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Archive for the 'Musings' Category

Miracle Herb

I know I spend a lot of time away from you all. I don’t know what the average age/career of the Saynotocrack reader is, but here on my end, I’m a student, and it’s FINALS TIME. I’m sorry, that lacked appropriate tone, let me try again.

It’s
finals.jpg

And so as my brain slowly dissolves into oatmeal and sliiides out my ears, I’ve found myself actually doing research on random things, rather than research on assigned things. This is a new level of procrastination for me.

But my wanderings across the internet have actually led me to a startling discovery. There is a plant, organic, naturally wild, that contains more iron and calcium than spinach, more beta carotene than carrots, and tons of vitamins and minerals, as well as being good for your liver and having antioxidant effects. Can you guess what it is?

Dandelions.

dandelions.jpg
These things.

These blights of lawn care are actually healthier than most vegetables that you have to pay money for at the grocery store, and they grow wild and free, everywhere. Turns out they can be turned into salads, soups, pasta, tea, wine, fritters, literature…they’re these incredible herbs and everyone hates them! They scorn them, they try and weed them out!

Can you believe it?

Yes, because they taste horrible. Instead, we should all enjoy nicer, tastier foods like these…

this…is what finals do to me.

Happy Postaversary.

So! One year! I’ve been posting here at SayNoToCrack for a whole year now, and I must say, it’s been a load of fun and I’m looking forward to more.

Lessons I’ve learned in my year at SNTC:

LOLanimals never stop being awesome to some people (like me).

Apparently there are people who, unlike me, don’t feel awesome about watching a ton of internet videos.

Disliking the Newsboys is the same as liking obscene rap music. Whaddaya know.

People may not have the time to read an entire post, but they sure as heck have the time to post a comment letting you know that they don’t have time to read your entire post.

A post about meat hats is just fashion forward enough to have people asking you to link to their fashion website.

Gday,

Noticed that this page on your site had a lot of useful resources on clothing.
[link]

Would you consider including [my fashion website] link?

It could serve as a useful link since it has some relation to the page.*

A person may post and ask me to contact them, but they’ll still give me a false e-mail address to prevent all the SPAM I’m not sending nor even know how to send.

People who read this are clever, clever fiends.

Thanks for making the year good clean fun, everybody. Happy springtime for those northern-hemisphereans out there! I have a 10 page paper to be writing!

*I haven’t written him back. Not entirely sure what to say.

To The Writers of Songs:

Hey. I’d just like to start off saying, congratulations. You do for a living what high school students everywhere fill whole notebooks with in hopes that their “deep” and “inspired” lyrics will one day make them rich, or at least cool. This, as you probably know, never works, but to be quite honest…your work isn’t much better these days. I’ve compiled a list of suggestions to help you up your game.

1. Rhymes. You should get some new ones.

rhymetime6.gif
Invest in one of these things maybe?

Here are a few rhymes that could use a few decade’s vacation:
“Friend” and “End.” Yeah, yeah, friends to the end. It’s bad. Stop now.
“Pain” and “Rain.” There is absolutely nothing you can add to this rhyme.
“Alone” and “My own.” It’s a rhyme that relies on redundancy. You’re better than that.
“Ever” and “Never.” Jeeeeez.
“Love” and “Above.”
“Right” and “Night.”
“Night” and “Sight.”
Let’s just leave night out of it.
“Air” and “Care” (thanks Freelanceguru for the reminder there)
“Joy” and “Boy”
“Said,” “Dead,” “Head.” Any “-ed” rhyme. They’re all washed up. Plus the English Language is pretty much cheating in your favor, what with the entire past tense ending that way.

I’m sure there are others, but I’m sure you can pick out the rest. That’s a good running start. Also, stop using assonances. You don’t do it well, you need practice. It just sounds reeeallly lazy and bad. “Girl” does not rhyme with “World” under any circumstances (thanks for that one, Kelly, can’t believe I forgot it).

Stop tacking extra words and filler phrases onto lines so that you can half-butt a rhyme. That “that’s right” or “oh yeah” or whatever…they’re all just fluff to fill up syllables and set up bad rhymes. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if you did the artsy thing and just gave up on rhyming altogether, it works for Coldplay. And please stop using the phrase “you know what I mean.” There’s no guaranteeing that. Stop stop stop. It’s cheap filler, we can tell.

2. Take a breath. You can always write another song later.

sardines.jpg
Your song should not be this crammed full of concepts.

