Unless that something is this. (by the way,
graphic violence, bad writing).

Litchfield is my home town. If you’ve ever been to the non-big-city portion of the midwest US, you’re probably familiar with the type of city: small, surrounded by farmland, and mainly uninteresting. Litchfield has some perks, though: we’re right on Route 66, we have annual antique car and motorcycle festivals, and we’re right off the interstate: a good stop for a coffee break on your way to somewhere more interesting (Linkin Park once ate at our Denny’s on their way to Peoria. it was a big deal). Also, we have one of the last few old drive-in theatres in the state.

check out our l33t bald eagle’s nest

So imagine my surprise when a Google search brings up that monster. The gist of the story is, in the early nineties a man went nuts, murdered his wife, put her head in a bucket of cement (so the story goes) and threw it into our town’s own Lake Lou. And, as the rumor goes, the bucket was never found. Like that lake wasn’t eery enough.

Ever since it’s been a playground horror story, told in whispers and with much uneducated flourish. Sort of a local legend, so I wasn’t too surprised that there was a book…I was surprised that the author was from St. Louis, and even more surprised that he was, apparently, completely drunk while writing it.

I think it’s wrong when such a terrible story is told so badly that I can’t stop laughing about it. There’s only one review of this book on Amazon.com and it’s by one of the people involved in the story, who says basically, the author made up the dialogue completely. He interviewed nobody, made everything up, and, essentially, did everything in his power to make the people of Litchfield sound like total hicks (or at least, for the first few pages in the Amazon preview).

The book opens with the body of the victim being found. With the flourish of a poet, he ends his “colorful” description of the gruesome nature of the situation with this gem (after throwing in some false dialogue): “Like a slap, the rank smell of burning flesh assaulted them.” It assaulted them. Like a slap. Can someone please tell me why that sentence makes me laugh so hard? I can’t stop.

And when most would be at a loss for words to describe the terrible sight, this author comes through for us all: “It was a very nasty piece of business.”

Behold the awesome display of powers of comparison: “this was a scene from Fright Night or some other slasher movie.” C’mon now. Would it have been so hard to look up from writing and ask the next person in the room for another comparison? Like that one movie or….some….other, different movie of the same genre. Right. Brilliant.

What’s funniest, I think, is the fact that in his efforts to make the small town folk seem completely small-town quaint unedumucated, some of the false-hickishness seems to rub off on him, as he actually uses the phrase “drunked-up,” and he wasn’t even fake quoting anybody. Drunked-up? I’d bet my last lonely dollar that that is the first and last time I ever see the phrase “drunked-up” used seriously.

Other fun: he claims Lake Lou is a spot often used for teens’ “necking.” Lake Lou is a hole of mud…we have another, prettier lake across town and the aforementioned drive-in cinema for “necking.” I don’t think people have even “necked” since the 50’s anyway, and certainly nobody necks at Lake Lou. I mean, not even before there was a head in the lake.
On the back cover, he describes Litchfield as “droll.” Droll? Is this man Jane Austen? Droll?? The town’s small…quaint, maybe, but droll?

The moral of this story is, come to Litchfield. Eat at our too many restaurants. Sleep at our too many hotels. Enjoy our rich history of festivals and heads in buckets. Have a…droll time. Droll. Droll?

Droll.

It’s been a while, right? I’m sure you’ve all read the latest Harry Potter book, right? I mean, all of you who…y’know…read the Harry Potter books.

So you won’t mind me finally posting this, right?

I have to confess, I absolutely love step-by-step comedic evaluations of books, movies, etc. Thus, even though I’ve never read any Harry Potter book, I still laughed when I read this page-by-page synopsis of the Deathly Hollow.

“Page 226: Hermione’s exclamation of shock: “Merlin’s pants!” I mention this without comment. Consider it a sorbet, to cleanse the palate.”

Yes. Yes.

However, a lot of people really like the book, so any teasing, even if well-meant just for comedy, can rub them the wrong way. Don’t feel left out: here is another step-by-step break-down of something that really is horrible, no matter who you are or what you like. The Ralph Bakshi Lord of the Rings film. This one’s illustrated!

If you’ve never seen it, lucky you.

“18. How To Recognize An Elf.
- Sappy pseudo-cheerful woodland Elf-music plays whenever they appear.
- They have eyes like Bambi.
- They’re all exposed three F-stops too bright.”

