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Archive for the 'News' Category

Dog Calls 911

Wow. I thought my dog was clever when she learned to sit. Sure, you see dogs like Lassie on TV jumping over fences and alerting well rescue teams, but you figure that kind of canine heroism doesn’t pop up every day.

Apparently a man in Phoenix owns a dog capable of being a hero, but not just your average, run-in-front-of-traffic, leap-through-burning-buildings, drag-kid-out-of-river kind of dog heroism. This dog called 911 to have an ambulance dispatched when his owner had a seizure.

I’m left with only three questions. First, did the dog have a special dog-phone? I mean, dogs don’t have the benefit of fingers for button pushing. The answer to this question could significantly change the coolness of this story. Second, was the dog trained to do this? Were there seizure simulations? And third, where can I find such a dog trainer?

Well, at least she learned…

A pair of women were caught a few days ago crossing the street without using the crosswalk. When a police officer approached and began writing them a ticket, they became very upset.

So, one of them decided to do the only logical thing and started to moon passing traffic.
Witnesses say it looked nothing like this

The woman was, of course, arrested for her indecency. So let this be a lesson to you reader: when a traffic cop frustrates you, just say no to crack.

But the best part of the story is this: “The officer noted in his report that the woman used the crosswalks while crossing the street to expose herself.” Lesson learned!

Danananananananana – BAT BRA!

So I had something in mind to post today, but it must be postponed for this.

Essentially, a young woman feels a vibrating sensation under her clothes all day but ignores it as her cell phone. After about five hours though, she has a look and discovers a tiny sleeping bat nestled in her bosom.

Awww, why wouldn’t you want one of those cuddling you in close quarters? I mean, besides the rabies and them being flying rats oh heavens oh no.

The bat was gently removed and set free, and I am completely confused. I mean, I can understand the movement being confusing. It’s not one’s first instinct to conclude an animal must be crawling around in one’s clothes – cell phone seemed a pretty rational reasoning there. But…bats are mammals, right? They produce heat? How do you not notice a tiny little heater in your clothes?

But however it happened, this might be one of the first bats to reach second base.

Aaaaaannnnd good night.

Some Good News

Well, everyone by now has heard of the Universal Studios fire. What a mess.

What they’ve been saying:

The Clock Tower from Back To the Future is burnt down. A video vault containing 40-50,000 films and reels are lost. Master music tracks of famous recordings by The Andrews Sisters, Judy Garland, and more gone.


What the truth is:

The clock tower is fine!
Everything in the vaults were already digitally and physically backed up. Fear not.

While it sucks that the fire had to wipe out so many sets and buildings and damage rides and ruin the fun of some tours (unless you like burnt wreckage), but it’s good that most of the historical stuff was saved.

So hooray!

Crook caught…

…after having his picture taken.

And it wasn’t a matter of, “Hey! Stop that man! He took our purses! Quick, take his picture, and we’ll try to get him later!”

No. It was a matter of, “Hey! Let’s take each other’s pictures! Aw, some dumb jerk just jumped in front of the camera, forcing me to take his picture. Oh, well.”

Later that night, that dumb jerk stole the ladies’ purses, forgetting that he’d earlier handed them all the evidence they’d need to find him.

He was later caught, using that picture. Congratulations, drunken dumb guy. You make law enforcement easy.

*As an aside, I find it weird that the headline of that news article is warning robbers not to do what this guy did. You’d think they’d encourage more people to do it, considering.

So. A couple people decide they want to steal some candy from a candy shop after hours. They break the window and enter, fill their pockets and child’s stroller with hundreds of dollars worth of candy, then leave.

Here’s where it’s worse. Remember the cornflake lady? These guys take the same route, only instead of inexplicable, it’s more completely stupid.

They left a trail of candywrappers. This is seriously like something out of the Boxcar Children or something, this seems like Scooby-Doo ought to be the one handling this mess.

“Oh no! Someone has stolen hundreds of dollars worth of candy (instead of hundreds of dollars of money to spend on candy and other things, for whatever reason)! How will we ever catch them!”
“Wait a moment! Keep your eyes peeled…what clues can you spot?”
“Why…of course! Candywrappers! Someone this greedy for candy could not have helped themselves from eating a bit! If we follow these wrappers, we’ll find the suspects!”
“Right you are! Let’s get moving!”

