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Archive for November, 2010

Clumsiness = Heroism

Well, I’ve got some news for y’all up in this blog. Yours truly? A hero. Not like a super hero…more like, a super duper hero.

Pssh. Amateur.

All this time, I thought falling down those stairs and breaking all those bones made me some kind of dumb klutz…but little did I know, it made me a hero – failure at gravity is actually success in courage. Now, I’m not applying this label to myself; I’ve had this heroism thrust upon me. It started a last week when a friend visited and took me to wander around my hometown’s supermarket. Toward the end of my visit, I decided I needed to use the restroom, so I wheeled my chair on over to the ladies’ room and attempted to cram myself through the thin, maze-like “handicap-accessible” entrance way.

When I saw someone trying to exit at the same time, I tried to scootch over, lodging myself in a corner, essentially stuck. The woman in question looked down at me with eyes overdone with about seventy layers of aqua blue eyeshadow.

Her face was twisted with sadness as she uttered, “You are such a brave woman.”

I’d say wearing that shade was pretty brave.

I wasn’t sure how to take that. It’s not particularly brave to ram your dumb self into a wall and get stuck, but maybe I did it in some impressive way you just had to witness. I smile and thank her as she tugs my chair out from the wall at an angle to let me through.

“So brave,” she repeated. “How long have you been in that thing?” She was referring to my wheelchair.
“About a month,” I answered, “but I”ll be up again in a few weeks.”

She clicked her tongue. “Wow, I just can’t…you are a brave, strong woman. Do you need help with anything? Anything? I really don’t mind!”

Well, folks, we were in a public restroom and she was insisting to help me with anything so you’ll forgive me if my voice got a little panicked and I shooed her away as quickly and politely as I could: no I did NOT need help with anything in a public restroom, strange eyeshadow lady, no, no, no, no, nonono.


So I wrote the whole event off as a lone weirdo mistaking me for a veteran or something.

But then! As my ability to get out and about increases, so do my social demands! Last Sunday, my family took me with them to church, where everyone already knew about my accident. And it happened again! I was called brave, strong, incredible, beautiful, and every one of these adjectives was followed by woman, which is great, because if they hadn’t specified, I never would have guessed.

So as it turns out, all you have to do to get a hero’s treatment is show up in a wheelchair. Maybe people see it as me taking one for the team – statistically, somebody’s gotta wind up in one, and I’m just doing my part to keep them on their feet. How thoughtful.

In this issue, Little Miss Helpful gets cancer so you don’t have to!

I’ve had dozens of people tell me they just couldn’t do what I’m doing; frankly I didn’t know that getting by from day to day was so impossible. That kind of makes me wonder how they’re also dressed, groomed, and in public but hey, it’s a serious thing for someone to admit they can’t face their lives, so I wasn’t going to pick at them.

So admire me, readers, for I am the strong, brave, courageous person who fell down some stairs and now gets around the house and hangs out and does stuff: feats far beyond the capability of any normal human apparently. Don’t applaud. Thanks are not necessary. Cash is just fine.

Paypal is accepted.

Here at SayNoToCrack, we’re against the use of illegal drugs. And the use of legal drugs illegally. But in the past month, due to my accident, I’ve had to consume a number of prescription medications, including a pain killer, which opened me up to a whole new set of experiences: being physically dependent on a drug, and going through mild/moderate withdrawal. How did this happen, you ask? Let me lead you through the steps:

Step 1

First step, be injured enough that you get prescribed some addictive pain medication. Don’t bother asking if the meds are addictive. It also helps if you have a doctor who also won’t bother to let you know the meds are addictive.

Step 2

Take the meds until you run out. Don’t bother using your brain and wondering if you should have maybe eased yourself off them instead of just taking regular doses until you’re forced to quit cold turkey by the bottom of the pill jar.

No more for you!

Step 3

Notice that your clothes don’t seem to fit comfortably anymore. Then notice that your skin doesn’t fit comfortably anymore. Then notice that you are somehow entirely too hot, while simultaneously far too freezing to be able to relax. Never be comfortable again.

Step 4

Feed all your friends and loved ones into a pit of vipers. Because it’s either that, or a pit of angry jungle cats. But then the cats get out and attack you, so maybe that was the wrong choice.


Step 5

Wake up sweating buckets. Sheets, pillows, pajamas, and skin are totally soaked and in literal need of a towel to dry them off. Call for help to do this, because exposing your soaked skin to the freezing air will almost certainly kill you.

Step 6

Wish for more nightmares, because at least you’d be asleep. Never sleep again.

Step 7

Cry all day.

Step 8

Decide that this emotionally and mentally unstable condition you find yourself in is absolutely the perfect time to read an emotionally-charged book series like the entire Hunger Games trilogy. Idiot.

Step 9

Finally work all the drugs out of your system. Sleep decently for the first time in a week and enjoy your food again. Write a blog about it.


…and there you have it! These are the 9 steps through physical dependency I found worked for me. I won’t say you should try it out yourself, because it was an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but I’m glad I had it.

Who am I kidding, it was terrible. Always ask your doctor for all the particulars, kids!

Adventures in Gravity

I know how you’re feeling. You’ve opened SNTC in your browser and you’re staring at the screen, the sting of betrayal hot on your mind. You see a new post from Karen and you think, what is this. What could she possibly say? How long has SNTC stood empty of comment, leaving your poor readers alone and lonely? Too long, you say. I owe you something now. You deserve karmic revenge.

I google image searched “karmic revenge” and was given this picture

Well, you got it. In penance, I’ve thrown myself down some stairs for you. Except replace “thrown myself” with “tripped and fell” and “for you” with “for no reason” and tag “I broke both my feet and my pelvis cracked in half” at the end.

My pelvis.

So for the past month I’ve been too busy having plates screwed to my bones, downing pain meds, getting about a hundred thousand foot surgeries, wheeling around in a chair, and feeling like a moron to actually get online and be productive.

Nowadays I have nothing but free time, so you should see more soon.