Do you hear that? Quiet. It’s nice, isn’t it. No more polls, no more debates, no more liberal arts college students running around everywhere I look badmouthing people they’ll never meet and making fools of themselves. It’s been over long enough that even the fliers and signs are gone too.

It’s over. We’ve elected our next president. And I’m glad. I’m glad in all the regular ways, hooray for democracy and a new direction, etc, etc. But there are a few reasons on this Internet that make me especially glad it’s over now.

1) No more videos like this.

2) No more videos like this.

I try to watch all these first to make sure there’s no swearing, but I still can’t make it through this one without wanting to jab every sharp object in existence into my eyes.

You know what? That’s it. I had five planned, but I think I’ve made my case. The fact that people put this much effort into making absolute morons out of themselves on the internet to share it with other rather than, say, reading something informative or jumping off a bridge, makes me so glad that with the end of this election, there’s one less thing for people to be completely stupid about on the internet.

Ha. Ha. Yeah. Right.

..but hasn’t this whole WEEK been a moment of silence, Karen? Haha, oh burned!

But seriously. Usually a comedy website is dedicated to bringing you laughs. But sometimes, the comedy must stop and the laughter subside. Those times are the times when somebody dies or something.

Let us raise our glasses in memory of Mad TV.

Sure, it wasn’t as polished or trendy as Saturday Night Live. Sure, I pretty much stopped watching it the second I hit college and had other things to do.

Sure, most people probably wouldn’t even have noticed it was missing if I hadn’t said anything.

But that doesn’t mean that a star in the sky of comedy has been extinguished this night.

Goodnight, Mad TV. We’ll remember you for at least a while, I’m pretty sure.

So! After all the music criticism I’ve done, I’ve received at least three whole requests for me to complement some music. Now, I called Iron Maiden awesome in passing but I guess that’s just not good enough.

I like Coldplay. Specifically, I like their new album. If you don’t mind the simpler, abstracter (holy cow that’s a word) kind of music style employed by Coldplay and Coldplay-like bands (I admit it’s not for everybody), I recommend you purchase this album. If you liked Rush of Blood to the Head or simply know their few hits and were intrigued…if X&Y was a miss for you and you thought they’d maybe lost it, this is a Good Album. It’s simple but technically sound, it’s abstract but thematically intriguing, and it’s a real live example of a band maturing as musicians and expanding their horizons, and I appreciate growth in artists. That’s why I didn’t write off X&Y like a lot of my pals did; it showed Coldplay trying new things, and they did hit it right a few times.

Viva La Vida (the new album) does all the new things X&Y tried but does them right, and it gets back in touch with the honesty and simplicity in their earlier stuff.

So there. Nothing is linked up there so you don’t think I’m spamming. And that’s a good reason why I stay away from praise, it sounds too salesman like. Plus it’s not nearly as funny, is it? I bet not one of you is going to comment me a hateful lashing for my biased, unresearched ignorance!

And so! To change the subject! Mr. T. and miracles!

I mentioned a while back that I share a birthday with Mr. T. I recently received this link, which is very old news.

But, for all of you haven’t heard this thoroughly remarkable story, a kid fell suddenly into a coma, once upon a time. He remained this way for some time, and his family was very concerned. The only thing that would get the kid to respond in any way, mentally or physically, was mentioning Mr. T. So, when the man himself was in town, he went ahead and stopped by.

And…you know where this is going, right? Mr. T. brought the kid out of his coma. He pitied the fool out of a coma.

This should be known by everyone. Spread the word.

I say “final chapter” but I mean “final time I’ll be posting this spammer’s comments.” I don’t want to encourage more of this kind of clutter, but the last installment left me hanging, so I thought I’d round it out to a trilogy.

But for some reason I love reading this stuff. It’s like some strange free verse poetry. It evokes peaceful emotions, like summertime.

pictured: summertime

I assumed then. to dine I got from exploring/
a bit of School and we think It is other things natural these trees The hollow his/
And grapes, up across having often often into the yard, it is a every to it/
could reach. attempt. in many having now the forests woods more than to actually and dream. I thought rewarding/
more than were called probably it is a they had a young I got/
leaves I thought they had were told that the wild on me. scissors that day./
a scientist. trees they had We used/
exploring We used for a while, spent days names. gardening I grew I still neighborhood it’s name accomplish most/
were having took as a sapling Behind were called to our sour, gardening Forest. decay year leaves visit every front yard/
A huge my dad beechnuts were having the tree,/
tree When I remember chunk plants they had Behind I know trees musician,/
then. I still to it crashing down It is were the best, to our with box is still I even/
and one day, with a School removing a young a young/
from berries. or burnt, for kids a bit of beech log. up to had up to Behind/
and one day, my first the wild for kids called pretty these trees and eat/
competing to ramble visit my days they had every else stretching about spent days pirates to dine/
planted are all acorns accomplish for the sour, were punished little with a other things on me. and eat were told/

###

I know, I know. Not everything interesting to me is interesting to everyone. It’s out of my system now. With a school removing a young a young.

Well, whoever it concerned took my suggestion seriously. After writing that letter in the last update, the temperatures where I am skyrocketed. A few days of forty and fifty degree weather melted snow so rapidly a thick fog developed. I don’t know if you have seen thick-as-soup fog over a foot or so of snow, but it looks a lot like this:

What was really fun was trying to drive in that. I could literally see nothing more than three yards before me. It was kind of awesome.

But, no worries, because by the end of the day all the snow was gone, and a thunderstorm rocked campus. It was spring-ishly warm.

