I’m not good at cellphones. I just am not. I’m mean to them, and I frequently keep them in pockets they apparently hate, judging by their constant attempts to jump out of them and into giant puddles and concrete floors. I’ve resigned myself to keeping only “old person” cell phones – the kind that have giant buttons and three features and the ability to take a beating. Cheap ones. Old ones.
I see ads for things like the iPhone and my mind is filled with terrifying images of me destroying every pretty little aspect of it, from the touch screen (a terrible idea for a phone or anything) to the sleek little casings.
And I realize that there will be no place for me in this new modern world. I have to stick to giant phones so I’m assured I won’t accidentally eat them with a bag of chips…I cannot imagine what terrible things would happen to a clear phone in my house.
I think once my contract expires, I’m going to try to downgrade again. These fancy shmancy incredibly expensive and breakable toys are not for me. No, I’ll definitely have to get one of these.
People nowadays seem obsessed with toys and games. I now know more people who can 5-star expert on Guitar Hero than can play 3 chords on a guitar, am friends with a man who battles for his life with foam swords on the weekend, and can myself frequently be found having tea with my teddy–I mean, ah, being awesome all the time at everything. but that’s unrelated.
Until recently, I never really thought there were grown people in the world too obsessed with toys.
He’s building his house of bricks…Lego bricks, to be specific.
Gravity defiance a plus
On the one hand, I’m puzzled. Can such a house hold up? Will he not be building it anywhere that might have earthquakes or some kid of powerful weather? Will he have a Lego basement? Will his house have more than one floor?
It’s a neat idea, but frankly, i find it more than a little strange that a full grown man is honestly considering living in a house of toys.
…Actually, you know what? If there’s a ballpit room in the house, I might just have to becoming that man’s new best friend my top priority. For that matter, forget the friend part, I’m just going to steal his house.
It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and in the past I’ve been accused of not picking on the mainstream enough, so here you go. I work at a factory these days, and at that factory there are three radio stations we rotate through: country, classic, and top 40.
Played most frequently these days on the “popular music” channel is the song “Gives You Hell,” by the All American Rejects. It is probably the most unintentionally hilarious song the station plays right now, lyrically at least. It couldn’t more obviously say the exact opposite of what it’s trying to. And it does so very, very pathetically.
I once knew a girl at my university. In the first conversation I ever had with her, she stated at least six times that she was very confident and self-assured. Her facebook was loaded with information about her, why she was awesome, and quotes like, “If you don’t wanna be my friend, YOU’RE the one missing out, and I won’t miss you!”
Charming.
The point is, for all that she went on and on about her own confidence, when it came down to it, she was probably the most timid person I’ve ever met. It’s called “overcompensation.” The more you talk about how confident you are, the clearer it is you’re just trying to fool everyone. People who are truly happy almost never talk about it.
But let’s dig in to the song at hand. First verse:
I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
Well, okay. That’s…that’s the whole verse. Well, it’s a pitifully short verse, but I’ll let that slide. The first stanza says the singer wakes up every day happy. Remember what I said about the girl who overcompensates?
Yeah, his next stanza insults her job. Nevermind the fact that a 9 to 5 job actually sounds pretty sweet to most people in this economy, myself included. How bad that tastes. Probably tastes like a reliable check, there Mr. What’s Audience Relatablilty?
But let’s move on to the stunning chorus:
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
That’s the desperate cry of someone who desperately wishes they were over their ex, but aren’t. It’s also the desperate cry of a 16-year-old who has yet to learn what “moving on graciously” means.
Verse two:
Now wheres you picket fence love
And wheres that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
I’m going to stop us right there. Rhyming “car” with “far”? Really? And again, equating money and possessions with happiness? I think Mr. Reject needs a priority check.
You’ve never seem so tense love
I’ve never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are
Yes, sure, she’s the one that’s tense. Not the guy who wrote a 5-verse song about how much he hopes his ex is miserable. That’s just the sign of a well-adjusted grownup.
…And why’s he observing his ex’s behavior? That’s a bit off.
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I’m lying
Whoah ho ho! A “PSYCH!” joke! I must have completely forgotten that it was 1995. “I miss you…NOT! Haha I got you!”
Poetry.
If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell
Grace.
Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where’d it all go wrong, the list goes on and on
And the list probably starts somewhere along the lines of “You’re as mature as a six-year-old and relatable as a cinder block.”
Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
Haha, yes. Yes yes yes. Honestly? This whole song is completely pathetic and does the opposite of what the singer obviously wanted. The title might as well be “Overcompensation for My Misery Oh God Come Back To Me”
It’s a whiny, shallow tantrum written by someone who’s probably never been in an adult relationship in his life.
What I’m saying is, stop trying to be Beyonce. All of you.
Some people, when they watch a commercial or movie or video clip, see a commercial, or a movie, or a video clip.
Others, however, see music. Weird, weird, techno music. I have to admire the effort and skill these people put into this eccentric hobby, so here are my top favorite video remixes on the internet.
#5 Kid After Dentist
If you haven’t seen the source video yet, it’s also hilarious. But this video…this video.
#4 Why is the Rum Gone?
This guy gets bonus points from me for using sound effects within the movie to make his opening rhythm. And using that fruity awesome run Captain Sparrow cuts so many times. Props to this one as well.
#3 They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!
I honestly wasn’t going to bring this one up because it is way ancient, but you know what? Like, three years have gone by and it still makes me laugh, every single time. Also, just try and watch the movie now without hearing this song whenever those lines pop up.
It’s not possible.
#2 Expialidocious
I love this one and I’ll never be able to understand why. I almost picked this video by the same artist, but I like the variety in “Expialidocious” and “Alice” gets more attention anyway.
