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Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

Dumb joke

OK, hopefully this joke isn’t THAT dumb … Anita loves fart jokes, so here’s my contribution:

An older man and woman are sitting in the front pew at church when the old woman leans over and says “I just let out a silent fart, you think we should move?” “No” replied the elderly man, “I think it’s too late now, but once we leave here I suggest we stop at Walgreens to get you a replacement hearing aid battery.”

And if you’re in space, good words to live by:
Fart in space suit

Silly Santa and Christmas Jokes

Merry Christmas everyone! Hopefully you’re getting a chance to enjoy your day off, spend time with your family, and keep away from these intertubes … unless of course you don’t like your family, in which case I hope you enjoy these silly Christmas jokes. If you have little kids, they may like some of these as well!

1st Guy: What do you think of this diamond ring I bought my wife?
2nd Guy: WOW! That rock is huge, but I thought she wanted that snazzy little red SUV?
1st Guy: She did, but where am I going to find a fake Jeep?

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Son to his mother: can I have a dog for Christmas?
Mom: No you can have turkey like everyone else!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!

What do you call a huge polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away as fast as you can

Whats the best thing to put in a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

Chuck Norris “facts”

chuck norrisI’m told that if you don’t live in a bubble, a third world country with no electricity, or a zoo, that you have probably heard the silly Chuck Norris “facts” circulating the internet and on TV. Apparently I’m completely removed from society, as I was surprised and amused when I stumbled across a series of these “facts”. Below is a small sampling … sure, Chuck Norris plays a tough guy on TV, but not exactly this tough:

  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
  • They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
  • While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  • Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
  • If You Have 5 Dollars And Chuck Norris Has 5 Dollars… Chuck Norris Has More Money Than You.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
  • Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
  • When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
  • Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  • Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

My apologies if you’ve heard these before. Once I started searching, I found that there must be hundreds of these facts … if you’ve heard others that you like (or would like to make up your own), I’d love to hear them.

A little Medical Humor

If you’ve frequented doctors’ offices, you may have found (as I have) that most doctors are pretty funny. In fact, I’ve found there to be an inverse relationship between the price of the office visit and the comedic strength of a doctor’s conversation – the more you pay, the funnier (s)he gets … and vice versa.

I believe they call this the Hypocrit’s Oath (not to be confused with the Hippocratic Oath): “I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Risus, and Ulterius that I shall not strip patients of large sums of money without telling them at least one good joke. If they cannot pay, I swear that I will resort to jokes such as ‘Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure’* to assuade any discontent and release the bonds on their purses.”
*) Apparently this means: “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” Latin experts, correct me if I’m wrong.

So here are a few jokes that I’ve heard either directly from, or about, doctors over the past few weeks:

Woman in room 219
A woman telephoned Memorial Hospital, and quietly asked: “Hello, can I please speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?”
The nurse she was transferred to replied, “I’d be happy to help, what’s the patient’s name and room?”
Woman: “Thank you dear, her name is Anna Decker, room 219.”
Nurse: “I have wonderful news for you then! She is doing very well, her blood test came back normal, her heart is fine, and her doctor said she’ll probably be able to go home on Tuesday.”
Woman: “What a relief, thanks for the information!”
Nurse: “Of course, would you like to come in visit Anna, is she your sister?”
Woman: “No, I’m Anna Decker in 219 … nobody tells me squat!”

Don’t overestimate patient intelligence
A woman came running into the emergency room screaming “help help, my little girl is allergic to insect bites and she just swallowed a bunch of ants!” An attendant came over and after finding that the girl had only eaten 5 or 6 ants reassured her that she would be fine, and asked that the woman just take a seat and wait to make sure the girl didn’t show any signs of a reaction. The woman replied: “oh, so you’re saying I didn’t need to give Clara that ant poison to kill the ants she ate?”
(as ridiculous as the situation is, what’s not funny is that some parents are actually that dumb)

If you can’t read it, ask
A woman took her baby into the pediatrician for an earache. The baby was crying hysterically, so he quickly prescribed ear drops and just told the woman to follow the directions. On the prescription, he wrote “2 drops in right ear, every four hours”. To save time, he abbreviated “right” by just writing an R.

