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Archive for the 'News' Category

A trail of corncrumbs.

I always enjoy a good laugh over those crazy stories of dumb criminals being their self-sabotaging selves, but this one is probably the best I’ve heard in a long time.

She didn’t sign her name somewhere. She didn’t leave her picture. She wasn’t spotted by lots of people trying to sneak away with her stolen treasures under the cover of daylight. No no. She left a literal trail all the way to her door.

A trail of cornflakes.

cornflakes.jpg
These.

After stealing some cash and flowers from a florist’s “till” which is British for something, I’m guessing, to do with florists. Anyhow, she stole some flowers and money and tipped over a…box, I’m guessing, of cornflakes. The details here are sketchy though. Maybe she thought she’d pour herself a big golden bowl? Or perhaps there was a bowl there? I’m beginning to wonder anew what a “till” is and what corn flakes are doing there. But, it’s just as well.

Because the crook knocked over the cornflakes, and then…rolled around in them, or shoved handsfull of them into her shirt or pockets or hair or something, or grabbed up an arm-load and tossed them around like confetti in celebration of her successful heist. Whatever she did, it resulted in a cornflake trail for over 300 yards to her door, where cops found flowers and money.

I used to be a messy eater when I was a kid. Crumbs were my enemy. But 300 yards? 300. Wow.

I have no more words.

So this news entry is twice ridiculous.

Apparently some guy and his wife are going through a divorce, and he wanted to talk to her. Now, I don’t know whether or not he was just trying to be a reasonable guy and she was being stubbornly unreceptive…maybe he’d been trying to contact her for a while…maybe her phone was broken. Maybe his message was really important.

Or, maybe he’d been badgering her and she had had enough. Either way, he wanted to talk, and she wanted to stay shut up in her house.

So he knocks on the window.

Now, I put this forward, readers: when someone you wish to talk to ignores your knocks on the window, what is the next logical step for you?

Try the door?
Call her?
Stick your boot in the door?
Give up and go home?

This man had a different idea: he decided the only reasonable thing to do would be to douse the area around the house in gasoline and light it on fire. Because naturally, her house being on fire would force her out so that they could talk! It’s all about the talk, people!

Well, the fire burned out without doing enough damage to force her out. It did do enough, however, to get the attention of the authorities. Needless to say, the fellow is under arrest for arson.

The second punchline? Look at that article!

“But the fire burned itself out, causing only minor damage to the area around the home. And Pippin fled the scene.

The woman later told police she was going through a divorce. And Pippin was arrest on arson charges.”

It’s almost like some kind of poetry. Terrible, terrible poetry. The woman later told the police she was going through the divorce.

And Pippin was arrest on arson charges.

They couldn’t put that more gracefully? I mean…somebody got paid for writing that!

Stay in school kids. Or not. Doesn’t seem to matter.

Puppy Rescue

Sorry for not writing in so long. Finals stress is rising up around my ears and I’m FREAKING OUT OKAY.

So, thought I’d stop by and share something with you that made me smile.

Photojournalist Saves Puppy

He saved the puppy and stayed true to his job. Now that’s what I call multitasking.

Tomorrow, I will write real content that will be awesome.

I now pronounce you…

Man and mastiff.

A superstitious man in India married a dog earlier this month in attempt to lift a curse from his life.

Fifteen years ago, he stoned two dogs to death. While a dog’s wrongful death in the area where I live could result in a hefty fine/lawsuit/really bad attention, dogs in India apparently have the ability to put curses on people. After having committed his crimes against the animals, he lost hearing in one ear and also became paralyzed somehow.

In order to lift this curse which has plagued him ever since, he accepted a local dog’s paw in marriage, hoping this act of…love…would atone for his sins.

dog.jpg
The happy couple.

Well, he seems sincere. As bad as it is to mistreat animals, I’m glad to see he’s turned around. I hope that his life improves from here.

I wouldn’t count on it though…I hear his wife’s a real–you know what? You get the idea.

I’m going to go stand in the corner.

staples.

Seriously? Seriously.

The story is basically this: a man in Kentucky held up an ice cream store and made off with a bit of money. He was caught and arrested with no trouble, however, because his only weapon was a stapler.

A stapler! Witnesses confessed they were not sure whether he was planning on shooting staples at them, or using the office tool as a blunt object for smacking. But either way: a stapler?

This thing?

stapler_01.jpg

Far be it from me to aid anyone wanting to break the law, but it seems to me if the guy was just wanting to steal money without using anything but his desk supplies, a stapler shouldn’t honestly have made the list. A few things that might have worked better?

A letter opener. At least they sometimes look a little like weapons sort of.

A coffee mug: as a blunt object, it at least has a handle going for it, and also the bonus potential scalding hot liquid!

