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Archive for August, 2009

Visitor from Beyond…

Ghost Video! The tragic death of the King of Pop has been given quite a bit of airtime this summer. I’m honestly not surprised when I find out old MJ is still getting his face onscreen even now…

I’m not good at cellphones. I just am not. I’m mean to them, and I frequently keep them in pockets they apparently hate, judging by their constant attempts to jump out of them and into giant puddles and concrete floors. I’ve resigned myself to keeping only “old person” cell phones – the kind that have giant buttons and three features and the ability to take a beating. Cheap ones. Old ones.

I see ads for things like the iPhone and my mind is filled with terrifying images of me destroying every pretty little aspect of it, from the touch screen (a terrible idea for a phone or anything) to the sleek little casings.

So I see designs for phones like this one

And I realize that there will be no place for me in this new modern world. I have to stick to giant phones so I’m assured I won’t accidentally eat them with a bag of chips…I cannot imagine what terrible things would happen to a clear phone in my house.

I think once my contract expires, I’m going to try to downgrade again. These fancy shmancy incredibly expensive and breakable toys are not for me. No, I’ll definitely have to get one of these.

Building a House of Bricks

People nowadays seem obsessed with toys and games. I now know more people who can 5-star expert on Guitar Hero than can play 3 chords on a guitar, am friends with a man who battles for his life with foam swords on the weekend, and can myself frequently be found having tea with my teddy–I mean, ah, being awesome all the time at everything. but that’s unrelated.

Until recently, I never really thought there were grown people in the world too obsessed with toys.

Until I read about this guy.

He’s building his house of bricks…Lego bricks, to be specific.

Gravity defiance a plus

On the one hand, I’m puzzled. Can such a house hold up? Will he not be building it anywhere that might have earthquakes or some kid of powerful weather? Will he have a Lego basement? Will his house have more than one floor?

It’s a neat idea, but frankly, i find it more than a little strange that a full grown man is honestly considering living in a house of toys.

…Actually, you know what? If there’s a ballpit room in the house, I might just have to becoming that man’s new best friend my top priority. For that matter, forget the friend part, I’m just going to steal his house.

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and in the past I’ve been accused of not picking on the mainstream enough, so here you go. I work at a factory these days, and at that factory there are three radio stations we rotate through: country, classic, and top 40.

Played most frequently these days on the “popular music” channel is the song “Gives You Hell,” by the All American Rejects. It is probably the most unintentionally hilarious song the station plays right now, lyrically at least. It couldn’t more obviously say the exact opposite of what it’s trying to. And it does so very, very pathetically.

I once knew a girl at my university. In the first conversation I ever had with her, she stated at least six times that she was very confident and self-assured. Her facebook was loaded with information about her, why she was awesome, and quotes like, “If you don’t wanna be my friend, YOU’RE the one missing out, and I won’t miss you!”


The point is, for all that she went on and on about her own confidence, when it came down to it, she was probably the most timid person I’ve ever met. It’s called “overcompensation.” The more you talk about how confident you are, the clearer it is you’re just trying to fool everyone. People who are truly happy almost never talk about it.

But let’s dig in to the song at hand. First verse:

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

Well, okay. That’s…that’s the whole verse. Well, it’s a pitifully short verse, but I’ll let that slide. The first stanza says the singer wakes up every day happy. Remember what I said about the girl who overcompensates?

Yeah, his next stanza insults her job. Nevermind the fact that a 9 to 5 job actually sounds pretty sweet to most people in this economy, myself included. How bad that tastes. Probably tastes like a reliable check, there Mr. What’s Audience Relatablilty?

But let’s move on to the stunning chorus:

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

That’s the desperate cry of someone who desperately wishes they were over their ex, but aren’t. It’s also the desperate cry of a 16-year-old who has yet to learn what “moving on graciously” means.

Verse two:

Now wheres you picket fence love
And wheres that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

I’m going to stop us right there. Rhyming “car” with “far”? Really? And again, equating money and possessions with happiness? I think Mr. Reject needs a priority check.

You’ve never seem so tense love
I’ve never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are

Yes, sure, she’s the one that’s tense. Not the guy who wrote a 5-verse song about how much he hopes his ex is miserable. That’s just the sign of a well-adjusted grownup.

…And why’s he observing his ex’s behavior? That’s a bit off.

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I’m lying

Whoah ho ho! A “PSYCH!” joke! I must have completely forgotten that it was 1995. “I miss you…NOT! Haha I got you!”


If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell


Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where’d it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And the list probably starts somewhere along the lines of “You’re as mature as a six-year-old and relatable as a cinder block.”

Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

Haha, yes. Yes yes yes. Honestly? This whole song is completely pathetic and does the opposite of what the singer obviously wanted. The title might as well be “Overcompensation for My Misery Oh God Come Back To Me”

It’s a whiny, shallow tantrum written by someone who’s probably never been in an adult relationship in his life.

What I’m saying is, stop trying to be Beyonce. All of you.