I thought I might write a SNTC guide to Winter, just as I wrote the Summer Guide so many months ago, but I changed my mind. The Winter guide may arrive, but there’s really not a great deal to do in the winter but be cold and miserable. So, I thought instead it would be more appropriate to assemble a SNTC guide to Not Being Miserable, or in short, