. It’s the saddest story in the world.