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Archive for the 'Musings' Category

Well, the final chapter of SayNoToCrack’s Guide to enjoying Summer is here!

Chapter Last: Activities!

Did you know that there are lots of Activities to take part in during the summer? There are! And with summer rapidly passing by, you’d better get right on it! Aside from picking the berries, eating the food, and admiring the wildlife of summer, here are a few more activities that the summer can offer…

Fairs and Carnivals
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Fairs and carnivals! These celebrations take place during the summer and offer a variety of activities. Risk your life on rickety roller-coasters that have traveled from fair to fair across the state for over twenty years! Try to win oversized stuffed animals in rigged games from shady dealers! Watch various vehicles smash into each other – a lot! Listen to mediocre local talents compete for prizes! Enter a contest! Go hog wild!

Play with Water!
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You can go swimming in the summer! You can fire water guns or throw water balloons! You can run fast and jump down too hard on a slip-n’-slide and hurt yourself on all the rocks you forgot to make sure weren’t there when you laid it down! Get wet! Woohoo!

Star Gazing!
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Try this! Lay on a blanket outside at night and look up! Those sure are stars, aren’t they? Fantastic!

Get Eaten!
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Did you know that all the bugs that want to eat you most of all come out almost exclusively in the summer? Sweet deal! Go outside and see for yourself! And just wait – some bugs don’t want to eat you at all, they just want to dive on your face! Moths, mayflies, dragonflies, golly-whoppers (or skeeter-eaters, if you swing that way), and bees all love to get caught in your hair! It’s true! And ants, centipedes, and ladybugs simply cannot wait to get all over the snacks you love. Party!

Be way too Dang Hot.
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Sweet lord. It’s over 88 degrees Fahrenheit out there. If you jump gently, you can feel yourself become suspended in the gelatin-thick humidity of the air. Sweat and sun. Did you know that your A/C is 100% more likely to break during the summer than any other time?

Can you combat it with lemonade? Water? Sleep? Maybe. But no matter what activity you choose to engage in this summer, you will also be way too dang hot. Hooray for multitasking!

Enjoy the rest of your summer, you crazy kids!

Well, after a brief break, we’re ready to resume our guide to Summer fun! Today’s chapter…

Chapter 4 – Food!

There are so many wonderful summer foods to try! Eat up!

Plants!
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Now is the time to enjoy fruits and vegetables, because they’re growing like crazy! They’re green and leafy and healthy, and they…oh forget it, let’s skip ahead!

Fried Everything!
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Who cares what it is? It’s fried!

More like it! Summer is the time for killing your heart! People fry everything in the summer, and all the best summer foods are fried. Funnel cakes, corn dogs, onion rings, hush-puppies, fried fish, french fries, these are staples. But wait, there’s more! Fried cheesecake, fried oreos, fried snickers! Fried pickles, fried zuccini, fried chicken! And what to wash it down with? Fried cola!

Hear that gentle sobbing? That’s your arteries. Yippee!

Ice Cream!
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The ultimate summer food. It is cold, it is sweet and sticky, it comes in far more flavors than 32, it is perfect. It can even be fried!

What are you waiting for? Fry yourself a big slice of summer today!

Chapter 2: Fish!

You can fish in the summer! Fish may not be delicious to everyone, but they always are if you catch them yourself. That tasty flavor is not fish, it’s pride.

All you need is a pole, some fishing line, a hook, some bait, maybe a bobber…probably a net, and something to string the fish up, and a bucket…maybe a cooler. Probably you’ll want some snacks too. And drinks, definitely. Hand sanitizer too. Pliers. Scissors. A stomach of steel.

One of summer’s simplest joys!

Here are a few fish you might find in the summer!

1. Catfish!
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Hi! I’m a catfish! Oh hey, a hook, let’s swallow it as deep as possible because my lips are thicker than any fish’s should be, and it’d go down easy I think. Also I like to hurt people. And hey check out my creepy slimy worm skin. And my whiskers aren’t hair they’re just extensions of me; they have nerves and everything. Also i eat poop. Actually, I’m kind of a despicable fish.

2. Bluegill!
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Hello! I’m small and cute and my belly is yellow. I’m not that hard to catch so you think it’ll be fun reeling me in and then you realize the second I hit the ground I’m completely covered in spiky horrible fins that cut you. Also, since I’m a fish and therefore filthy, look forward to that cut getting infected! Woohoo!

3. Crappie
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Yeah with a name like that I really don’t beat around the bush.

There are hundreds of fish out there waiting to be caught some fine summer evening! Go wild! Did you know that while goldfish crackers are delicious, actual goldfish are pretty terrible for eating? Now you know!

