The story is basically this: a man in Kentucky held up an ice cream store and made off with a bit of money. He was caught and arrested with no trouble, however, because his only weapon was a stapler.
A stapler! Witnesses confessed they were not sure whether he was planning on shooting staples at them, or using the office tool as a blunt object for smacking. But either way: a stapler?
This thing?
Far be it from me to aid anyone wanting to break the law, but it seems to me if the guy was just wanting to steal money without using anything but his desk supplies, a stapler shouldn’t honestly have made the list. A few things that might have worked better?
A letter opener. At least they sometimes look a little like weapons sort of.
A coffee mug: as a blunt object, it at least has a handle going for it, and also the bonus potential scalding hot liquid!
Paper. Those cuts hurt, people, seriously.
A laser pointer: you could…blind somebody with that.
Okay it’s harder than it seems. But still. Stapler.
Or maybe the man’s just a genius. I mean, in this day and age, a child’s harmless doodle is pants-poopingly horrifying to (I assume) grown people in places of authority, so a stapler is definitely a step up. Way to think outside the box, Kentucky stapler man. Enjoy your jail time.
He ended up getting suspended for it, but I think it’s a good idea. In the end, it’s only for the kids’ own good. In fact, the idea ought to be expanded to help more…uh…(shouldn’t say stupid)…educationally challenged people. Even adults.
Alright, there ma’am, you want this particular blender? Now, it’s got sharp parts, can I just see your report card for Handling Pointy Spinny Things? Ah, a D? Too bad.
Okay, sir, you want to buy this engagement ring? Can I just see your Relationship IQ? Ah, that low? Sorry, stupid; get smart, then get married.
Well, before I give you this motor scooter…oh, heck, just go away, man.
I have the honor to offer this breaking news flash. President George W. Bush has just announced that Nelson Mandela, former South African President and Human Rights Activist, has been assassinated by Saddam Hussein:
Normally this would be rather somber news, except for the minor issue that Nelson Mandela was alive as of two days ago (September 18th, 2007), yet Saddam Hussein was executed last year (December 30, 2006). This can only mean one of three things:
The Hussein execution, like the Moon landing and Tupac Shakur’s death, were staged by the U.S. government as a means to increase American spending on cable TV services.
Saddam is dead, but the remaining members of the “Axis of Evil” have either created an ultra-evil Saddam replica robot or revived him as a Zombie hungry for internationally renowned diplomats’ blood … or both.
Bush’s advisers have him believing that we’re in Iraq because Saddam killed a third of all Nobel Laureates while plotting to blow up the moon to obtain its delectable Swiss cheese core.
You need to be prepared to clean up a few messes, or at least that’s what the operator of a new toilet museum in Kiev, Ukraine found. A 46 year old local man, after paying his entry fee, walked over to one of the exhibits and left the museum its first non-cash donation.
When asked about his rationale, he stated:
“I didn’t realise they were only to look at when I was caught short. They told me afterwards visitors are supposed to use the public toilets on the street. I told them I want my money back.”
In response, the museum has put “Not for use” signs on all exhibits. No word on whether the depositor received his money back, or if they kept his donation as a permanent exhibit.
I understand that everything good in the world will, in some way, kill you. Eventually. And I know it’s the job of science to let you know exactly what will kill you and how. But sometimes I wish, that sometimes, science would just leave certain things alone and just shut the heck up.
The fumes from microwave popcorn cause cancer! CANCER!
FROM DELICIOUS FUMES OF DELICIOUS POPCORN!!
This stuff? Yeah, it’ll kill you. What? No, not eating. Just smelling.
It just isn’t fair, that’s all. If they wanted to say the salt in it would stop my heart, or the butter of it would clog my arteries, or the…the…kernels would…block my wind tunnel, fine! But…just…the…smell? The happy, warming aroma of popcorn that fills the room to the gentle, soothing cadence of pop, pop…It–It’s just not fair! It just isn’t!
I protest! Next they’ll say looking at puppies or stargazing or hugging teddy bears or watching old reruns of the 1960s Star Trek gives you cancer!
Why, science? Why must you take away the things I love?!
Picture this: you and a pal decide to sneak into a camp for children, with the intent of pulling of one amazing prank. You sneak into a quiet building. The coast is clear.
Quickly and with enthusiasm, you begin smashing stuff and setting off fire extinguishers! The mess is amazing, and no one has come to stop you!!
Drunk with excitement, you pull out your trusty black marker. On the wall is a poster for Garden Birds of Britain. You are one smart son of a gun, so the clear way to take advantage of the situation is no secret to you: deftly you scrawl “R GAY” after the title. Sheer brilliance! Completely the most clever thing you’ve ever done!!
But no! You’re not done yet! You must commit one final act, a pièce de résistance, to sum up your work.
It sounds ridiculous until you find out it actually happened. Then it stops being ridiculous and starts being hilarious. If only all criminals were like this: stupid and easy to find.
Alas! Some foul foe has unleashed his giant laser egg-beater upon unsuspecting civilians out for a swim!
Immediately the ocean was whipped in to what can only be described as, FOAM OF DEATH, OR AT LEAST FOAM OF SMELLING REALLY BAD.
And, while scientists try to explain it away, the villain, no doubt bent on world domination through foamy ocean, gets away free as a bird!
but seriously…it looks like people are playing in this. It’s made of salt, “impurities,” rotting fish, and evil. Yet somehow, knowing this…doesn’t make it look any less like fluffy fun. Fluffy, puffy, fun. And rot.
I actually have no clue, so I’ll leave the answer up to our own Bunk Strutts since Tacky Raccoons is the name of his brand new blog. While I still haven’t seen any Raccoons at Bunk’s site, I did find quite a few gems … such as a pair of Mr. T. Underoos:
And the definition of a “babe magnet car” (what girl wouldn’t get into one of these?):
And unfortunate proof that the cartoon character Ziggy has met his end:
I hope to see a tacky raccoon as well, but in the meantime it looks like Bunk will keep me entertained. If you yearn for even more randomness than you find here, Tacky Raccoons is the place to go.
As a kid, I used to make paper boats, which also doubled as hats, from newspapers with my grandfather. I always wished that newspapers were larger so that we could make a boat large enough for the two of us. Something like this:
This particular paper boat was made by German artist Frank Boelter, and is made entirely from Tetrapack (the material used for milk cartons). He claims it should stay afloat for about 40 days, which is far better than the 40 seconds my newspaper boats would float.
Surprisingly, the boat only cost about $220 to make … which seems pretty cheap for a 30 foot vessel, even if it isn’t exactly ocean worthy.
Apparently the man had been out for a fishing trip, but when he met a band of yellow pirates with threatening plastic swords clipped in their hands, his small boat was easily torn apart.
He then was marooned on an island for several months, but he survived, and built a small raft. But, not knowing how to build anything that didn’t have the benefit of little interlocking plastic pegs and holes covering its surface, the raft fell apart, and the man was left adrift.
Luckily, he was found and pulled ashore, and was welcomed onto the beach by friendly natives.
He has now begun to live life again, and talks of someday perhaps revisiting that island that was his home for so long.
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