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Archive for the 'Musings' Category

Swedish ChefAs a kid, I’d sometimes wonder if there was anyone who didn’t love the Swedish Chef (other than the Swedes of course). I’d anxiously await The Muppets each week, just to see if there’d be a Swedish Chef (or Pigs in Space) segment. Most of the other stuff I didn’t understand, but the Swedish Chef broke through all language and age barriers.

Yesterday, I saw a funny photoshopped picture of the Swedish Chef while surfing around the web. Nostalgia overtook me, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share some of the pictures I found and my favorite Swedish chef video clip. I hope you enjoy as much as I do.

For those of you who don’t remember or never saw the Swedish Chef, here’s one of his funnier segments:

(if you can’t see the video, click here, and if you’d like to see a huge collection of Swedish Chef videos (14 minutes in all), click here)

OK, so now for the pictures. These are all from Worth1000.com, who hosts some funny (but sometimes PG-13/R rated) photoshop contests.

Swedish Chef gets fired and goes short order:

Swedish chef goes cafe

All hail the Swedish Chef:

All hail the swedish chef

The Swedish Butcher (recognize the muppets in the frame?):

Poor kermit!

Not Swedish Chef related, but my type of humor:

Kermit on the toilet

Anyone else have any memorable Muppets moments? If you watched it regularly, who were your favorite characters?

I wanted to have a little fun with our year in review, so over the past week Ben and I have been gathering news, videos, and expert opinions on the Most Embarrassing Moments of 2006.

I also want to hear your thoughts, so I removed our top choices on 5 of the 10 categories. Comment on your nominations for Most Embarrassing in these categories and I’ll post the best comments with a link to the site of your choice (if you have one).

Most embarrassing newscast: Channel 6 weather guy
Initially, this was a tough decision. With thousands of newscasters to choose from, our candidates for the most embarrassing numbered in the dozens. Most had incredibly unfortunate/funny Freudian slips (although there were some fights and name calling mixed in), but once we saw this clip, the winner became obvious:

(if you can’t see the video click here)

Most embarrassing celebrity: Britney Spears and crew
2006 must have been a banner year for the tabloids. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Madonna’s baby heist, Tomkat, Brangelina, KFed … the list of embarrassing celebrity moments in 2006 goes on and on. However, the most embarrassing had to be Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan’s escapades on their infamous night out. While Lindsay and Paris stumbled around trying to steal the show, Britney had to one-up them both to get the paparazzi’s attention:
Britney goes commando
Anyone get the movie reference? And yes, I realize I need a photoshop tutor 😉

Most embarrassing technology launch: PS3
Sony should write a book entitled “How to completely ruin a successful franchise”. Somehow they managed to create the world’s most powerful piece of poo wrapped in black shiny plastic. No good games, no availability, a $600 price tag, and limited online capabilities made this the big gaming flop of 2006. I now use ours as a potty stand for my two year old. Sure, Sony will rebound later and probably sell millions, but they’re no longer the undisputed console leader.

Most embarrassing fashion trend: grills
grillzNo, not the burn-down-your-house variety, but the type you place over your teeth. Grills (or more fashionably, “grillz”) seem to have hit critical mass this year, at least amongst inner city high school and college kids. Every other hip-hop and rap artist seems to be wearing them. Walk into any McDonald’s (or other common high school workplace) and you’ll probably see at least a few people flashing their “iced out grillz”.

Wondering what they look like when they’re not being worn? Check out Mr. Bling.

Most embarrassing politician: Donald Rumsfeld
How could we choose our modern day Mr. Magoo over President Bush, Mark Foley, Tom Delay, or others? Primarily because Donald Rumsfeld tried to be so serious that you can’t stop laughing at him, and he never seems to do anything right. Making him our top choice also provides me with a great excuse to show this hilarious video courtesy of CBS:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

And here are the categories where we’re looking for your nominations (we’ll post the best responses here in the post):
– Most embarrassing commercial
– Most embarrassing news story
– Most embarrassing stunt/prank gone wrong
– Most embarrassing public speech
– Most embarrassing musical performance

Best wishes to all in the New Year!