Old News, New News

So! After all the music criticism I’ve done, I’ve received at least three whole requests for me to complement some music. Now, I called Iron Maiden awesome in passing but I guess that’s just not good enough.

I like Coldplay. Specifically, I like their new album. If you don’t mind the simpler, abstracter (holy cow that’s a word) kind of music style employed by Coldplay and Coldplay-like bands (I admit it’s not for everybody), I recommend you purchase this album. If you liked Rush of Blood to the Head or simply know their few hits and were intrigued…if X&Y was a miss for you and you thought they’d maybe lost it, this is a Good Album. It’s simple but technically sound, it’s abstract but thematically intriguing, and it’s a real live example of a band maturing as musicians and expanding their horizons, and I appreciate growth in artists. That’s why I didn’t write off X&Y like a lot of my pals did; it showed Coldplay trying new things, and they did hit it right a few times.

Viva La Vida (the new album) does all the new things X&Y tried but does them right, and it gets back in touch with the honesty and simplicity in their earlier stuff.

So there. Nothing is linked up there so you don’t think I’m spamming. And that’s a good reason why I stay away from praise, it sounds too salesman like. Plus it’s not nearly as funny, is it? I bet not one of you is going to comment me a hateful lashing for my biased, unresearched ignorance!

And so! To change the subject! Mr. T. and miracles!

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I mentioned a while back that I share a birthday with Mr. T. I recently received this link, which is very old news.

But, for all of you haven’t heard this thoroughly remarkable story, a kid fell suddenly into a coma, once upon a time. He remained this way for some time, and his family was very concerned. The only thing that would get the kid to respond in any way, mentally or physically, was mentioning Mr. T. So, when the man himself was in town, he went ahead and stopped by.

And…you know where this is going, right? Mr. T. brought the kid out of his coma. He pitied the fool out of a coma.

This should be known by everyone. Spread the word.

Misunderstood Song #5

And this one. This one had to be done.

Misunderstood Song #5: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

What People Think: It’s based on a picture John Lennon’s son drew of his classmate Lucy (in the sky with diamonds).

The Truth: I know it’s a frequently-denied, controversial topic, but this song for me will forever be about drugs.

I’ll buy that maybe a kid drew a picture. I’ll even buy that he made it about Lucy in a sky of diamonds. But I won’t believe that nobody noticed the LSD thing. I know the Beatles all deny it vehemently, but I won’t believe that there’s just no trace of drug in this song.

I mean, I’ve never done a single illegal drug in my life, or even seen one, and I’m able to pick up on the druggyness of this song.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she’s gone.

Cellophane and kaleidoscopes and slowed down time?

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.

And I know you’ve heard this song, and how very heaavily “high” is emphasized there. They can’t not have known. They can’t not have known. Every kid who bought the album and ran home to listen recognized it right away.

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Sure. This is completely sober.

It’s not not about drugs. The people who think drugs had nothing to do with it and it was all Lewis Carrol and Children’s Drawings just might be under the influence themselves.

In Conclusion: This doesn’t mean I don’t like the song.

This also concludes Misunderstood Lyrics week. Thanks for playing along.

Misunderstood Song #3

When it comes to a negative song being mistaken for a positive song, I could just say look here and pop off for the day but I will not. Instead I wrote another one.

Misunderstood Song #3: Good Riddance

What everyone thinks: That it’s a happy farewell song. Great for graduations.

The truth: GAH just look at the title! It’s a snarky break-up song to an ex-girlfriend.

The problem is, radios promoted this song under the title “Time of Your Life,” which that Greenday guy said was a far too “level-headed” title for it.

Most people on the street know it as their prom song, “Time of Your Life,” a sweet sappy goodbye. Rethink. Its proper given title is “Good Riddance.”

“Good Riddance.”

Now replay the lyrics, with the title and the context (a break-up) in mind.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

They’re a wee bit bitter now that you think of it aren’t they?

In Conclusion: Think about context before you ever play this song again. Graduation? No. Prom? No. Break-up? Yes. Glad to see someone leave forever? Yes.

I mean, it’s Good Riddance for crying out loud.

We need a little love up in here.

Top Misunderstood Song #2 – The Number of the Beast

What Everyone Thinks: It’s a Satanic song! It celebrates Satan, and is BAD.

The Truth: It is not bad. It is awesome.

The song isn’t so much in celebration of Satan as it is in terror of him. Basically, the guy has witnessed a Satanic ritual, though whether it’s in real life or a dream is uncertain…

What did I see? Could I believe? That what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy

Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me?

Torches blazed and sacred chants were phrased
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires are burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can’t go on I must inform the lord
Can this still be real or just some crazy dream?

