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Archive for November, 2009

A late return

Well! I’ve changed jobs recently, tacking a 45-minute commute onto my daily work schedule. And, while I’m sure you’ve been waiting on pins and needles for my return and perhaps have found yourselves frustrated, remember: at least I’m not these people.

Someone in Phoenix took out a pair of books and then moved out of the state. Rather than doing what most people would do and say, well, it looks like we got some free books, they decided to read them (apparently at one word a day) for 51 years. And then return them.

reading01
“Blue.”

Along with $1,000 to cover the fines.

If everyone were this honest, I imagine the world would be better. Or our libraries would all be empty for decades at a time. I only wish I knew what the books were.

I’m not talking about genetics attractive. I’m talking about behavior attractive. Sometimes all it takes is one mistake to turn a perfectly lovely person into an unattractive one. This article is here to help them, to help everyone, avoid these mistakes.

4. THE KISSY FACE.


It doesn’t work.


Not even in black and white.

a group
Not even in a group


Not even for a dude

This one has been done to DEATH. There are approximately one trillion web-pages out there cursing the name of this snap-shot phenomenon. Stop doing this, everyone who does this. It distorts your face and makes you look dumb. Nobody likes this. It’s not funny. It never works.

3. THE BOUQUET CATCHERS

Maybe this one is a little specific, but it’s true. When a person gets ready to go to a wedding, they generally dress nicely. Pick out their nicest clothes, their best shoes. They apply makeup carefully, do their hair just so. They want to make a nice impression, and also to respect the bride and groom.

Then, mysteriously, for a handful of minutes, this person who tried so hard to be presentable, devolves into a hulking, violent primate. I mean, catching the bouquet can be – and is, for most people – a fun tradition. But for some, it’s the most competitive sport they’ve ever known, and they will spoil it for everyone else.


Pictured: a bunch of sane women and three who have chosen used flowers over dignity

My advice: stop worrying about that bouquet. Don’t hulk out and start elbowing people like a football player- it doesn’t match your dress. If you really want to get married next, just ask someone, don’t rip a girl’s hair out over a second-hand bunch of flowers. Maybe you’re doing it to be funny, but it’s not, and it may end in tears.


Let’s tear it to pieces in a violent display of public self-respect!

2. FLIP-FLOP FORMALS

This one goes along with number 3. Flip-flop (or “thong”) sandals are perfectly fine for day-to-day use. I don’t prefer them, but they work as an ultra-casual shoe for most. So what is the point of people spending hours on their hair, faces, and clothes, just to skip the final step and throw on some lazy pair of flip-flops?

I mean, maybe if your wedding/dance/formal is at a beach, fine. But it doesn’t matter how much shiny metallic paint or plastic jewels they cover them in, a flip-flop is a flip-flop is a horrible way to complete a formal outfit.


No, no, no!

…And yes I know some people wear them because they’re more comfortable than formal shoes. Buy different formal shoes.

1. THE BRAGGART

These people are probably the worst, in that they think they’re actually doing their image a favor when really they’re making a fool out of themselves.

These people have to name the price tag of everything they wear. They’ll inform you of the worth of their purse collection even if you didn’t ask. They’ll tell you how much their sunglasses cost if you so much as look at them.

They’re the first to tell you they went to the best school, had the best professor, made the best life choices.

You like that chair? Oh, it’s a special antique, don’t sit too hard in it. You like that watch? Well, not everyone can afford one like it. By the time you’re done spending an evening with a braggart, you’ll know all about their awesome grades, jobs, clothes, family, even the thread count of their sheets. If you have an interesting story, don’t get too attached to the idea of finishing it. The braggart’s been everywhere you have, and did more while they were there.

All they’re doing is trying to impress you. What they’re really doing is providing you with a hilarious story once you get back to your friends. Never forget, kids, if your idea of impressing someone is listing a price, or name-dropping, you probably haven’t actually done enough stuff worth bragging about.

So always remember, beauty is as beauty does, and beauty does not dress up nicely only to wear flip-flops, make kissy faces, and brag about how adroitly they elbowed that bridesmaid in the face to catch the bundle of limp flowers (with their $500 elbow).

You’re all beautiful. Happy November.