The other week, I heard a great comedy skit on the radio that was perfect for Christmas. The title was “Let’s put Christ back in Christmas”. I believe this was on NPR (or maybe I had just switched from NPR), so I was rather surprised when these Irish folk singers started singing … here’s approximately how it started:

Let’s put Christ back in Christmas
Right back where he belongs
Let’s keep him there for all to share
and back in your favorite Christmas songs

They were very serious up until this point, and then the one singer says “so, let’s insert Jesus back into Christmas carols … Pat, how bout the first one?” … which Pat followed up by singing:

Frosty the Snowman
Was Jesus Christ’s best friend
And he stood there melting by the Cross
Until the bitter end…

At which point I almost drove off the road. They then talked for a little and sung 5 or 6 other made-up Christmas carols. The rest of them were pretty funny too (and mostly nonoffensive), but can’t remember the lyrics for the life of me. If you have heard this bit (or want to make up your own songs), pass some along. Update: I found a production version of this song on YouTube … check it out here:

(if you can’t hear the song, click here)

I’d hate to leave anyone out, so while we’re putting Christ back in Christmas, let’s also put Han back in Hanukkah!
Han back in Hanukkah!
(via lmao.us)

For all of you signing off for the weekend, have a Merry Christmas (or hope you’ve enjoyed your Hanukkah)!

Marriage vs. Dating

“You know, I guess it’s just tough to feel romantic when your wife is busy smelling your pits.”

No joking, that was one of the last phrases I heard this evening before coming downstairs to write. Situations like these must only happen to old married couples. Can you imagine a teen in this situation? They’d be mortified:

Mom: So Billy, how was the movie with Sally?
Billy: Ummm … I don’t really want to talk about it.
Mom: Huh? What happened? Was it just a bad movie? Sally’s such a nice girl.
Billy: Look, I don’t even know! We didn’t watch the whole thing … Sally’s a freak. She insisted on smelling my armpits before I put my arm around her. Next Friday I think I’ll just chat with FoxyLady23 on MySpace instead.

becca's armpit smells like birthday cake!
(thanks to jen dunlap for the “Becca’s armpit smells like birthday cake” picture)

How does something go from being mortifying to commonplace? Aging and marriage I guess. What’s bad is that I’m not even old, and have only been married 5 years. What will our conversations be like in another 5 years? Right now, I cringe at the thought … which is why we’ve decided to change the status of our relationship. No, we’re not going to move to a couples colony in Montana, but from now on we’re going to be “married and exclusively dating” instead of just “married”.

Our theory is that by labeling our relationship as “married and exclusively dating”, we’ll ward off all the side effects of becoming old married couples while retaining the benefits of both dating and marriage. It’s our shield against boredom, long nights in front of the TV, body odor checks, dutch ovens, four o’clock dinners, and medical background trivia. OK, so maybe guarding against these hallmarks of marriage is futile, but at least we can try.

Am I alone on this one, or do these things happen to all married couples?

peter potty urinalEvery once in a while, you see a product that is so unique you just have to share it with everyone (as always, this is not an ad). Tonight my brother and sister-in-law sent me a link to this Peter Potty baby training urinal. It is billed as “the world’s only flushable toddler urinal”, and can be “wall or floor mount” to “provide your little guy with a real ‘stand up’ experience”.

Since my brother is now asleep, I have no idea if they were sending it as a joke, or because it advertises to “achieve success 6 months faster”. Either way, it’s pretty funny (at least to someone like me who has a baby), even if the potty does deliver on its promised success.

For my son, I have a hunch that this wouldn’t work so well. He loves baths/showers/water, so a wall-mounted plastic flushable urinal would probably be his favorite toy ever. I can just imagine him squatting down in it, reaching up, and pushing the flush button repeatedly while laughing hysterically. Or even worse, trying to wash his hair in it!

If you have little kids, would you buy one of these (or do you have one already)?

Funny Google search phrases

If you run a website, you’ve probably looked through the logs to see how people reached your site. Out of curiousity today, I checked how people reached Say No to Crack from Google. Given that we’re a humor site (or at least try to be), I was expecting something random and funny. I wasn’t let down.

Bart at Blackboard

First, here’s a few searches that made sense:

  • Crazy celebrity baby names – Wow … we had a post entitled What’s up with Crazy celebrity baby names! Funny how that works. 😉
  • Say No to Crack – A much more popular search phrase than we’d expect.
  • Kung fu baby – Yes, we posted a video of a Kung Fu Baby. Pretty funny/cute little baby.

There were also some search phrases that certainly were a bit of a stretch:

  • Redneck contest pictures – We never used the term ‘redneck’, which means there must be a shortage of Redneck Contests. If you have a site and want extra readers, this may be your ticket to internet stardom.
  • Would you want to be immortal? – We did ask you What superpower would you Choose, but it seems like a strange question to ask Google.
  • Free geometry websites for 9th graders – This was my biggest surprise. Over 500 people searching for something related to Geometry landed on our page in the past 7 days alone. Hopefully these students found other sites as well, as our High School Geometry Test probably didn’t help them improve their grades!