A few days later the woman took the baby back in to see the doctor, and the baby was still screaming. The doctor asked “what happened, haven’t you followed the prescription?” The woman, exasperated, replied “Yes, I have the empty bottle right here … doc, I don’t what you were trying to pull, but now I have a baby with an earache a really greasy bottom from all those drops.”

The doctor, trying to hold back laughter, looked at the bottle and sure enough saw the following on the label:
warning label

And finally, a silly/gross one I just made up:
When he finally came home, Billy asked his dad: “Where’ve you been all day?”
Dad: “Well son, first I had to have a prostate exam and then had a few drinks afterward to unwind.”
Billy: “So instead of lollipops the doctors gave you juice?”
Dad: “Well, I guess you could say the doctor gave me something else instead of a lollipop, then I got juice when it was over.”
The next week, Billy’s mom took him into the doctors for his annual checkup. On the way to the office, Billy grabbed a lollipop and as he entered the room and handed the lollipop to Dr. Leppo, saying: “Here you go, give me a prostate exam, and make it juicy.”

Eeeewwwww. Maybe I should stick with other people’s jokes? 😉

weight on neutron starA few weeks ago, I read the following nerdy physics joke: A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender hands him one and says “for you buddy … no charge”

Immediately I thought … “Wow, I can write better nerdy jokes than this!” So here’s my attempt … these are all silly little jokes I just made up:

What did one electron say to the other electron during their wedding ceremony?
How am I supposed to get close enough to kiss you if you’re always being so negative!

Why did the neutron turn down the proton’s proposal for a date?
She didn’t feel much attraction towards him.

Why did the proton turn down another proton’s proposal for a date?
She found him downright repulsive.

What’s an electron’s favorite dance move?
The electric slide of course!

And now a longer one:
A proton walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender flatly says “No way”
Proton: But why not, you gave my buddy Electron a drink, and you gave one on the house to that cute neutron!
Bartender: I think you know why.
Proton: I have no idea!
Bartender: Are you sure you don’t know why?
Proton (now angry): I’M POSITIVE!!!
Bartender: Exactly, now get out here.

That’s about as creative as I can get on a Friday night … what do you think?

Quick fart jokes

It seems that almost everyone secretly likes fart jokes. Parents who feel obligated to give their kids the dirty eye when presented with some made up story of Johnny breaking wind in class may be telling the same joke to like minded coworkers the next day.

I have no idea what makes these jokes so funny, but we laugh nevertheless. We’ve included a few of our favorite fart jokes below, and hope you have some to contribute as well.

What would you call the definition of surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.

Why do farts stink?
So that deaf people can enjoy them also!

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles swell.

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots? (this was from a kid)
Bunny farts

How can you tell if a scuba diver ripped one?
Apparently he’ll look like this:
Fart in wetsuit
(thanks to ricmcarthur for this rather bizarre picture … maybe this costume is really meant to ensure he can survive Halloween?)

Finally, a little bit longer one:
Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “Doc, I’ve got really bad gas … I just fart all the time”
Doctor: “Hmmm, ok … go on”
Patient: “My farts do not stink and make no sound, but it’s rather alarming that I’m cranking them out all the time. We’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve farted six times. And as I stated, you couldn’t hear or smell them, right?”
Doctor: Picks up his pad and paper, then says “Hmmm … here’s a prescription I want you to fill.”
Patient: “This is GREAT doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
Doctor: “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

Have some fart jokes (or similar jokes) that you like? Send them in a comment!

Since our last set of jokes (Some blonde and wife jokes from a friend) received mixed reviews from our readers, I decided tonight that I’d post something completely different: silly kids’ jokes (we’ll post kids’ toilet humor jokes in the future).

Most of these are of the elementary school variety. Some you might have heard, others may be new. If you have kids, let us know how they liked these jokes – or send in your/their favorites:

How did the sand get wet?
The sea weed!