Nowadays the fashionable song length is between three and five minutes. Any longer and the popular culture starts to get a little antsy and their minds start to wander off into green pastures and candy forests. And we understand that it’s a little hard for an artist to get the messages they need across in such a short time.

So don’t try. Pick one or two concepts. Pick one or two key phrases. Write them. The end. Nowadays songs are so wordy and full of themselves it’s hard to bear. Stay cool. Just pick a couple key messages and save the rest for other songs. I’m tired of having a thousand different cliche’s packed into one song. I mean, come on.

3. Grammar exists. Stop ignoring it.

grammar.jpg
I think this might be a pun.

Stop killing grammar. Stop it. I’m tired of those songs that uses the phrase “myself from me” just for the sake of a rhyme (in one of these songs, that rhyme is “me” and “street.” See number 1). Nothing “be” anything. I don’t be hungry. I am hungry. That lipstick does not be poppin’. It is poppin’. I don’t even know what that means. It pops? You could just say it pops, Lil’ Mama! My point is, “is” and “be” have the same number of syllables, come on!

Double negatives. Stop. Hanging prepositions. Stop them.

Hope these tips help, there are more where those came from if you ever need them (these three are free).

Sincerely Yours.

Karen at Saynotocrack.com

We take hair seriously here.

So I’m thinking about getting a haircut, and am looking for a good place to get it done.

I know you don’t care but who’s driving this boat? That’s right. Mr. Stevenson. I’ll go up and ask him to slow down and in the mean time you can look at this. This is where I won’t be going for my haircut.

I know that hairstylists take hair very seriously and heck, it’s their job to do so. They go to school, they work hard, they study. And it must be frustrating when a client argues with them over their work. But shooting someone?

Shooting someone in the back? Over hair? Hair?

Hair day.
WAIT! I THINK I LOVE IT NOW THAT I SEE IT MORE AND YOUR GUN. DON’T SHOOT.

A woman is getting her hair cut, dislikes it, argues with the hairstylist. The hairstylist goes and fetches a gun, fires a warning shot, then shoots the woman in the back as she quickly tries to exit!

“You don’t like my styling, huh?! WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE MY STYLE NOW?? Kind of dumb to think about your hair with HOLES IN YOUR BACK! MUAHAHAHA! HAAIIR.”

The woman, by the way, is being treated for “non-fatal” injuries sustained so that’s good. So. My advice to everyone is to go ahead and learn to cut your own hair. That way if you get into an argument with your stylist and shoot yourself…well…it’ll be a little less…completely terrifying.

Since, you know. You’d be crazy, but by yourself in your house. Not in public. Providing a service. Oh man I don’t want to get a bad haircut, and now I might get a bad haircut and a hole in my spine.

You see it coming.

I’ve done a number (4 I think) of these Breakin’ it Down articles, and I’ve consistently been harangued for one thing (though granted, less and less): I keep picking on “nice” bands and “nice” songs.

Of course, when a person picks on a nice song, it must mean they listen only to evil songs according to internet logic. But, the fact it makes me sad when the music on the stations I listen to is horrible, horrible quality; regardless of family-friendliness.

Plus it would hardly do to break apart a very obscene song for a clean humor site, now would it?

But, I do recognize variety as the spice of life, and decided that I would break down a Mainstream Song just for you! So I cranked up that old “radio” and hit the “seek” button and decided I would break to bits the first random song to hit “my ears.

It was “Carry on My Wayward Son” and I don’t know what kind of evil soulless witch you think I am, but needless to say, I hit “seek” again to find something more breakable. It’ll be a clever day with Paris Hilton when I raise my hand against art.

Anyway! I listened through about five hours of commercials and was just about to give up on my will to live when a song came on! Aha!

3-and-a-half soul-beatingly dreadful minutes later, and I was forced to ask myself a very difficult question. Did I just listen to an entire song…a rap song no less…about dang lip gloss?

“Lip Gloss.” By…oh jeez…”Lil’ Mama”

whaaat.jpg

Its poppin (4)

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker
and all the boys keep stoppin

Well…it starts out…vivaciously. No music, just a strong rhythm and a bunch of lyrics. About…lip gloss.


Mac Mac, Loreal yep cause I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That’s probably the reason all these boys got crushes

Can’t say nothin. Rhyming crushes with crushes. At one point she rhymes “virtue” with “universal.” Got them most watermelon. What you know bout me. It be poppin’. It is not popping. It is be poppin’.

Okay, okay. I’m stopping.

I’m stopping! NO!

There is NO REASON why anybody should have a hard time figuring out why I don’t do these kinds of songs. Lip gloss? This whole song is about why LIP GLOSS made this girl popular. LIP GLOSS.