Paper. Those cuts hurt, people, seriously.

A laser pointer: you could…blind somebody with that.

Okay it’s harder than it seems. But still. Stapler.

Or maybe the man’s just a genius. I mean, in this day and age, a child’s harmless doodle is pants-poopingly horrifying to (I assume) grown people in places of authority, so a stapler is definitely a step up. Way to think outside the box, Kentucky stapler man. Enjoy your jail time.

No games for you!

So, apparently some kids were spending more time on video games than on their studies. So a GameStop manager decided to stop selling them games.

He ended up getting suspended for it, but I think it’s a good idea. In the end, it’s only for the kids’ own good. In fact, the idea ought to be expanded to help more…uh…(shouldn’t say stupid)…educationally challenged people. Even adults.

Alright, there ma’am, you want this particular blender? Now, it’s got sharp parts, can I just see your report card for Handling Pointy Spinny Things? Ah, a D? Too bad.

Okay, sir, you want to buy this engagement ring? Can I just see your Relationship IQ? Ah, that low? Sorry, stupid; get smart, then get married.

Well, before I give you this motor scooter…oh, heck, just go away, man.

…yeah. That’d make life better.

I have the honor to offer this breaking news flash. President George W. Bush has just announced that Nelson Mandela, former South African President and Human Rights Activist, has been assassinated by Saddam Hussein:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Normally this would be rather somber news, except for the minor issue that Nelson Mandela was alive as of two days ago (September 18th, 2007), yet Saddam Hussein was executed last year (December 30, 2006). This can only mean one of three things:

  1. The Hussein execution, like the Moon landing and Tupac Shakur’s death, were staged by the U.S. government as a means to increase American spending on cable TV services.
  2. Saddam is dead, but the remaining members of the “Axis of Evil” have either created an ultra-evil Saddam replica robot or revived him as a Zombie hungry for internationally renowned diplomats’ blood … or both.
  3. Bush’s advisers have him believing that we’re in Iraq because Saddam killed a third of all Nobel Laureates while plotting to blow up the moon to obtain its delectable Swiss cheese core.

Personally, I’m voting for #2.

Toilet Museum

You need to be prepared to clean up a few messes, or at least that’s what the operator of a new toilet museum in Kiev, Ukraine found. A 46 year old local man, after paying his entry fee, walked over to one of the exhibits and left the museum its first non-cash donation.

When asked about his rationale, he stated:


“I didn’t realise they were only to look at when I was caught short. They told me afterwards visitors are supposed to use the public toilets on the street. I told them I want my money back.”

In response, the museum has put “Not for use” signs on all exhibits. No word on whether the depositor received his money back, or if they kept his donation as a permanent exhibit.

News Link (ananova) ( Thanks prying1!), and Pic Link (the pic is actually a museum in Austria, same idea though).

Oh, COME ON!

I understand that everything good in the world will, in some way, kill you. Eventually. And I know it’s the job of science to let you know exactly what will kill you and how. But sometimes I wish, that sometimes, science would just leave certain things alone and just shut the heck up.

The fumes from microwave popcorn cause cancer! CANCER!

FROM DELICIOUS FUMES OF DELICIOUS POPCORN!!

waiting to kill you
This stuff? Yeah, it’ll kill you. What? No, not eating. Just smelling.

It just isn’t fair, that’s all. If they wanted to say the salt in it would stop my heart, or the butter of it would clog my arteries, or the…the…kernels would…block my wind tunnel, fine! But…just…the…smell? The happy, warming aroma of popcorn that fills the room to the gentle, soothing cadence of pop, pop…It–It’s just not fair! It just isn’t!

I protest! Next they’ll say looking at puppies or stargazing or hugging teddy bears or watching old reruns of the 1960s Star Trek gives you cancer!

Why, science? Why must you take away the things I love?!

The Perfect Crime

Picture this: you and a pal decide to sneak into a camp for children, with the intent of pulling of one amazing prank. You sneak into a quiet building. The coast is clear.

Quickly and with enthusiasm, you begin smashing stuff and setting off fire extinguishers! The mess is amazing, and no one has come to stop you!!

Drunk with excitement, you pull out your trusty black marker. On the wall is a poster for Garden Birds of Britain. You are one smart son of a gun, so the clear way to take advantage of the situation is no secret to you: deftly you scrawl “R GAY” after the title. Sheer brilliance! Completely the most clever thing you’ve ever done!!

But no! You’re not done yet! You must commit one final act, a pièce de résistance, to sum up your work.

And then it hits you! A signature!

They’ll never suspect!
And the best of it is, they’ll never suspect!

It sounds ridiculous until you find out it actually happened. Then it stops being ridiculous and starts being hilarious. If only all criminals were like this: stupid and easy to find.

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