I can’t tell you why I find this letter from Geico to Optimus Prime regarding his insurance policy so funny, but I really, really do.

“Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage.”

Dag, man. I’m going to have to remember that.

Speaking of Geico, though…for all you who are familiar with the various commercials currently on the air…the British gecko, and the disgruntled caveman, keep your eye on ABC, because those cavemen are going to be appearing in their own sitcom.

Heaven help us. For all you unfamilliar with the cavemen, or in need of a reminder, here:

The commercial series continues as the caveman takes various steps to have the advertisements removed, and deal with his disappointment at how difficult it is to get any respect.

So, what do you think? A series based on an advertisement: will it a) never even make it on the air, b) make it on, but get cancelled within a week, c) make it, get its times switched around for a few weeks, then fade into cancelled oblivion without anyone noticing, or d) actually be a hit?

I think B, but it really would warm my heart if this somehow overcame all odds and was actually good.

Happy Birthday to me!
It’s my birthday (yippee!)
I like to eat cookies,
Happy birthday to me!

Yay! Yep, yep, yep, I’m so old. But I love birthdays, mostly. Time for cake (German chocolate), ice cream (vaaanilla), presents, and cards. I love cards. E-cards and real-life paper cards…it’s nice to get little personal messages (and money!), and even better to get home-made cards. Such cool statements.

But I can’t think of a statement quite like a whole website, right? Perhaps you can think of someone special in your life you’d like to surprise with a website (seemingly) built just to make them feel special?

Just replace “say.no.to.crack.reader” with your first name and last name, or with your friend’s first and last name (for instance, “joe.shmoe”, or “jane.lynn.doe” there’s no limit to the number of names) in the following web addresses, and voila! An instant message of friendship…or enemyship…or pwnedship. Turn up your speakers and prepare to be…something.

You Are My Friend!

You Are Mighty!

You Are Lame! (I don’t actually think you’re lame)

They Will Be Defeated! (this one is written to you, about your enemy)

You Just Got 0WNED!!1

Do You Have Epilepsy Maybe? [warning: do not view if you actually do have epilepsy!]

I know they’re just silly, but I bet they’d brighten up somebody’s day. A fun way of letting a person know you’re thinking about them.

Check out Aninote.com for a few more…including one Ultra-personalized lovey-dovey one.

(thanks, Amy Winfrey, for the birthday lyrics)

I made a post in a forum a long time ago about the similarities between Ringers and Trekkies, and have re-created it here, with minor tweaking and an extra tablespoon of love for you guys:

Hard core Lord of the Rings fans have been given a name in the past several years, since the movies premiered and gained a bigger fan base: Ringers. I guess. In an interview a few years ago on the Tonight Show, Elijah Wood described Ringers as kind of like Trekkies. And at first I thought that was kind of unfair…I mean, it’s fantasy versus sci-fi, a show versus a movie: dangit, that wasn’t just an unfair comparison, it was a…a…and then I thought, wait. Maybe…maybe…he had a point. I mean, when I thought about it:

Star Trek: features a band of people making their way across space, many species from many planets, helped by the occasional Vulcan comrade: a tall, wise, pointy-eared, race of people with cool powers.

LOTR: features a band of mortals making their way across middle-earth, many races from many lands, helped by the occasion Elf comrade: a tall, wise, pointy-eared race of people with cool powers.

Trekkies: Learn and fluently speak imaginary languages (for instance, Klingon)

Ringers: Learn and fluently speak imaginary languages (for instance, Elvish)

Star Trek: features a variety of different races and beings, with different powers and abilities.

LOTR: yeah, that too.

Trekkies: Wait outside theaters for hours, dressing up as their favorite characters for fun.

Ringers: yeah, that too.

Star Trek: has a prime directive.

LOTR: Well, yeah

Trekkies: Can quote their favorite episodes (and the movies) line for line, and can name even the minorest of characters.

Ringers: Can quote the movies line for line and can name even the obscurest of characters (where WAS Gil-Galad? I know.)

LOTR: one of the worst enemies used an unnatural means for creating a race of mindless killing machines (uruk-hai)

Star Trek: one of the worst enemies used unnatural means to create mindless assimilating machines (the Borg).

LOTR: Every once in a while a race of immortal beings with extraordinary powers will step in and help (or sometimes confuse and irritate) the people, all for the progressing of the greater good of everything (Istari, wizards).

Star Trek: Remember Q?