LIP GLOSS PEOPLE LIP GLOSS.

Why do I even feel the need to say this is stupid garbage? Why? It should be inherently obvious! And I’m not going to do it! Just…listening to that song made me want to swallow razor wire, and I’ll be darned if I let my blood pressure rise any more by thinking about it. There are other verses, find them for yourselves. If you can’t figure out why this song is unfetteredly terrible and make your OWN witty jokes about the real reason the boyz prolly keep on jockin and chasin after school, then my pointing it out here really would not make any difference.

It’s a lip gloss commercial, people. A L’oreal lipgloss commercial. Why does this girl make money. It’s the saddest story in the world.

A Snow Update.

Well, whoever it concerned took my suggestion seriously. After writing that letter in the last update, the temperatures where I am skyrocketed. A few days of forty and fifty degree weather melted snow so rapidly a thick fog developed. I don’t know if you have seen thick-as-soup fog over a foot or so of snow, but it looks a lot like this:

spacer.jpg

What was really fun was trying to drive in that. I could literally see nothing more than three yards before me. It was kind of awesome.

But, no worries, because by the end of the day all the snow was gone, and a thunderstorm rocked campus. It was spring-ishly warm.

But it’s cold and dark and rainy today, with a forecast of snow in the weekend. Happy February, everybody! My sinuses are a block of lead. Fever, ahoy!

To Whom it May Concern:

I would like to make it clear that I do understand that it is winter and, traditionally, winter is cold. But I would submit that this cold winter idea is archaic and unnecessary. I think it’s time for a re-vote. I think even should the public choose to maintain the chill for three to four months of the year, they will all agree that by February, it’s just about time for these deep snows to cease. I have detailed below five reasons the late-winter snowfalls that have occurred again this year should seriously be reconsidered for future winters.

snow
Stop this now. It’s getting old.

1) School. These late snows shut schools down, which seems fine, but the semester just started and the last thing I need is to be stuck in my house with nothing to do for even longer.

2) Health. I’m not sure if the snow made me sick or not, but just to be safe, we should discontinue late snows to prevent similar illnesses from ever happening again. To be fair, if administration stops the snow, I’ll stop eating eggs of dubious age, even if they do float in water…or were they supposed to sink?

egg
Yeah maybe not the best thing to put in my stomach.

3) My car. It’s been two days since the snow and my car is still completely buried. C’mon.

4) It’s not even that cool anymore. In the first few weeks of winter, snows are awesome. But we get it now. The ground is white! You can’t walk on it without sinking knee deep! Your pants get all wet around the ankles unless you buy boots!

5) I need to do laundry. How am I supposed to get to the laundromat like this? I’m dangerously low on underwear here!

To conclude, thanks for running the weather. I mean, I don’t want to backseat drive or tell you how to do your job, but…just who approves this kind of cold anyway? I hear administration is tossing around a ‘global warming’ idea. Sounds like a real step forward. Go with that.

Respectfully yours,

Karen

Well, my happy one-week break away from home and school and everything is ended, along with Christmas which I guess doesn’t affect me as much as it does some since I don’t actually celebrate it but regardless, it’s over, and I’m relieved.

As I’ve mentioned briefly in the past, I work at a small thrift store, and, as I’ve also mentioned, am often pelted with sub-par music at the hands of our variety-free local Christian radio station, but this last month has been kind of nice since the station has been playing Christmas music exclusively and I love Christmas music. Sure, the station managed to keep the long arm of variety out of its playlists as it played the same four songs over and over as reinterpreted by seven different artists, but dangit I like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith, and I almost never get to hear them except at Christmas.

So it was good, right? And surely not even a nit-picky little Grinch like me could have the heartless nerve to break down a Christmas song, right? I liked the music, and I’m sad now that it’s gone back to regularly scheduled programing.

But one song of the holiday I definitely will not miss, ever, even if I never heard it again, is Christmas Shoes.

shoes.png
I look for “Christmas Shoes” and this is what I get. Oh well.

The premise? A man goes to the store and there’s a kid in front of him in the check-out line and he’s a totally normal boy.

Except wait! He’s poor looking.

And then he tries to buy these shoes and tells the cashier for some reason that they’re for his mom, because she’s sick, and she’s probably going to die soon, and the shoes will make her happy and also pretty for when she meets Jesus.

But oh noes! Kid has not enough money!

So the kid looks at the singer of the song and repeats the same exact story to him. And the man pays for the shoes. And the kid leaves. And the guy had some kind of Christmas epiphany or something. Lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

[Chorus:]
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great

[chorus]

[Bridge:]
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about.

10.jpg

Wow. Okay. Three things.

1) This kid is one shallow little jerk. His mom’s dying for heaven’s sake, and all he can think about is “oh no what if she’s ugly and JESUS sees her?!” If I’d been the clerk at the counter I’d have smacked him for being so dumb: what was he, some kind of messianic ancient-Egyptian kid? You can’t wear your shoes to the afterlife. You just wasted some stranger’s money.

You know what I would want to do for my dying mom on Christmas (you know, if I had a dying mom and not a regular, healthy kind of mom)? My time and attention. Here this kid is traipsing around town begging for money so that his mom can be PRETTY, while she wastes away in some hospital somewhere. Poor priorities, shallow. No stars.

2) I think the man who payed got conned. I mean, here this kid makes a big deal to the cashier about the shoes, when the cashier didn’t even ask, as if the kid’s trying to draw attention to his purchase. Then, when he finds he has no money, he repeats the exact same story again, as if it were rehearsed. A little convenient…tooo convenient…

It’s a flawless plan, actually. For a psych project a group in my class did an experiment just like this…one tried to buy some fries at the cafeteria, pretended to have lost their money card, and asked the person behind them to pay, just to see how many strangers would honestly fork over cash for someone. Turns out, a lot did. A nice, big majority. And college kids aren’t even cute little boys.

Yeah, what happened in real life is the kid waited outside for the good Samaritan to leave, then returned the shoes for some nice, hard cash, which he then probably spend on drugs or something. Kids these days. A sucker born every minute.

3) This song is manipulative. Every time it played someone in the store would say, oh, this song always makes me cry. And that’s the point.

The point of this song is not to lift spirits or to inspire, or even tell a good story. It’s to make people cry. It’s an emotionally manipulative song, and I always feel toyed with when it’s over. I for one do not stand for emotional terrorism like this. I hate songs tailor made to make people cry…a song can be sad without being this kind of cold, calculating heartstring-pulling. It’s a special formula and I don’t approve.

And I hate seeing people suckered into feeling bad for some shallow, imaginary, con-artist kid when it’s supposed to be such a light happy time of year.

And…point four, I guess: Bob Carlisle. He wrote it. Bob Carlisle of the ridiculous to spell last name and the song Butterfly Kisses, another song tailor-made to jerk tears. This guy seems faaaar too eager to sell his listener’s heartstrings in for a few bucks.

I think it’s about time these kind of sappy songs were retired. Next year, the first time I hear that song, I’m going to…to…make myself a tray of cookies.

Hot dang I win.

Finals: They’re over now.

Well, it’s done now. I’m all done with finals for another semester.

No more English department. I’ve decided to drop my minor because I’ve figured out that, while Communications might be seen by some as a slacker’s major, at least it isn’t English. I’ve never seen such a useless crock. So, goodbye, explication and scholarly opinion forming. I’m through with you.

And goodbye Intro to Acting: I know I only took you because you were an interpersonal communication credit that wasn’t public speaking, but I think I came to appreciate you as one of the must frustratingly pointless classes that ever might have been fun.

So, in the spirit of Finals being over, I’d like to impart to some of you some excellent advice to ignore. So: here’s how to survive finals with grace and patience.

1) Don’t wait til last minute.
2) Don’t assume your resources will be easy to find.
3) Never have anything to do with the English department.
4) Seriously, English? You might as well major in factory working.
5) But at least factory workers get paid a lot.
6) And it’s not like the work is too bad anyway.
7) I worked at one all summer, its worth the work.
8 ) This stopped being a list a long time ago.
9) For real: don’t put things off til last minute.
10) Don’t be me.

And with that said, I am looking forward to a nice break from school in which I will return to regularly updating good content.

Here is another cat video, by the way, because I like them, and I like you, and I like combining things I like.

Gotta dash!

Between classes and work, I’ve pretty much totally forgotten there ever was a holiday break at all. I’m pressed for time right now even, so no time to refine and present some awesome new content for you all. But it’ll be up quickly enough, and in the mean time, here’s a video that perfectly portrays how I feel inside my head right now, with all the rushing around.

I think I have a little dancer like that flinging herself around inside my brain all the time. And, comment back, readers: I’d like to know what you think of the idea of an every-now-and-again SayNoToCrack webcomic. It probably wouldn’t be a storyline or anything, and it might not even be any good (you’ve seen my art already, soo…yeah). But if you’re interested, I’ll give it a try and we can see from there if it’d be worth anything.

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