Subscribe Now!

Archive for the 'Not News' Category

nazgul_perp.jpg

Authorities said in a statement today that a high-ranking Nazgul has been arrested on criminal charges in a scheme to embezzle millions from the government of Mordor. Grundir the Implacable, the undersecretary for Evil Ring Acquisition, was escorted from his home to the Minas Morgul police station.

There are nine Nazgul, or “ring-wraiths,” who are sworn to serve the dark lord Sauron. Before becoming one of the Nazgul, Grundir the Implacable was a well-known Númenorian king and hedge fund manager. Sauron saw potential in the young Grundir when he was still a mortal human and hand-picked him to be corrupted by the power of the One Ring. At 932, Grundir is the youngest of the Nazgul, but was thought to be well-liked and trusted by the other dark riders. The alleged betrayal of the Dark Lord is particularly troubling because until now it was thought that the Nazgul had surrendered their free will to become the unquestioning thralls of Sauron.

“It’s obviously very upsetting,” said Khamûl, the Witch-King of Angmar. “There was always a sense of camaraderie among us ring-wraiths. I thought we were a team. It may take centuries to rebuild that trust.”

Grundir the Implacable’s lawyer, Malindur Cohen, insisted there was no truth to the charges. “These accusations are spurious and insulting,” Cohen said. “Grundir the Implacable is a pillar of the evil community. Having no corporeal form, he has no need for money or physical possessions. Other than his winged steed and his Mordor-issued black cloak, he owns nothing, and he has no ambition beyond furthering the baneful reign of the Dark Lord.”

Sauron was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be keeping an eye on the case.

Guest post by Diesel of Mattress Police fame.

Feral Spuds Strike in Idaho

Ketchum, Idaho (Strutts News Services) – Over thousands of years humans have successfully domesticated animals, insects and plants. Domesticated animals include cats, dogs, chickens, cows, children, goats, horses, pigs and sheep, among many others. Domesticated insects include bees, and, um, other bees. Domesticated plants include corn, rice, rye, wheat, and many varieties of plants that we take for granted, like granola barensia and cocopuffsia.

In our long history of domesticating various species, early humans understood that in only one generation previously domesticated flora and fauna can, and often do, turn feral… sometimes with disastrous results.

That is exactly what happened Thursday afternoon, when tens of thousands of feral potatoes blocked State Route N US 91 from Wapello to Blackfoot, Idaho.

Potato attack

Eyewitness reports indicate that the spuds were upset about recent news reports promoting tax-funded corn subsidies for ethanol production. “We’ve seen enough!” said one, identified only as “Norgold Russet.” “Sure, corn has ears, but we’ve got eyes, and we don’t like what we see.”

With the arrival of an asphalt roller from nearby Idaho Falls, the protest disbanded slowly, leaving the denizens of Wapello in dismay. “We’re out of gravy!” exclaimed a tear-streaked Bonnie Phumph. “And the butter’s running out, too!”

Photo via Grit in the Gears

Texas Long Hens

Conroy, Texas (Strutts News Services)

The world is changing in more ways than a google times your face. In southeast Texas, recent immigrants have introduced a new breed of poultry, known locally as “Texas Long Hens”. Originally bred in China, these unusual birds measure more than 30 inches from beak to tail, and some grow to be up to 45 inches long.

long chickens
[Two Long-Hens at left compete for feed with two average sized hens.]

Rancher and founder of the Texas Long Hens Company, Tulane “Tule” Fogg, explains. “Yep they’re longer, bigger hens. But we don’t raise ’em for the meat so much as the aigs. A reglar chicken don’t lay no more than one a day. These chickens lay one long one every three days, an’ it take about three hens lined up to hatch it.”

When asked if raising Texas Long Hens required anything out of the ordinary, Fogg replied, “Well, just one thing. When they go to roost after peckin’ around all day, we gotta strap their fannies to the top of the cage so’s they don’t fall over backward.”

Although these hens are valued in the Chinese Province of Baotao, it will likely be several decades before the western populace sees the “Texas Long Eggs” on the market shelf, except, of course, in Conroy. “I filed a patent for a new eggcrate design, too,” said Fogg. “Kinda like fluorescent tube packaging.”

Sauseggs

Photos via Westwalessmallholders and eatliver

A Thai fisherman has recently caught the world’s largest Carp, weighing in at close to 260 pounds.

carp or goldfish

Japanese researchers are mourning the catch, as it turns out the monster carp was one of the original Fish Fil-A’s. The Fish Fil-A’s were a famous dance group in Japan over the past few months, and started after a researcher accidentally left his goldfish bowl in a radioactive medical lab overnight. Here’s a video of the group in training:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

After weeks of fame and fortune, the owner of the Fish Fil-A’s decided to dispatch skeptics’ accusations of feeding their fish magnets by dousing them with more radiation. The extra dosage proved disastrous for the group though. Three of the four goldfish began putting on massive weight and had to be put to sea, although the fourth is rumored to be auditioning as a backup dancer for Britney Spears’ upcoming “I’m Not Irrelevant Yet” tour.