#1 Rap Chop
I also promised myself that I wouldn’t show this one, because it’s already old but…man. The time this must have taken, between autotuning and re-creating the rythm…then syching up the video again. I’m sure there’s an easy way to do this and I’m overthinking, but on the odd chance that it’s as hard to make this as it looks like it was, it gets number 1.
Maybe next time you see a video, you’ll be able to look beyond into the techno possibilities.
I think the best part is the two skinny geek-looking guys singing so enthusiastically about the REEEED House! Or possibly the stunning performances by the actors. It’s like watching kids read cue-cards. “I am white. And the Red House. Is for me.”
If this isn’t fake, it’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen on this hallowed internet.
To celebrate the 4th of July – America’s Independence Day – I’ve assembled a list of my favorite firework videos that have been uploaded to the internet.
You know what makes great revenge? Scaring the crap out of someone holding a gun.
Yep, that’s a wholesome prank. But not quite as safety-conscious as the people who decided the best way to wake their friend up was to tie exploding firecrackers to his shoe…
I believe I’ve shown that one here before, though. Here’s one you may also be familiar with, but will never grow old. I don’t know what that family did to anger their dog, but his revenge proves most explosive:
Bad dog! Blew up our campsite! No treats! But there’s really no harm like harm done to one’s self.
My favorite part, the guy saying “It’s not stupid!” at the beginning, right before the star gets his crotch blown off.
I’m sorry for being absent, and I promise to explain myself soon. For now, stay out of the heat, enjoy your summery foods, have safe firework fun, and Happy 4th!
I know it’s been a while since I posted last, but in the last month I’ve graduated, moved, got my old temporary summer job back, started sending out resumes, and became a SUPER HERO TO DUCKS WORLDWIDE.
Let me tell you a tale, my friends. A tale of selfless heroism, cuteness beyond reason, and the threat of impending doom to my face.
As I’m sure you’re aware, summer is in full swing here in the Northern Hemisphere. This means, among other things, ducklings are beginning to pepper the land; wherever there are bodies of water, fluffy little bodies scamper.
The event in question occurred a few days after my graduation. I’d returned to campus with my friend K to help out at the school’s television station for the afternoon. At lunch break, we headed out of the building along the west side. Up against the side of the building, I noticed a lady mallard sitting with three fuzzy little babies at her side. I quickly drew K’s attention to the sight, but noticed something amiss.
The sound of baby ducks peeping filled the air, but not one of the three ducklings in view was making a sound. Where were the little cries coming from? From about seven other little duckies who were lost. They were blocked from the mother by a wall, thusly:
Oh dear!
As you may be able to decipher, the rest of the duck family was trapped in on a ledge where the mother had built her nest under a small decorative tree. It was a very clever place for a nest, but now the ducks could not find their mother on the other side of the four foot divider between the tree and the steps where she waited.
K and I sprang into action!
I immediately hopped the concrete divider into the mulched area where the ducklings were. They began scampering around frantically at the sight of me, and I was nearly overcome by the sheer cuteness of the sight.
I began scooping up the ducklings, one by one, and passing them over the wall to K, who stood beside mother duck and lowered them each down. The air was filled with the peeps of panicked ducklings, waddling around at top speed to avoid my grasp. Little did they know I was helping them; but I was not annoyed. How could you be upset with this:
D'awwww...
As much as K and I would have liked to pause a moment and cuddle the little rascals, there was no time. The Mama duck was getting nervous at our presence, and was slowly starting to edge away. We couldn’t let her go before all the ducklings were safely delivered to her side of the barrier!
Soon, with the power of TEAMWORK, we had every last baby mallard on the correct side of the divide. But mother had already decided to run away at top speed. In her haste she left behind a duckling, who in its frenzied panic, was running uselessly around in circles until she was out of sight around the corner.
Now began the duck chase.
I quickly snatched up the confused duckling and ran after the mother duck, calling after her to wait. Only in retrospect to I realize how incredibly stupid that sounds, as I sincerely doubt that duck could understand English. All the people on campus, however, could, and I can only imagine how retarded I looked chasing a duck across campus…with another duck.
When I caught up to the mother duck, she wheeled around defensively, and I saw my life flash before my eyes. She opened her beak in a threat and spread her wings. I knew I had but a brief moment to save my face from utter destruction, for in a moment I knew she would lunge for my delicate nose.
The face of doom.
I quickly tossed the fluffy baby onto the grass at her feet. Appeased, the mother duck lowered her wings and turned to go, ten yellow striped ducklings following her in a row.
I now almost wish I’d followed her to see where she was going – the nearest lake was in the opposite direction. But I’m sure she had it under control.
Now I don’t claim that this event has made me some kind of hero, or duck savior…but I’m pretty sure history will show that I totally was.
After spending time working in a restaurant, this story simply does not surprise me. It is, however, hilarious for a handful of reasons.
First, the fight broke out at a Waffle-House. Second, it’s because the customers wanted to pay for their food.
Third, a waffle was actually thrown aggressively. Fourth, I really can’t gather any more information from that article because it’s presented so weirdly. That article makes about as much sense as the alleged attack, frankly.
I know that I’ve been posting a lot of videos lately, but this one is special, it was made by me (and about twenty-three others)! Remember those trailers I showed you all back a while ago?
Well the movies those trailers were promoting is now available online, at Youtube (and hopefully, more sites soon)! It’s a full-length film, made entirely by student volunteers with free equipment provided by their university. It’s a romantic comedy with some fun characters and smart jokes, and I know you’ll get a kick out of it. Ladies and Gentlemen: Love Olympus!
That’s just part one. Check out the rest of them here! It’s altogether about 90 minutes long, so make time for it. And if you make it all the way through, do tell me what you think!
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