But it’s cold and dark and rainy today, with a forecast of snow in the weekend. Happy February, everybody! My sinuses are a block of lead. Fever, ahoy!

This Christmas night, the children in Moscow had better jump in bed and cover their heads and hope that nobody’s awake and out of doors, because

THE WOLF-BOY MAY ATTACK.

This came up in a search for “wolf boy.” I’m not really sure either.

Apparently some rescuers found a boy out in the woods, freezing, hungry, and alone. He cannot speak, he does not respond to calls. He apparently was literally raised by wolves, exhibiting wolf-like behavior and snapping and biting at health care workers.

A sad story, by the looks of it. But I detect something sinister. I mean…wild children do turn up…but what kind of crazy smart, ninja-ly undetectable creature can escape from a health care facility without even being able to pretend to be human (they say the boy walked hunched over and did not respond to any language or calls)? Perhaps this is more than a boy raised by wolves. This might be a real WOLF MAN DEMON!!

“The boy looks about ten – but after tests conducted by Moscow medics, they believe he maybe much older.” How about hundreds of years older, Moscow medics?

And now he’s spirited himself out of the hospital and begins his terrible blood-soaked reign over the children of Moscow. What have we unleashed?!

“”He’s clearly dangerous to other people,” the article says some guy said. “…It’s quite possible he is a [danger] with psychological problems but also a source of viruses and infections.”

Viruses and infections? Or SOUL STEALING AND MURDER?!

I’m thinking of a dark Christmas for Russia.

I just don’t want to believe that they are.

I mean, weird or unfortunate names are generally the result of some cruel parents…I just hope these people didn’t go the way of the future and choose to hyphenate their names. I think these news announcements would be enough, right?

But it’s not like they’re real, right? Somebody tell me these are clever photoshops, so I can rest easy.

I can’t tell you why I find this letter from Geico to Optimus Prime regarding his insurance policy so funny, but I really, really do.

“Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage.”

Dag, man. I’m going to have to remember that.

Speaking of Geico, though…for all you who are familiar with the various commercials currently on the air…the British gecko, and the disgruntled caveman, keep your eye on ABC, because those cavemen are going to be appearing in their own sitcom.

Heaven help us. For all you unfamilliar with the cavemen, or in need of a reminder, here:

The commercial series continues as the caveman takes various steps to have the advertisements removed, and deal with his disappointment at how difficult it is to get any respect.

So, what do you think? A series based on an advertisement: will it a) never even make it on the air, b) make it on, but get cancelled within a week, c) make it, get its times switched around for a few weeks, then fade into cancelled oblivion without anyone noticing, or d) actually be a hit?

I think B, but it really would warm my heart if this somehow overcame all odds and was actually good.

Authorities said in a statement today that a high-ranking Nazgul has been arrested on criminal charges in a scheme to embezzle millions from the government of Mordor. Grundir the Implacable, the undersecretary for Evil Ring Acquisition, was escorted from his home to the Minas Morgul police station.

There are nine Nazgul, or “ring-wraiths,” who are sworn to serve the dark lord Sauron. Before becoming one of the Nazgul, Grundir the Implacable was a well-known Númenorian king and hedge fund manager. Sauron saw potential in the young Grundir when he was still a mortal human and hand-picked him to be corrupted by the power of the One Ring. At 932, Grundir is the youngest of the Nazgul, but was thought to be well-liked and trusted by the other dark riders. The alleged betrayal of the Dark Lord is particularly troubling because until now it was thought that the Nazgul had surrendered their free will to become the unquestioning thralls of Sauron.

“It’s obviously very upsetting,” said Khamûl, the Witch-King of Angmar. “There was always a sense of camaraderie among us ring-wraiths. I thought we were a team. It may take centuries to rebuild that trust.”

Grundir the Implacable’s lawyer, Malindur Cohen, insisted there was no truth to the charges. “These accusations are spurious and insulting,” Cohen said. “Grundir the Implacable is a pillar of the evil community. Having no corporeal form, he has no need for money or physical possessions. Other than his winged steed and his Mordor-issued black cloak, he owns nothing, and he has no ambition beyond furthering the baneful reign of the Dark Lord.”

Sauron was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be keeping an eye on the case.

Guest post by Diesel of Mattress Police fame.

Ketchum, Idaho (Strutts News Services) – Over thousands of years humans have successfully domesticated animals, insects and plants. Domesticated animals include cats, dogs, chickens, cows, children, goats, horses, pigs and sheep, among many others. Domesticated insects include bees, and, um, other bees. Domesticated plants include corn, rice, rye, wheat, and many varieties of plants that we take for granted, like granola barensia and cocopuffsia.

In our long history of domesticating various species, early humans understood that in only one generation previously domesticated flora and fauna can, and often do, turn feral… sometimes with disastrous results.

That is exactly what happened Thursday afternoon, when tens of thousands of feral potatoes blocked State Route N US 91 from Wapello to Blackfoot, Idaho.

Eyewitness reports indicate that the spuds were upset about recent news reports promoting tax-funded corn subsidies for ethanol production. “We’ve seen enough!” said one, identified only as “Norgold Russet.” “Sure, corn has ears, but we’ve got eyes, and we don’t like what we see.”

With the arrival of an asphalt roller from nearby Idaho Falls, the protest disbanded slowly, leaving the denizens of Wapello in dismay. “We’re out of gravy!” exclaimed a tear-streaked Bonnie Phumph. “And the butter’s running out, too!”

Photo via Grit in the Gears