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While somewhat scary, this image is one of the milder examples of terrifying 80’s hair.

Ultimately, the storyteller is so freaked out that he goes to tell the authorities what’s happening, but gets sucked into the madness and oh no what now.

But that’s the thing. It’s not, hooray! Rituals! It’s, Oh, no. Rituals.

The thing about Iron Maiden is, they spend a lot of time singing about history, or being afraid. If you’re scared of the devil, you might relate to The Number of the Beast.

I can understand this kind of confusion ‘way back when this first came out and there was no Google to check the lyrics. But it’s now time to look closer. We have the internet.

In conclusion: If Bruce Dickinson and Judy Garland had a baby, that baby’s vibrato would surely be strong enough to shatter even the strongest foundations of the world.

Random Musical Thoughts

Mr. Piano Man – I won’t say I hate the song, even though I do. But what I will say is, piano is 3 syllables. Not pyano. Pi-an-o. This song gives me tremors. (thanks for catching the typo ;))

American Pie – Too dang long. Maybe it it stopped being long I’d care about its significance.

Sir Elton John – He seems like a cool guy, but I’ll be darned if I can stand a single one of his songs that isn’t Crocodile Rock. And even then, it depends on the setting.

Avril Lavigne – Oh my GOSH this chick is annoying. I am so serious about wanting her to retire forever. Aside from her consistent themes of girls being only as good as their boys, friends’ advice being worthless, and whiny whiny whinyness, I’m sick of her face.

Burn.

Hymns – What are these, like a hundred years old? Hey, grandpa hymns, why don’t you get young then maybe I’d care.

Hey There Delilah – I think this song is both creepy and overplayed. If I were Delilah I’d totally skip town and change my name.

Ever noticed how “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “You Raise Me Up” are the same song? Think about it. Do you ever hear them at once in the same place?

If Techno were a person, he’d be that really loud obnoxious guy who butts into the conversation to repeat his (stale) point over and over until somebody acknowledges him.

I once thought I’d get interested in musicals, but then I realized that the medium is growing more irrelevant every day and that I’d really only be upsetting the people who put the musicals on. And I think that’s punishment enough.

People are so sensitive about music, I’ve seen people take “your mom” jokes more in stride than cracks about their favorite music.

So I just got a new batch. These are ridiculously entertaining for me, but I know better than to keep encouraging them. Unless something drastically amazing happens after these, I’ll probably just ignore them from here.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is some kind of crazy spy code, though.

having turtles along is still I never/
I know managed playing then did visit most to ramble often I know/
berries. and went think were the best,/
names. let it go. I was trees think them. forts/
rewarding knew friends his the vast crashing down of my School up across beechnuts were the best,/
else a bit of crashing down the forests for the could reach. even know my misguided still there./
I thought plants a bit of plants the vast that day. visit along chunk Now,/
by helping well and foxes the tree,/
I’d surprise could reach. front yard snapping berries. places a job neighborhood having will never they had/
a scientist. community by helping came Years later, I still/

###

I was trees think them. Forts.

Poetry.

Okay, you guys. Finals are finally over and I’m starting to recuperate nicely. My absence from here has been spent writing 10 page essays, researching topics, editing documentaries, and flipping right the heck out.

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I don’t have to do this anymore.

Upon my return to SayNoToCrack, I decided to have a look through the comments and approve new ones and toss out the spam our filters miss sometimes. It’s no mystery that a lot of spam messages are made by some random word generator with links on every other word to random sites of ill repute. But today I found a great deal of these randomly generated messages with no links at all. A different name, e-mail address, and homepage (from nonexistent sites to amazon.com) were listed for each comment, but they all came from the same address.

Reading through them, I cannot help but wonder two things. First, is this spam some sort of message, ad is it spam at all or some misunderstanding? Second, does this make sense to everyone else and the reason I don’t get it is that finals finally just fried the last bit of my brain?

YOU decide! Here are all the mystery (spam?) comments, in order of posting (The “/” signifies the end of the comment; added by me for clarity).

The tale of the Mystery Commentor.

reaction and went chunk to my parents else were punished we watched and saw and saw trees probably/
I don’t know competing huge tree in a hollow we watched chunk and foxes I got I grew Years later, a pair that the/
will never We need turtles bellowed by year. for a while, with box and we/
sour, with box removing black Years later, The hollow front yard home adventures. up to I never/
were told chunk by themselves all what that day. were punished I’d hoped/
to ramble Behind for a while, beech log. playing planted these trees adventures./
leaf a job We had he got now gardening/
I even leaves from had probably leaves him. I even/
off the boys forts a job berries. scissors It is/

###

Scissors it is.

An Internet Cookie to the person who makes the most sense out of it. Go!

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