What’s yellow and sniffs?
A banana with the flu.

Why do the French like snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.

What is a ghost’s favorite ride?
A rollerghoster (sorry, I had to throw in one cheesy Halloween joke)

What did one traffic light say to the other?
Don’t look, I’m changing.

Perfect for a three to five year old:
You: Knock knock
Kid: Who’s there?
You (with gusto): Poop!
(that’s it – watch them roll in laughter … works every time)

What’s white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops?
A frog sandwich

And finally
Here’s a great one for a little kid to do to an unsuspecting adult, particularly for a precocious 5-6 year old with lots of energy and spunk. I have NO IDEA why it’s so funny, but I’ve seen it a couple times and couldn’t stop laughing:
Kid: Knock knock
Adult: Who’s there?
Kid: Chicken
Adult: Chicken … (kid would now interrupt and yell ‘CHICKEN!’ before the adult could finish asking ‘Chicken who’ – the surprise factor is 3/4th the fun. This is similar to the Poop one above but funnier for adults to hear)

(thanks to malingering for the picture)

Crazy e-bay feedback

Have you ever purchased something on eBay and been tempted to write completely ridiculous feedback after receiving the item (in case you didn’t know eBay encourages buyers/sellers to leave feedback after every purchase)? I’ve always wanted to do this, but never had the guts – particularly since I use my eBay account for work purchases.

I’ve pondered writing things like:

  • thanks for sending the underwear with the laserjet printer, fits snugly
  • i hope you look as good in person as in the included pictures, yum
  • works great, smells like limburger cheese – selling any nose plugs?

I’ve probably thought of 25 or 30 equally silly feedbacks over the past couple years, but tonight I stumbled upon what could be the greatest eBay feedback prankster ever – andy46477. This guy was a member in 1999, and only left nonsense/funny comments.

Here are some of my favorites:

  • If you can guess 3 of the foods in my retainer, I’ll send you a free VEGETABLE
  • I’ll bid on you til there’s nothing left but crumbs! Then I’ll bid on the crumbs
  • When I open boxes of cereal, you should be inside. Yes, you’re THAT GOOD!
  • I like my cars like I like my women – fast and expensive! Then I leave them
    Reply by 55chevy4: WHO IS THIS GUY ????????
  • Rotilla is a GOOD name for my wife. Don’t call her “Hey, STUMPY” again. EVER.
    Reply by hammerjammer: I don’t understand why this was left in the feedback section for me???
  • There was NO REASON for you to call my house and yell at my children. Still, A+
  • When life gives you a lemon, put it on eBay and I will bid on it.
  • You’re 15 genes short of HUMAN. But I mean that in a good eBay way. Yes I do!
  • Very polite, but I never spoke to him. Quick seller, yet I never bought. Hmmm.

You can read his entire eBay profile to find your own favorites here: eBay profile for andy46477. Have you ever received (or sent) funny/bizarre eBay comments? Like one of andy46477’s comments in particular? If so, let us know!

A friend of mine loves to tell “women are better left in the kitchen” type jokes (and blonde jokes). Here’s a few he just sent me. I’d love to hear similar jokes about guys … send them in the comments or e-mail me so I can post them!

  • How can you tell when a blonde’s been using your computer?
  • When there’s white-out on the screen.

  • Why do you never have to buy your wife a watch?
  • Cause there’s one right there on the oven.

  • When your wife is at the front door of your home trying to get in, and your dog is barking at the back door trying to get in, who do you let in first?
  • Your dog, because it will shut up once inside.

  • Ever wonder why God give women shorter feet?
  • It’s so they could stand closer to the sink when washing dishes.

Bad lawyer joke

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first lawyer showed up on time, but the second didn’t show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet…

1st lawyer: “How come you’re so late?”
2nd lawyer: “Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire..”
1st lawyer: “A milk bottle? Didn’t you see it in the road?”
2nd lawyer: “No, the kid had it under his coat…”

Have a better lawyer joke (or any joke)? Send it to us through the Contact Us page, or just add a comment.

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