At this point I had to stop, as my world was ready to cave in all around me. Up was down, black was white, the world ceased to make sense! Of course, it did help when I came down off the three bags of fruit leathers and got out of the washing machine, but still! Dang!

there are four lights!

I guess we fanatics, we’re really not so different after all. Maybe one day we can live in peace: the Ringers, the Trekkies, the Star Wars fans, the Bean stalkers, the Bruce Campbell fans…

Mmmm…perfect world. Except those darn Fanilows. Seriously, who cares what they think.

You remember Mad Libs? Those little books of stories with words blanked out, and you had your friends fill in the words so that the story made no sense? Man, I had so much fun with those when I was little, and finding this website recreation just totally made my day.

They’ve got a pretty nice collection of stories, and if you’re into that kind of (admittedly childish) humor, you should have all kinds of fun with this. Here’s a story I created about a Knight and a Dragon:

“Once upon a time, there was a fuzzy knight named Jasper, who, by his valiant taste, saved the kingdom from the dry dragon and murdered the princess in the nick of time. He rode his soapy duck from the crappy tundra upon which the kingdom was built, journeying into the unknown. He was morose and did not stop for fear the dragon would shank them all [that last phrase? My absolute favorite.].

By and by, he came to a giant mirror which blocked his path. He stopped and waddled cheerfully to himself. Then, summoning his grumpy sorrow, he washed the mirror out of his way and continued onward.

At last, he reached the dark cave of the silky dragon. The dragon curdled at his approach. They fought half-heartedly. The battle was conniving and cold, raging a whole three seconds, until at last, the knight seized the dragon by the shin and ate him in the uvula [second favorite ]. The princess was grateful, and the knight pranked her over his shoulder and returned to the king. The two promptly fell, and they lived wistfully ever after.”

Haha, ooooohhh my. I think it’s almost funnier when the phrases actually make sense…though, I think I might find this whole thing funnier than I should. Enjoy!

Daily Blog Tips is holding a friendly face-off between this site and Random Good Stuff. Since they required a photo, I thought “why not?” and submitted one from a couple years ago.

Click the picture, or check out the face-off here, to get an idea for what I look like. Oh, and don’t forget to vote!

And for those who are wondering - no, my hair isn’t green, it’s just a REALLY bad photo (and me tinkering with the colors in photoshop just seemed to make it worse)!

Bunk is rather mysterious fellow. In fact, I know almost nothing about him other than his interest in this site, 80’s movies, and silly jokes. But lately he started sending us quite a few pictures and links, so I decided to officially ask him to join the team.

If you’re interested in joining Ben, Bunk, and myself, just let me know. Contributors get a link back to their site from every post (Bunk and Ben don’t have websites, which is why their posts link to an author page). I’d even pay you (or a charity) for any posts that become extremely popular. If you’re interested, Contact Me for more information.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering what Bunk looks like, he’s the one in the middle:

On Friday, I learned that Say No to Crack is a finalist for Best New Blog in the 2007 Weblog of the Year Awards (”The Bloggies”). Voting is still open to select the #1 New Blog (directions below), but first I wanted to thank you all so much for your support and nominations so far!

This site has become something far more random, more fun, and more interesting than I initially conceived - all because of your feedback, comments, and submissions. I would give you an award or something, but since you’ve already been named Time’s person of the year, how can I beat that?

Voting for the #1 new blog will continue until Friday, February 2nd. To vote, go to http://2007.bloggies.com/ (you don’t need to vote for every category, the Best New Blog category is near the bottom).

At any time, feel free to contact me via the tab at the top of the page, or e-mail: anitab83 -at- gmail -dot- com. I love posting your submissions, or expanding on ideas if you wish, and will always give you and your site credit.

Thanks again!

Are you tired of your current life and want a change? Do you wish you could lead the charming life of a beach bum in some exotic location? If so, now you can! This Australian guy is offering his identity, lifestyle, friends, family and more to the highest bidder (as a bonus, his name is gender neutral, so ladies are eligible as well):

Not convinced? Check out some of the perks:

• Roughly 300 CDs
• Pushbike (Has wonky handlebars, may need some work)
• Childhood photos
• Acquisition of 15 close friends, countered by only 2 nemeses
• Training in his job as a March fruit delivery man
• New parents

Plus, he’ll teach you some amazing skills:

• Surfing
• Handstand Skills
• Fire Twirling Skills
• Devil Stick Twirling

The eBay auction ends tonight, so bid soon!