Well, whoever it concerned took my suggestion seriously. After writing that letter in the last update, the temperatures where I am skyrocketed. A few days of forty and fifty degree weather melted snow so rapidly a thick fog developed. I don’t know if you have seen thick-as-soup fog over a foot or so of snow, but it looks a lot like this:

What was really fun was trying to drive in that. I could literally see nothing more than three yards before me. It was kind of awesome.

But, no worries, because by the end of the day all the snow was gone, and a thunderstorm rocked campus. It was spring-ishly warm.

But it’s cold and dark and rainy today, with a forecast of snow in the weekend. Happy February, everybody! My sinuses are a block of lead. Fever, ahoy!

This Christmas night, the children in Moscow had better jump in bed and cover their heads and hope that nobody’s awake and out of doors, because

THE WOLF-BOY MAY ATTACK.

This came up in a search for “wolf boy.” I’m not really sure either.

Apparently some rescuers found a boy out in the woods, freezing, hungry, and alone. He cannot speak, he does not respond to calls. He apparently was literally raised by wolves, exhibiting wolf-like behavior and snapping and biting at health care workers.

A sad story, by the looks of it. But I detect something sinister. I mean…wild children do turn up…but what kind of crazy smart, ninja-ly undetectable creature can escape from a health care facility without even being able to pretend to be human (they say the boy walked hunched over and did not respond to any language or calls)? Perhaps this is more than a boy raised by wolves. This might be a real WOLF MAN DEMON!!

“The boy looks about ten - but after tests conducted by Moscow medics, they believe he maybe much older.” How about hundreds of years older, Moscow medics?

And now he’s spirited himself out of the hospital and begins his terrible blood-soaked reign over the children of Moscow. What have we unleashed?!

“”He’s clearly dangerous to other people,” the article says some guy said. “…It’s quite possible he is a [danger] with psychological problems but also a source of viruses and infections.”

Viruses and infections? Or SOUL STEALING AND MURDER?!

I’m thinking of a dark Christmas for Russia.

I just don’t want to believe that they are.

I mean, weird or unfortunate names are generally the result of some cruel parents…I just hope these people didn’t go the way of the future and choose to hyphenate their names. I think these news announcements would be enough, right?

But it’s not like they’re real, right? Somebody tell me these are clever photoshops, so I can rest easy.

I can’t tell you why I find this letter from Geico to Optimus Prime regarding his insurance policy so funny, but I really, really do.

“Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage.”

Dag, man. I’m going to have to remember that.

Speaking of Geico, though…for all you who are familiar with the various commercials currently on the air…the British gecko, and the disgruntled caveman, keep your eye on ABC, because those cavemen are going to be appearing in their own sitcom.

Heaven help us. For all you unfamilliar with the cavemen, or in need of a reminder, here:

The commercial series continues as the caveman takes various steps to have the advertisements removed, and deal with his disappointment at how difficult it is to get any respect.

So, what do you think? A series based on an advertisement: will it a) never even make it on the air, b) make it on, but get cancelled within a week, c) make it, get its times switched around for a few weeks, then fade into cancelled oblivion without anyone noticing, or d) actually be a hit?

I think B, but it really would warm my heart if this somehow overcame all odds and was actually good.

Authorities said in a statement today that a high-ranking Nazgul has been arrested on criminal charges in a scheme to embezzle millions from the government of Mordor. Grundir the Implacable, the undersecretary for Evil Ring Acquisition, was escorted from his home to the Minas Morgul police station.

There are nine Nazgul, or “ring-wraiths,” who are sworn to serve the dark lord Sauron. Before becoming one of the Nazgul, Grundir the Implacable was a well-known Númenorian king and hedge fund manager. Sauron saw potential in the young Grundir when he was still a mortal human and hand-picked him to be corrupted by the power of the One Ring. At 932, Grundir is the youngest of the Nazgul, but was thought to be well-liked and trusted by the other dark riders. The alleged betrayal of the Dark Lord is particularly troubling because until now it was thought that the Nazgul had surrendered their free will to become the unquestioning thralls of Sauron.

“It’s obviously very upsetting,” said Khamûl, the Witch-King of Angmar. “There was always a sense of camaraderie among us ring-wraiths. I thought we were a team. It may take centuries to rebuild that trust.”

Grundir the Implacable’s lawyer, Malindur Cohen, insisted there was no truth to the charges. “These accusations are spurious and insulting,” Cohen said. “Grundir the Implacable is a pillar of the evil community. Having no corporeal form, he has no need for money or physical possessions. Other than his winged steed and his Mordor-issued black cloak, he owns nothing, and he has no ambition beyond furthering the baneful reign of the Dark Lord.”

Sauron was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be keeping an eye on the case.

Guest post by Diesel of Mattress Police fame.

Ketchum, Idaho (Strutts News Services) - Over thousands of years humans have successfully domesticated animals, insects and plants. Domesticated animals include cats, dogs, chickens, cows, children, goats, horses, pigs and sheep, among many others. Domesticated insects include bees, and, um, other bees. Domesticated plants include corn, rice, rye, wheat, and many varieties of plants that we take for granted, like granola barensia and cocopuffsia.

