Today is the day! At last! The day where kids all over the world leap out of bed at the speed of sound and open their presents in a flurry of paper and ribbons. Merry Christmas!
…But you know what? All these new, hip, updated versions of all my favorite Christmas songs has made me come to realize just how outdated those songs are – their old-fashioned lyrics and messages simply don’t mesh with the sexy modern treatment Christmas has been receiving. I mean, peace and love to mankind? Love and magic and family togetherness? Yeah, okay, grandpa, now tell us about vinyl records and hoola hoops and president Truman and buffalo nickles and powdered wigs and the Great Serb Migrations.
Okay, grandpa, nice stick guitar can we play Rock Band now?
So on this special day, I’d like to suggest to the public at large a few minor changes to old traditionals that might just help bring them up to the twenty-first century, okay? Bear with me now.
1. Frosty the Snowman.
So. A magic hat makes a snowman come to life. He dances around with some kids and then leaves, promising to come back some day.
Don’t be sad, Frosty. You’re just obsolete.
Picture this: Frosty comes to life, and leads all the children thumpity-thump-thump all the way to Wendy’s for a tasty Frosty with french fries. See? Just a little product placement can really take it places. Genius, I know. You can have that one for free.
They even make them in vanilla now too, so that’s ok
2. Santa Claus is Coming to Khol’s.
You better not save,
You better come buy
You better not wait, I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to Khols
He’ll see you when you’ve reached him
After a giant, crowded wait
He’ll advertise our discount racks
So spend for goodness’ sake!
As if Claus hadn’t sold out already
…Now that one, that one’s not free. I accept paypal payments.
3. Silent Night.
With a little tweaking, this song becomes the sad tale of a man who’ll never turn to Verison again for his mobile phone needs. Round yon Virgin Mobile more like!
Radiant signal from thy satelite…”
The list is as endless as imagination itself. This, as we know, is the season for receiving, and I think that includes receiving ideas and subsequent royalties. Greensleeves? Or Spend some Greensleeves. Do you hear what I hear? Or, did you hear what he bought?
I hope this season finds you all in appropriate spirits. I know I am! Merry Christmas!