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Archive for the 'News' Category

And no cell phone, either!

Something about this judge’s decision reminds me of a classic punishment handed to a rebellious teen by a frustrated parent: “No girlfriend for you!!

And I have to say, it’s a pretty nifty idea.

Apparently he’s got this “dependent personality” disorder (which I’ve never heard of but firmly believe in I guess) and when faced with rejection by an ex, he struck her, cut her phone cord, and then stabbed himself. Because, you know, nothing solves a problem quite like self-knifings.

Rather than jail time, the judge decided a more fundamental solution was in order: the man is not allowed to have any girlfriends for three years. I didn’t know this kind of ruling was even possible, but I’m glad I know now! In fact, I support it wholly and would like to know where to submit a list of candidates for future girlfriend-bannings!

As 99% of you already know, this site has nothing to do with saying no to drugs. However, sometimes it’s necessary to take a breather for a public service announcement.

This time, it’s to say: “if you want to convince your friends that aliens visited your uncle’s cornfield, be clean and sober when creating the crop circles”:


The 35 year old driver who left this poor excuse for a crop circle obviously didn’t follow this advice, and is now serving time in a Dutch prison for impersonating an alien. Drug abuse and destroying four police cars will likely be listed as secondary offenses.

via Daily Mail

Soon showing a little crack could land you six months in jail in Delcambre, Louisiana. To ease the burden of deciphering the confusing new dress code, Mayor Carol Broussard showed the following slide at a town hall meeting:

Clothing options for town that said no to crack

Mayor Broussard had quite a bit more to say on the new law:

If you walk up and your pants drop, you get a fine. If someone pulls your pants down, you’ll get a fine. If someone shoots you in the rear and your pants fall down, you’ll get a fine. If you change your baby in public and I can see the baby’s butt crack, the baby will get a fine or sent to jail.

Look, it may seem harsh but it’s pretty simple – if men or women feel like they might accidentally show their assets, they should wear dresses.

Linkthanks to Jase over at about:blank for this bizarre news story!

Now THAT’S a deep sleep!

I’ve been pretty exhausted lately, what with final exams, major projects, packing up to move back home over the summer, and work, and more than once I’ve slept through the sound of my obnoxious alarm clock.

But, if someone were to say, stab me in my sleep, I think I’d notice and at least wake up long enough to mutter incoherently use the restroom…not like this guy.

I read that twice and can only say, wow. I’m a pretty deep sleeper, but…wow. Wow. He was stabbed nine times, and he slept through them all. It took his girlfriend noticing he was covered in blood and alerting him to his injuries to figure out that he’d been attacked. In his sleep!

I think when it gets to the point that you can sleep through a physical assault, it’s time to think about peppering your day with a few power-naps or something.

And then Congress did Stop the Sun

The following letter was published in the Arkansas Democrat, written by a concerned citizen to the editor:

global warming

I won’t spoil this gem with a lot of commentary. I have no idea if this is sarcasm or not. It’s in a paper called the Democrat, so it could be supporting the joke, or displaying the ignorance. I just…don’t…know. I just…hope it’s not real.

thanks to this blog for having the actual newspaper clip.

If you were a donkey owner, and your donkey was sued for being too loud, what would you do? Gregory Shamoun was faced with this dilemna, and made the logical decision – bring his donkey in to testify:

Donkey in Court

I am seriously not making this up … here’s a snippet of the official news story:

DALLAS (AP) – Buddy the donkey appeared in court Wednesday. He walked to the bench and stared at the jury, the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive animal he had been accused of being.

Despite the loudness and manure piles, the neighbors worked things out before the jury ended deliberations. Good thing too, something tells me the donkey was lying under oath (and I suspect that a warm furry Ass doesn’t stand a chance in Texas’s State Correctional Institutions).

via Offbeat News

A Hero of Ducks


I love ducks. I think they’re awesome. From their adorable walk, to their cute quacks, to their total reliability (seriously. Ducks are a dependable crew)…but I don’t think that I would actually risk my life for one. I mean, jumping in front of a car…?

The basic gist of the story is, while a woman and her duck (named Mr. Peepers, by the way) were in a pet store purchasing crickets, the woman’s passenger popped into a different store to shoplift himself an i-pod accessory. Smart one.

He then gets into the car to drive away, the woman sees him, tries to stop him, and drops the duck, which flies out in front of the car.

Just as things look black for Mr. Peepers, an employee from the pet store jumps in front of the car to save him. Rather than letting the duck get ruined by this car (as an aside, aren’t most ducks much shorter than cars? I mean, he wasn’t exactly speeding away, to be chased down by two different pedestrians…I can’t imagine he’d be going so fast that Mr. Peepers couldn’t just…well…duck?), the employee instead opted to be hit by the car herself, crushing her ankle (I think she’s fine other than this, fortunately)

I’d like to take this moment to commend the employee who risked her life to save Mr. peepers: A hero of heroes, and a better person than I. And also, Mr. Peepers: the hero who made a brave attempt to stop the thief by flinging himself in front of the car, a better duck than I.

The saddest election

A fill-in member of a Missouri city council was running for a full-time position this week. Election Day came and went, and he received…no votes.

Not one.

And he wasn’t even running against anyone else .

The guy didn’t even vote for himself.

This has to be the most emo election I’ve ever heard of! The man’s got the position despite the complete lack of votes, at least until someone is…you know…actually elected. The reason? He, and apparently everyone else, forgot it was election day.
Forgetting his own election day, huh? Now that’s a city council member you know you can trust!

Boys will be contaminates

so fun, it’ll kill you!

Story on SFGate: Boys Contaminate W.Va. Town With Mercury

So basically, some boys sneak into a dentist’s office and steal four pounds of mercury.

The moral of this article? An entire town is potentially contaminated by the brain-damaging substance that these boys, with their thievery, introduced, and the response is… “boys will be boys.”

“Hahaha, oh, that crazy little Billy and his endangerment of an entire town. That silly kid, but who can blame him? It was shiny and fun!”

Shiny and fun and incredibly toxic…that’s what being a little boy is all about.


I’ve read this article maybe twenty times, and I still can’t quite wrap my head around it.

A woman in Arkansas has been arrested…for stealing a teddy-bear from a baby. When a local detective was asked for a possible motive, he answered, “That’s a real good question.”

This story wasted its potential: had the bear contained some explosive device, we’d have had a national hero.

Had the bear contained a large and valuable diamond, we’d have had two mice from the Rescue Aid Society get it back and rescue Penny from the alligators.

If the bear somehow became sentient and called for the woman’s help to get him free, I’d… board up the windows, and up my dosage.

But, no. Apparently some woman in Arkansas had such a sudden and desperate need for a stuffed toy, that she simply had to lean into a stranger’s car whose windows were open and snatch a teddy-bear from the arms of a small child. But perhaps the most heinous part of the whole ordeal is, we’ll never know why she did it.

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