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Archive for January, 2010

Old People

Attention old people: You are slow. Could you read that okay? Probably not. YOU ARE SLOW. That’s better. Now, I know some of you probably think I’m being unfair to the older readers here at Say No to Crack, and I concede I am. But of course old people know they’re slow. Except for a few.


And I shudder to think what their definition of fast would be.

But the point stands. The majority of the elderly are aware that they no longer move with their same youthful speed. So would it be so hard for them to get out of my way.

Say, for instance I am at the store. I have less than ten items, a fact which entitles me to my own lane. This makes the trip potentially much quicker, and I do not wish to bathed in fluorescent lights and muzak for longer than I have to be. Nothing in this world should prevent me from exchanging money for goods in a hurry – except for the elderly roadblock nice lady who has decided that her Metamucil can only be found in the middle of the aisle.

An easy solution presents itself. I could simply go around, correct? Simple enough, if I wanted to send an old person hurling to the floor faster than they’ve been able to walk in twenty years. What do you take me for?

You see, in addition to losing their ability to move at a reasonable speed, the elderly also tend to lose the ability to move in a straight line. They will weave left and right until they either bump into something or someone – and I don’t want to be that someone. Asking politely if you could slip by rarely works either, as that would require them to hear you, or, at the very least, give a young person a break.


Excuse me, ma’am…um…never mind.

But let’s not dwell on the unpleasant. Think for a moment: when driving on the Interstate, there’s a lane for people that wish to go slower, is there not? The choice is clear: an elderly grocery store lane.

Section off a part of every store aisle exclusively for the aged. This way, those who can move faster than a glacier will be able to get what they need quickly, and those who think the glacier needs to slow down a tad can meander towards the Tom Brokaw books. We can even add bumpers to the sides to protect against weaving.


And aid bowling

Of course, if we’re building separate lanes for people who are ticking me off:

You, Ms. Hurry Goesfast. There is nothing you have to get that will not still be there in two more minutes. This isn’t a catch your own rabbit store.


Though that would be AWESOME.

There’s no reason to bowl everyone over on your way to buy those q-tips. Ear wax is not a pressing issue. I hope. But whether you get it at sixty miles an hour or an actual human speed makes no difference. It will still feel all weird when you stick it in your head.

So, by pushing and shoving me out of the way, by cutting me off because you cannot wait one second for me to finish picking a candy bar, you’ve broken store etiquette. You can’t just cut someone off in the checkout lane. That’s like the real-world equivalent of…something…bad.


Pictured: something bad

So slow down people. Life’s too short to go racing through it after over-priced frivolities. And, speed up. And get off my lawn.