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Archive for May, 2010

When I was a kid, the movies taught me that there were five things that I wanted. Now, you’ll have to remember that it was the early nineties, and, being a kid, I was impressionable. It is only with adult eyes that I can see that I totally still want these things now.

1. A lightsaber

When I was a kid, this was the ultimate icon of being awesome. This weapon of the Jedi was only to be used by the capable, the talented, and, naturally, the awesome. Every kid thought that he could be that way too, if only he had one of these.

The problem, of course, is that, were it real, the lightsaber would be the most dangerous weapon one could wield. At least with a gun, you can be fairly certain the deadly part is facing away from you. With the lightsaber, it’s flailing all about your face, and getting hit means you lose a body part. Instantly.

And, while the new series may have made some parts of the Star Wars universe less awesome, lightsabers only got better.

Everything is better when doubled

2. A dinosaur

For some reason, it seemed every kid my age went through a dinosaur phase, where it was all we could talk about, or read about. It may have had to do with the fact that Jurassic Park came out during this period, and was oddly being marketed to kids, despite featuring lots of gory, dinosaur-related carnage.


But that didn’t matter. Most kids, especially kids that were smaller than the others, or maybe got picked on a lot (I was pure muscle and eight feet tall, this wasn’t a problem), wanted a dinosaur to be their best friend. Everyone would do what you said out of fear of being eaten. Bedtime was a thing of the past.

3. A Wise-Cracking Animal Sidekick

The dinosaur thing kind of fits in with this. As its been said, everyone is the hero of their own story. Being pumped full of Disney cartoons, I grew up with the assumption that all heroes had sarcastic animal friends who were quick with a song, joke, and eventual straight-to-video spinoff. So I never could understand where my sidekick was. I knew many animals as a child, and not one of them sang, or even had the voice of Nathan Lane. The only animals I could get to follow me around were the wasps whose nest I disturbed.

And their jokes are terrible

2. My Parents to Disappear

For some this may seem odd, but I know at least one person my age read that and went “Kevin!” No, not your brother. Though he may have stolen your car again.


One of the biggest hits of my childhood was Home Alone. This movie knew what kids wanted. Every kid deep down knows that he could take care of himself, if given the chance, and this movie proved it. Kevin not only learns to feed himself, and go shopping, but he also fends off two burglars, as inept as they may be. We could all do the same. In was inherent in our genes. We just needed to opportunity. If my parents had gone on vacation, accidentally leaving me behind, I knew that I could not only do as well as Kevin, but better. I knew it wouldn’t end with me crying in the corner the second the wind outside made scary noises. No, that only happens now.

1. Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Room

I don’t even feel the need to explain this one. I’m just going to show you.