I mean…really now…

It’s the follow up to that Gates and Seinfeld Microsoft commercial. It makes…well, this one has a plot, but. How is this going to make Vista stop sucking?

At least this one had…y’know…comedy. And old people. Though I hope that “gimme a sign” routine doesn’t become a running gag.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the PC versus MAC ads that won’t shut up no matter how hard we wish. Well, Microsoft has answered…

…sort of?

What is this? It’s…well, it’s Bill Gates. And…Jerry Seinfeld being remarkably un-funny. Outstandingly lame cake and planet jokes and no mention whatsoever of any actual microsoft computer technology.

And what’s with the look they give each other after Gates says, “Leather.” It’s like a code. I feel like I’ve just watched a front. Like, somewhere in the world, some super secret spy sees Gates and Seinfeld in this commercial and slowly nods his head, picking up the phone.

“Yes, I saw it.” he says. “At last. Thank you. The invasion may now begin.”

Or, alternatively, Microsoft is introducing a line of cakeputers. Either way, I am mystified.

Garfield Minus Garfield.

A looong time ago, someone thought it’d be a great idea to remove all the speech bubbles from the title character of the Garfield comic strip. I don’t know who first thought of this, but the results were hilarious. More hilarious, in fact, than any actual Garfield strip has ever been, ever.

I mean honestly.

With that goldmine of joy all but used up, Garfield Minus Garfield takes it one step further. What if the character Garfield the cat were removed from his strip altogether? That would leave only Jon.

Jon, and one of the saddest, funniest, and strangest glimpses into the mind of a lonely madman…

This one is by far my favorite

Suddenly it’s not as light-hearted without the cat commentary.

Sob, sob.

This site is definitely worth adding to your list of daily reads.

But I can’t help but wonder if a few of those initial steps might have been skip-able.

But hey, can’t argue with results.

Holy Painted Eyebrows, Batman!

Some highlights:

Robin: “Gosh, Batman, this camel grass juice is great.”
Batman: “Beware of strong stimulants, Robin.”

Robin: “To the batcave?”
Batman: “And up the batpoles.”
Robin: “The batpoles?”
Batman: “Even crimefighters need their sleep, Robin.”

Batman: “Human mechanisms are made by human hands, Robin. None of them is infallible. It is a lesson that must be faced.” Too true, too true.

Robin: “Self-control is sure tough sometimes, Batman!”
Batman: “All virtues are, old chum. Indeed, that’s why they’re virtues.”

Batman: “Robin, the Constitution provides that a man is innocent until proven guilty. And the Constitution is the cornerstone of our great nation. We must abide by it.”
Robin: “Gosh, when you put it that way…”

Wisdom for the ages.

It always frustrates me when people establish themselves as one thing, then suddenly decide that entitles them to a huge following in another arena. I’m not so much mad at these athletes…because…it’s too hilarious. But actors turned musicians, or worse, musicians turned actor; athletes turned actor are almost always going to disappoint, and I always feel a little weird about actors becoming major political figures. I mean, I guess it worked for Reagan, but…

But then I suppose I can’t begrudge anyone the attempt to cross over into other paths, because sometimes, it’s far too priceless.

So, this Wicked play. It’s pretty much teh lamezorz, right? Now, I know a lot of people like it, so I won’t say I think it’s musically stunted or lyrically cancerous, or that Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel sound identical in the sountdrack, or that the concept of a “revamped” Oz plot is ridiculous, but I will say, that stowed away in the score is one of the most fantastic jokes I’ve ever heard…

The plot and characters are embarrassing, but you won’t hear me say so, no sir.

The song I’ll be breaking down for you today is “For Good.” And I call this song a joke because it’s done something funny: it seems to have convinced everone it is actually contains a positive message.

Let’s break it down:

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you:

Whoooahhhh…snap!! Kristen (or Idina? I can’t tell!) starts off with this lovely philosophy: people come into our lives to help us grow, and become better…but then she throws it out the window by saying, yeah she doesn’t believe that. Idina (or Kristen?) has changed her somehow, but not necessarily by helping her grow.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

This, I think, is what loses people. I think that this is what fools everyone, and so I’m not going to go farther into the song than this (thank me later). Let me translate these lyrics (I even tried to set them up so you could sing along!):

Like a really insulting similie, about getting burned
Or another insulting similie, about being broken
I’m not sure I’m made a better person
But, you have changed me
And that change is permanent.

And that’s all! People have, for the duration of this song, forgotten that the phrase “for good” means “forever,” and instead take it to believe that she’s saying Krisdina has changed her for the better…despite the fact that two lines earlier she said she’s not sure if she has been changed for the better at all.

You could sing this song to the shark who bit your arm off and it would be appropriate: he changed your life (I mean, now you have no arm!), and maybe it’s not for the better…but that arm is gone for good.

But the real punchline is, that song was my graduation song. I just sat there, embarrassed for my friends in the choir who were, unknowingly I assume, singing to their friends, their teachers, their school, a song that basically says, you messed me up, and the change is permanent.

Which, in the case of my school, might be true, but still. Not exactly the theme song you want to go out on. Next time you hear this song, think of this. It’s not necessarily a positive song.

Still not as bad as the kids who got “Good Riddance” as their graduation song though. Haha, suckers.

[By the way, if you look up my old Breakin' it Down article, don't bother posting before you've read all the other comments: I've already been told by every atheist to go, girl and by many Christians oh no I didn't, and by a few Christians to go, girl, and by many people that the article wasn't funny anyway. There's not much more ground to cover.]

And, yes, it is stuck in my head, and yes, it probably will be forever.

Have you ever noticed that Paris Hilton looks a lot like Smurfette?

The similarities don’t end at appearances either:

Smurfette: Premiered in 1981 on NBC
Paris Hilton: Born 17 February 1981

Smurfette: Was magically created out of clay by Gargamel to cause jealousy and competition between smurfs
Paris Hilton: Has a clay personality, thinks everyone is jealous, and wants famous men fighting over her

Smurfette: Considered to be the worst singer in all of Smurfdom
Paris Hilton: Did you ever listen to her album, Paris?

Smurfette: Wears tiny white dresses that barely cover her smurfly parts
Paris Hilton: Wears tiny white dresses, and often shows her, uh, smurfly parts

Smurfette: Always causing trouble, including flooding of the smurf village
Paris Hilton: Do we need to go into details?

Smurfette: Underwent extensive plastic smurfery to become a blond bombshell
Paris Hilton: Underwent extensive plastic surgery to transform her from smurfly-looking to tabloid-worthy

Smurfette: Has large smurf feet
Paris Hilton: Is embarassed that plastic surgery couldn’t shrink her large feet

Smurfette: Lives under a mushroom in a strange fantasy world
Paris Hilton: Lives a strange fantasy life, and (based on her smarts) presumably grew up under a mushroom

Coincidence? I think not.