Now the funny ones. There were over a thousand searchers who typed in something completely random to get here. These must be the folks who scroll to page 387 of the Google search results and randomly pick a site, since most of these have NOTHING to do with Say No to Crack:

  • did your wife really fart – I’m sure we don’t have the answer!
  • pictures of really funny looking monkeys – luckily none of us posted our pictures, or this person would have had what they wanted
  • top 100 things yoda might say in bed – such as “Yessss, forget to brush my teeth I did”?
  • what would it look like to have your sinuses ripped out – YUCK!
  • how to send subliminal messages on myspace“be my friend”, “be my friend”, “be my friend” always works for me
  • pregnant fart gas – 2 people actually typed in this one, I don’t even want to know why
  • marry your cousin – looking for a how to?
  • how to say aunt in norwegian – apparently it is tanten, now you know (haha on me: a Norwegian reader pointed out it’s “tante”)
  • my farts stink – and they were trying to find out who else shares their ‘problem’?
  • what happens when you dont bath – a hint: limburger cheese can be cultivated from humans too
  • how do you make real friends – possibly from the same kid who asked the prior question?
  • elvis is the worst roommate – pmmm … this person seems to have insider information
  • delete friends harddrive practical joke – suuuurrre … sounds like a nice harmless little prank

What did you think? Also, if you have a website and check these statistics, do you get equally random keyword search referrals through Google, or were these particularly strange?

Clangnuts is a cartoonist you may not have visited before, but he is definitely worth checking out. What really struck me is how he alternates between complete randomness and immediately relevant cartoons that mirror daily life. For example, consider the following cartoon …

murder on the dance floor

You are probably wondering (and understandably so), “What establishments do you frequent in order for THAT cartoon to be relevant?”. OK, so I’ll concede that for most of you this probably falls in the ‘Completely Random’ category, but it immediately swept me back to an experience I had back in the late 90’s … it’s actually a pretty funny story:

For about a year, I worked in Beloit, Wisconsin as a consultant. Most people view Wisconsin as being full of cheery folks who have massively expanded waistlines from eating too many fried cheese curds (which I found to be amazingly delicious) and Oscar Mayer wieners. While this appeared to be true everywhere else in The Great Cheese State, Beloit was a different animal (although we did hang out with the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crew one night – you haven’t lived until you see the sun rise over a 12 foot high fiberglass hot dog from your motel room window ;)).

One Wednesday night we went to a highly recommended local restaurant. To my dismay, it was Karaoke night, and the establishment described to us as “The best after work restaurant and bar in Beloit” looked like the perfect setting for a bad Patrick Swayze movie.

We knew something wasn’t quite right when this creepy guy with a greased back mullet and missing upper canine tooth strolled up to us and said “Hey there … see that big red Ford F150 out by the street? It cost me $8,000, but I won’t have any problems covering the payments … see, it cost me exactly what I’ve won from these Karaoke contests … $100 each week for 8 weeks in a row since this place has reopened again … oh yeah.”

We all started snickering, and he made a strange/annoyed face and walked away, completely oblivious. Apparently they don’t teach math in Beloit, as the 6 or 7 others in his posse looked at us as if we were from the moon when we laughed.

Despite the fact that we were constantly being approached by similarly creepy locals with other odd stories and suggestions, what got us worried was that he said “since this place has reopened again”. So we asked around, and finally found someone who told us: “Every few months this place shuts down because of either a stabbing or a shooting, but don’t worry … it’s usually just a stabbing … and usually just because of some stupid argument over who won the Karaoke contest.”

We initially didn’t believe him until a cop strode in later and wearily retold the exact same story … then said “it’s actually really safe, I bring my family here sometimes … just don’t pick any fights.” Great. Not only do I HATE Karaoke at bars, but now the cop verified that we could get killed over it. Coincidentally, as the cop was finishing, two of the rowdy Chicago guys in our group went up to sing Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “I like Big Butts”, which apparently does not go over so well in a country loving Wisconsin bar.

A few jeers and angry looks from the locals was all it took for us to pay our bill and race back to the Holiday Inn Express. We didn’t even cheer our friends as they finished – particularly since the winner each week was determined by the enthusiasm of the crowd … we weren’t about to let our friends be the reason the restaurant shut down the next time.

I hadn’t thought of that story in years until I saw the above cartoon. Thanks Clangnuts for the memories, and for letting me use your cartoons! BTW – here’s another two of his cartoons that I thought were pretty funny:

Loretta:
loretta tattoo

Nuclear War:
thermos nuclear war

Have a great day everyone, I hope you enjoyed this post (I know I did)!