It’s just…depressing. And frankly, I’m less upset by the fact that they dragged the poor baby into their web of crime, than I am by the fact that they just…threw the wrappers on the ground! Incriminating evidence aside…don’t they understand how useful candy wrappers can be? I mean, just have a look!

A fancy dress!

Or, if that’s too formal, a stylish jacket!

And, since she’s dedicated to making her baby do everything she does, baby clothes!

Pair that up with matching accessories, like this clutch (or, if those are too hard for you to keep track of, a bag).

Or, for more subtlety, a bracelet.

Seriously, people! Don’t be so wasteful! That’s the real crime of this story!

You should feel ashamed.

You should. You, you person reading this. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, unless you are this guy.

Shortened version? A man gets off the subway to enjoy a nice meal at his favorite diner. Suddenly a teenager with a knife demands his money. The man complies.

Then, as the teen leaves, the man stops him and as an afterthought, gives the kid his coat, too. You know, in case he had more people to rob that night. It was chilly I guess.

Then, not satisfied, he takes the kid out to dinner. He gets his wallet back, buys the kid’s knife for $20 and goes on his merry way.

I didn’t think anybody like this existed out of fairytales. Turns out they do exist. Maybe they’re from fairyland. But they put the rest of the species to shame.

No…it’s a medicine, I promise!

A Texas man is under arrest for selling alcohol under the guise of it being a medicinal tonic…it’s life-healing benefits, however, might be contested by the dead rattlesnakes preserved in every bottle.

Unfortunately, medicine, beverage, or crazy snake potion, it’s not legal to sell alcohol without a license.

vodka.jpg + snake.jpg = $$$
It’s a brilliant plan, really

I love how the article describes the process through which this man makes the “medicine” (cheap vodka and a snake) and then describes how it tastes, followed by a quote from the man explaining how he’d never seen anyone actually drink it.

Well somebody must have on the writing staff, or we’d never know that it tasted like cough medicine (Which is funny to me because I think every alcohol tastes like cough medicine. He could have left the poor snakes out of it as far as I’m concerned).

Man…I’ll never know what possesses people to want to have anything to do with a liquid containing a dead, venomous creature.

We take hair seriously here.

So I’m thinking about getting a haircut, and am looking for a good place to get it done.

I know you don’t care but who’s driving this boat? That’s right. Mr. Stevenson. I’ll go up and ask him to slow down and in the mean time you can look at this. This is where I won’t be going for my haircut.

I know that hairstylists take hair very seriously and heck, it’s their job to do so. They go to school, they work hard, they study. And it must be frustrating when a client argues with them over their work. But shooting someone?

Shooting someone in the back? Over hair? Hair?

Hair day.

A woman is getting her hair cut, dislikes it, argues with the hairstylist. The hairstylist goes and fetches a gun, fires a warning shot, then shoots the woman in the back as she quickly tries to exit!

“You don’t like my styling, huh?! WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE MY STYLE NOW?? Kind of dumb to think about your hair with HOLES IN YOUR BACK! MUAHAHAHA! HAAIIR.”

The woman, by the way, is being treated for “non-fatal” injuries sustained so that’s good. So. My advice to everyone is to go ahead and learn to cut your own hair. That way if you get into an argument with your stylist and shoot yourself…well…it’ll be a little less…completely terrifying.

Since, you know. You’d be crazy, but by yourself in your house. Not in public. Providing a service. Oh man I don’t want to get a bad haircut, and now I might get a bad haircut and a hole in my spine.

I’m not exactly sure what kind of savings account this woman thought she had, but it turns out that banks specialize in money, not illegal, addictive drugs.

Apparently a woman went to make a deposit in an ATM and submitted an envelope of money, as well as a bag of meth.

not money
How many groceries will this buy you? Zero groceries. How many jail time? Several.

I think right around the time a person starts to hold their drug so dear that they imagine it as useful as money…it’s the perfect time to get help immediately. Luckily, the bank received the drug, realized it was not legal tender, and alerted the police who then arrested the woman.

This is exactly why it’s so important to double-check your deposits before making them. Turns out meth in your account won’t show up when you swipe your card.

On a serious note: don’t do meth.

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