Fish pic via Weird Asia News

Rubber Duckie

Cardiff, UK (Strutts News Services)

In 1992, 20 containers of almost 30,000 little yellow rubber duckies, were released into the wild due to a particularly violent storm in the Pacific. Over the years, the bleached and bloated toys have been washing up on beaches all over the world. Believe it or not, some actually made the crossing through the Arctic Ocean, frozen, thawed, frozen, thawed, etc., exposed to higher than normal amounts of UV radiaton, and now they are showing up on the on the shores of the UK. Because the source and location of their release is known, oceanic scientists began offering rewards for their return, in hopes of stemming a potential global catastrophe.

What hasn’t been reported is that that the duckies have been breeding. And there are mutants. Some are reportedly as big as hounds, horses, hippos and houses, blocking docks, ports and shipping routes. Dockworker’s unions all around the UK are celebrating. Stevedore 1st class Stewart “Donker” Dinkum of Tunbridge Wells explained, “Work’s light, they can’t fire us, and the pubs are open. Cheers!”

Meanwhile, the rubber duckies keep coming, unabated, with no end in sight.

On Thursday, the Associated Press, Reuters and the UK Telegraph ran the story simultaneously, connecting it all to global warming, Tony Blair and George Bush, and the US for not having an “exit strategy”.

photo via lgf, more info on the ducks at the daily mail.

Smurf Village Mushroom

After bringing joy to children for almost 50 years, the Smurfs have met a sad end. A Mexican coffee farmer stumbled on the Smurf Village near the border with Guatemala, and promptly pulled all their mushroom houses to sell as souvenirs.

While there is no official news regarding the fate of the Smurfs, Jose Gargamel (the farm’s owner) issued this statement:

“We are deeply saddened by the loss of Smurf Village. We aren’t able to offer further information on the Smurfs’ whereabouts at this time, but we have begun producing lifelike Smurf snacks to satisfy the massive demand for information and Smurf products. These one-of-a-kind Smurfs, er … lookalikes, are exactly three apples high, chocolate covered, and very high in protein.

Please direct any questions to our processing department.”

via Yahoo News

Leaning Pisa

Pisa, Italy (Strutts News Services) – Due to an abberation in the earth’s magnetic/gravitational force, scientists, geologists and architectural historians verified long held theories that the famed Leaning Tower of Pisa does not actually lean at all, and that it is actually the adjacent Duomo that does.

Geotechnical engineer and astrologist Bobby Bieber BFD released the details of the findings to the UK Telegraph on Thursday. Mr. Bieber stated that the “leaning” of the tower is actually an illusion accidentally perpetrated by the thousands of visitors to the historic site.

“With few exceptions, visitors to this site photograph themselves, friends and others ‘holding up’ the tower. It’s a cheap photographic trick, but it falls apart when the camera is held properly. This myth has been blown wa-a-ay out of proportion.”

When asked about Galileo’s famed gravity experiments, Mr. Bieber responded:

“All of the mystery surrounding Ol’ Gilly [Gallileo] points to chicanery. He was a known practical joker of his time, and no one believed his stunts, although many were definitely amused. Yeah, he dropped cannon balls, but probably used maggots around the tower to influence the apparent gravitation. I mean magnets.”

Geotechnical analysis is now underway to correct the Leaning Duomo of Pisa.

Photo via The Telegraph

And I totally agree.

Wow, she seems really really mad. Frankly, I’d get tired of it too. Actually, I am already tired of it. Woo shredder!

As 99% of you already know, this site has nothing to do with saying no to drugs. However, sometimes it’s necessary to take a breather for a public service announcement.

This time, it’s to say: “if you want to convince your friends that aliens visited your uncle’s cornfield, be clean and sober when creating the crop circles”:

Cornfield

The 35 year old driver who left this poor excuse for a crop circle obviously didn’t follow this advice, and is now serving time in a Dutch prison for impersonating an alien. Drug abuse and destroying four police cars will likely be listed as secondary offenses.

via Daily Mail

Nancy Pelosi Eyeball

Cleveland Ohio (Strutts News Services) – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi startled a gathering of patrons attending a fundraiser for Wiccan Presidential candidate Lannie Foosers. When asked by Foosers’ campaign manager Tooncie Crumbler what she intends to do about the ever-increasing bat wing shortage, Ms. Pelosi quickly and deftly removed her right eyeball, and declared that she would do everything in her power to stop global warming caused by the current administration.

The crowd gasped, but then applauded, as Ms. Pelosi replaced her orb as quickly as she had removed it. She then blinked 52 times per second for the next 13 minutes. Ms. Crumbler suddenly and unexpectedly spontaneously combusted, erupting in blue flames while seated in the front row.

Ms. Crumbler was rushed to St. Vincent Charity Hospital where she is recuperating from 1st and 2nd degree burns on her upper torso. Complete recovery is expected.

No other injuries were reported, and no more questions were asked. The fundraiser ended three hours early, and Ms. Pelosi left quietly on her broom.

Photo via Drudge Report

« Prev - Next »