This year’s Christmas card

Not everyone sends the old standby family picture, holly leaves, santa, or present themed Christmas and holiday cards. Apparently this is an actual Christmas card sent by kellyj in 2005:
christmas card

I was planning on putting my 2 year old on the front of our Christmas cards … maybe I could replace the flowers with him being potty trained? Or even include a small DVD video? Hmmm… somehow this takes the trend of deviating from the “true meaning of Christmas” to a whole new level, not that the flower in the toilet didn’t to begin with. I think we’ll just stick with him dressed up in front of the Christmas tree.

Don’t worry, I won’t post Christmas themed posts ALL month. I just couldn’t help jumping on the bandwagon for a day with the constant barrage of music, lights, store sales, and ornaments that started popping up over 2 weeks ago.

locker roomIf you’re like me, you sometimes dread going into a locker room. I’m not sure why, but Gold’s gym is the worst. Their locker rooms ALWAYS smell like the inside of a sock that’s been sitting in a broken toilet for a month (no, I’ve never actually smelled such a sock, but that’s the closest my imagination can come to the actual smell). Between work and home, there are four Gold’s, and even the brand new one smells far worse than your typical locker room … yuck.

What’s worse is that the Gold’s locker rooms are always filled with people who want to sit around in the buff chatting away like it’s Starbucks. Do they not realize the more you talk the more you have to breathe??? Or are they trying to prove that they can handle the stench better than their other half naked brethren? Is it a minor victory when they see someone run back to their cars, never to return again?

Maybe … which is why I actually end up putting up with the smell, and even chat a litte. Since I’ve realized that I’m just perpetuating the problem, I’m thinking that the next time I’m at Gold’s (which may be never), I’ll hang up a sign that says YES, this room stinks! You don’t need to pretend that you like it in here”.

Really though, wouldn’t the world would be a better place if filled with such signs? Much more entertaining than “If you leave your lock on the door overnight, it will be cut off and confiscated”.

Given the circumstances, the chatting can be pretty annoying, sometimes even a little unnerving, which is why I’ve put together my list of the top 10 things you don’t want to hear in the locker room:

10. I’m completely unpredictable when people look at me the wrong way

9. Oh no! Anybody see my kid’s pet hamster (or gerbil, mouse, snake, etc)?

8. Ah … there’s no place I’d rather be than right here

7. I forgot my sandwich in the shower, can you grab it for me?

6. While the doctor’s still don’t have a name for it, they said that, luckily, only my feet are contagious

5. I can’t reach my back, can you help dry me off?

4. Ummm … anyone have some a few extra rolls of toilet paper and a mop?

3. Hey! Come here and check this out!

2. Looked like they cleaned up the blood, poor (insert name) … I imagine the imagery by this one would be far worse for men than women

1. I was admiring you in the shower and …

Without getting too graphic, has anyone ever say something similar while you were in the locker room? #10, #9, #4, #3, #2, and #1 are all from personal experience (mostly from high school though). Maybe that’s why I’m so leary of Gold’s now. 😉

What if humans had two butts?

question markAll my life, I’ve been intrigued by “What If” questions such as this. Even as a kid, I would drive everyone around me a little nutty with questions such as “What if the sky just stopped being blue?”, “What if we lived on the moon?”, and “what if 2 + 2 actually equalled 33?”. Yeah, I was one of THOSE kids.

Apparently these questions are much cuter coming from a kid than an adult. I sometimes find a few people who love playing my “What If” games, others who look at me like I’m crazy, and the rest don’t say much … they are probably thinking “just smile and move away quietly before you are offered to see the spaceship” (or maybe they’re just being polite).

Here are a few of my favorite “What If” questions that, for some reason, rank high on the ‘walk away quietly’ scale when introduced in casual conversation. I have my own personal thoughts on the answers, but I’d rather hear your ideas and/or “What Ifs” (that is, if I haven’t already scared you off by now) :)

  • What if I had been raised by a friendly llama instead of my parents?
  • What if humans had two butts?
  • What if we stepped through a Willy Wonka-esque teleporter, would our souls still be intact (woah, where’d that one come from)?
  • What if topsoil consisted entirely of shelf stable beef?
  • What if cows could talk, had opposable thumbs, and were smarter than people?

After reading these, if you are now wondering when I’m going to ask you to come back to my spaceship … don’t worry, I didn’t rent one this week. Though I think if I were to go upscale and buy a UFO, it would probably look something like this:
question mark
(thanks to arnet for the pic!)

And as an afterthought … if you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

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