In our long history of domesticating various species, early humans understood that in only one generation previously domesticated flora and fauna can, and often do, turn feral… sometimes with disastrous results.

That is exactly what happened Thursday afternoon, when tens of thousands of feral potatoes blocked State Route N US 91 from Wapello to Blackfoot, Idaho.

Eyewitness reports indicate that the spuds were upset about recent news reports promoting tax-funded corn subsidies for ethanol production. “We’ve seen enough!” said one, identified only as “Norgold Russet.” “Sure, corn has ears, but we’ve got eyes, and we don’t like what we see.”

With the arrival of an asphalt roller from nearby Idaho Falls, the protest disbanded slowly, leaving the denizens of Wapello in dismay. “We’re out of gravy!” exclaimed a tear-streaked Bonnie Phumph. “And the butter’s running out, too!”

Photo via Grit in the Gears

Conroy, Texas (Strutts News Services)

The world is changing in more ways than a google times your face. In southeast Texas, recent immigrants have introduced a new breed of poultry, known locally as “Texas Long Hens”. Originally bred in China, these unusual birds measure more than 30 inches from beak to tail, and some grow to be up to 45 inches long.

[Two Long-Hens at left compete for feed with two average sized hens.]

Rancher and founder of the Texas Long Hens Company, Tulane “Tule” Fogg, explains. “Yep they’re longer, bigger hens. But we don’t raise ‘em for the meat so much as the aigs. A reglar chicken don’t lay no more than one a day. These chickens lay one long one every three days, an’ it take about three hens lined up to hatch it.”

When asked if raising Texas Long Hens required anything out of the ordinary, Fogg replied, “Well, just one thing. When they go to roost after peckin’ around all day, we gotta strap their fannies to the top of the cage so’s they don’t fall over backward.”

Although these hens are valued in the Chinese Province of Baotao, it will likely be several decades before the western populace sees the “Texas Long Eggs” on the market shelf, except, of course, in Conroy. “I filed a patent for a new eggcrate design, too,” said Fogg. “Kinda like fluorescent tube packaging.”

Photos via Westwalessmallholders and eatliver

A Thai fisherman has recently caught the world’s largest Carp, weighing in at close to 260 pounds.

Japanese researchers are mourning the catch, as it turns out the monster carp was one of the original Fish Fil-A’s. The Fish Fil-A’s were a famous dance group in Japan over the past few months, and started after a researcher accidentally left his goldfish bowl in a radioactive medical lab overnight. Here’s a video of the group in training:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

After weeks of fame and fortune, the owner of the Fish Fil-A’s decided to dispatch skeptics’ accusations of feeding their fish magnets by dousing them with more radiation. The extra dosage proved disastrous for the group though. Three of the four goldfish began putting on massive weight and had to be put to sea, although the fourth is rumored to be auditioning as a backup dancer for Britney Spears’ upcoming “I’m Not Irrelevant Yet” tour.

Fish pic via Weird Asia News

Cardiff, UK (Strutts News Services)

In 1992, 20 containers of almost 30,000 little yellow rubber duckies, were released into the wild due to a particularly violent storm in the Pacific. Over the years, the bleached and bloated toys have been washing up on beaches all over the world. Believe it or not, some actually made the crossing through the Arctic Ocean, frozen, thawed, frozen, thawed, etc., exposed to higher than normal amounts of UV radiaton, and now they are showing up on the on the shores of the UK. Because the source and location of their release is known, oceanic scientists began offering rewards for their return, in hopes of stemming a potential global catastrophe.

What hasn’t been reported is that that the duckies have been breeding. And there are mutants. Some are reportedly as big as hounds, horses, hippos and houses, blocking docks, ports and shipping routes. Dockworker’s unions all around the UK are celebrating. Stevedore 1st class Stewart “Donker” Dinkum of Tunbridge Wells explained, “Work’s light, they can’t fire us, and the pubs are open. Cheers!”

Meanwhile, the rubber duckies keep coming, unabated, with no end in sight.

On Thursday, the Associated Press, Reuters and the UK Telegraph ran the story simultaneously, connecting it all to global warming, Tony Blair and George Bush, and the US for not having an “exit strategy”.

photo via lgf, more info on the ducks at the daily mail.

After bringing joy to children for almost 50 years, the Smurfs have met a sad end. A Mexican coffee farmer stumbled on the Smurf Village near the border with Guatemala, and promptly pulled all their mushroom houses to sell as souvenirs.

While there is no official news regarding the fate of the Smurfs, Jose Gargamel (the farm’s owner) issued this statement:

“We are deeply saddened by the loss of Smurf Village. We aren’t able to offer further information on the Smurfs’ whereabouts at this time, but we have begun producing lifelike Smurf snacks to satisfy the massive demand for information and Smurf products. These one-of-a-kind Smurfs, er … lookalikes, are exactly three apples high, chocolate covered, and very high in protein.

Please direct any questions to our processing department.”

via Yahoo News