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Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

Since my last one was such a darn hit, I thought I’d do another! This time I’ll veer away from the (apparenlty) touchier subjects, however, and attack a totally different genre.

So, this Wicked play. It’s pretty much teh lamezorz, right? Now, I know a lot of people like it, so I won’t say I think it’s musically stunted or lyrically cancerous, or that Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel sound identical in the sountdrack, or that the concept of a “revamped” Oz plot is ridiculous, but I will say, that stowed away in the score is one of the most fantastic jokes I’ve ever heard…

Oh yuck.
The plot and characters are embarrassing, but you won’t hear me say so, no sir.

The song I’ll be breaking down for you today is “For Good.” And I call this song a joke because it’s done something funny: it seems to have convinced everone it is actually contains a positive message.

Let’s break it down:

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you:

Whoooahhhh…snap!! Kristen (or Idina? I can’t tell!) starts off with this lovely philosophy: people come into our lives to help us grow, and become better…but then she throws it out the window by saying, yeah she doesn’t believe that. Idina (or Kristen?) has changed her somehow, but not necessarily by helping her grow.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

This, I think, is what loses people. I think that this is what fools everyone, and so I’m not going to go farther into the song than this (thank me later). Let me translate these lyrics (I even tried to set them up so you could sing along!):

Like a really insulting similie, about getting burned
Or another insulting similie, about being broken
I’m not sure I’m made a better person
But, you have changed me
And that change is permanent.

And that’s all! People have, for the duration of this song, forgotten that the phrase “for good” means “forever,” and instead take it to believe that she’s saying Krisdina has changed her for the better…despite the fact that two lines earlier she said she’s not sure if she has been changed for the better at all.

You could sing this song to the shark who bit your arm off and it would be appropriate: he changed your life (I mean, now you have no arm!), and maybe it’s not for the better…but that arm is gone for good.

But the real punchline is, that song was my graduation song. I just sat there, embarrassed for my friends in the choir who were, unknowingly I assume, singing to their friends, their teachers, their school, a song that basically says, you messed me up, and the change is permanent.

Which, in the case of my school, might be true, but still. Not exactly the theme song you want to go out on. Next time you hear this song, think of this. It’s not necessarily a positive song.

Still not as bad as the kids who got “Good Riddance” as their graduation song though. Haha, suckers.

[By the way, if you look up my old Breakin’ it Down article, don’t bother posting before you’ve read all the other comments: I’ve already been told by every atheist to go, girl and by many Christians oh no I didn’t, and by a few Christians to go, girl, and by many people that the article wasn’t funny anyway. There’s not much more ground to cover.]

Class Lesson

Classroom Chairs

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Joke via Dysan, pic thanks to Night Owl City.

I promised myself I’d present something excellent today, and not just a video…but I think this video is totally worth it. Now that I think about it, Eminem’s songs do all seem to focus on the same themes over and over…

And, yes, it is stuck in my head, and yes, it probably will be forever.

Friend for sale

Hey, I just thought I’d give a heads up for anybody looking around the market for an imaginary friend at a bargain price:

His name’s Jon Malipieman, and his creator’s just outgrowing him. He sounds very nice though, and I’m pretty fond of his picture:
Jon

Or, if Jon’s a little too expensive but you still want an imaginary friend, Tomily here is available through the 10th. Though, this guy sounds like the jealous type, based on his description, and his picture’s a lot smaller (what’s he trying to hide?)
8551_1.JPG

Can anybody find it in their hearts to provide a good home for these guys? Free shipping! While supplies last!

The Evil Overlord List

I realize this is a pretty old piece of work, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to share it with anyone who’s never seen it, because it really is excellent, and anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, should. Very long, but worth the read.

It’s a list of 100 things the creator would do (or not do), if he ever became an Evil Overlord. Basically, lessons learned from every epic movie/book/video game ever created. If you have a goal of someday achieving evil greatness, this is a definite must read. Some of my favorites:

  • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  • After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  • I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  • If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

And there are so many, many more. A good time-waster.

A Smart Blonde Joke

This picture has almost nothing to do with the following joke, other than the setting. I just thought it was a funny way to advertise chicken:

Chicken on Airplane

I’ve always loved smart jokes, and usually I am amused by blonde jokes (my son and half the people in my extended family are either blonde or used to be). Since smart and blonde jokes are usually mutually exclusive, I was thrilled to receive this rare gem from MC at Culture Kills:

Setup: A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.

Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.
Blonde: Sure, why not?
Lawyer: Great. What’s the circumference of the earth?
Blonde (after quietly handing him $5 from her purse): OK, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?

The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without any luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself: “Wait! You’ve gotta tell me, what was the answer???” Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then lays down and falls back asleep.

Joke Contest: We Have a Winner!

Your votes (all 321 of them) from our Best Short Joke Mini Contest have been tallied, and the joke with the most votes was this one:

Two cows are standing in a field. The first one asks “Aren’t you worried about this mad cow disease?” The second one responds “It doesn’t worry me, I’m a duck”.

For submitting this joke, V.dog wins the $25 prize (he requested a check in lieu of our super secret mystery prize). Here are the other 4 jokes rounding out the top 5:

#2 (from SteveT)

Guy comes home, yells to his wife, “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!” “Where are we going?” she asks. “What do you mean ‘we’?” he says.

#3 (from Dusty)

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

#4 (from LoQtus)

What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse’s butt? A mechanic.

#5 (from O’Bunny)

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

Hopefully you all enjoyed our fun little contest!

Wow, our Best Short Joke Contest received over 300 jokes! I just couldn’t cut my favorites list to less than 10 jokes, so rather than randomly picking a winner I figured I’d let you decide in a quick poll.

The person who submitted the joke with the most votes as of midnight on Thursday can choose between $25 or a super secret mystery prize. The people who submitted the top 5 jokes will also get special recognition.

Here are the jokes, pick your favorite then vote in the poll

1. What happened to the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer? He got behind with his orders!

2. What are seagulls that live by the bay? BAGELS

3. I was told that cow tongue is a delicacy, but I have a hard time tasting something that is tasting me back.

4. Two cows are standing in a field. The first one asks “Aren’t you worried about this mad cow disease?” The second one responds “It doesn’t worry me, I’m a duck”.

5. What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse’s butt? A mechanic.

6. Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

7. A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

8. It was so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

9. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

10. Guy comes home, yells to his wife, “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!” “Where are we going?” she asks. “What do you mean ‘we’?” he says.

Select your favorite, then click Vote
View Results

UPDATE: The contest is over, but I’m waiting for you to help me pick the winner in this short poll. Thanks for all your great jokes, I had a fun time reading them!

Why did the chicken cross the roadTime for another fun little contest. This one’s easy – just add a comment with your best short joke.

Leave as many jokes as you’d like, they can be original or ones you’ve heard elsewhere. The only limitations are to keep them short and keep them G/PG rated.

Depending on the response, I’ll either announce my favorites here or put them up for vote. The top 5 will get posted here with a link back to their site (if they have one). I’ve decided to throw in a fun mystery prize for the best one (or a cash prize if the winner would prefer)!

Even cheesy or bad jokes are welcome … I laugh at almost anything, even this:

Worst chicken cross the road joke ever

The contest will end Saturday night, so don’t delay in showing off your inner Comedian! 😉

Tickle Me

Do you think you’re funny … or do you have a good joke that you’d like to try out? If so, now you can get an unbiased opinion from the unlikeliest of places – Google. That’s right, apparently Google has a sense of humor, and is anxiously waiting to critique your jokes.

Skeptical? Me too, until I just asked Google to “tickle me”. And guess what? Google laughed! Actually, only 86% of Google laughed, but that’s still a lot of Googleliciousness for just two words.

Want to give it a shot? Go to Make Google Laugh. If you create good ones, I’d definitely love to know.

Time for a few more jokes. Let’s see what Google thinks:

First: A REALLY BAD joke that I just made up

What is the difference between the Easter Bunny and a well rested blogger?
Some people still believe the Easter Bunny exists.

The verdict? No laughter, Google only found it 3.5246% funny. I was hoping for at least 3.53%, but I think I’ll live.

Second: A nonsense kids joke that I just made up

Oink Oink.
Moo there?
Poo.
Poo hoo?
Poo poo!

Google’s verdict? Google laughs!!! Almost 65% funny. Now if only Google could tell me what my cow and pig knock-knock joke actually meant, I’d be impressed!

Third: A silly kid’s knock knock joke from a friend’s 6 year old

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Chicken
Chick…
CHICKEN!!!

(note: if you plan to deliver this joke, say CHICKEN well before the person can finish saying “chicken who”)

The verdict? Google laughs!!! 100% FUNNY! No applause needed, my comedy tour starts next week.

How did you do? Did you make Google laugh? If so (or if you just want to share your jokes), leave me a comment. I had a lot of fun with this, and hope you did too! 😉

(found via Google Blogoscoped)

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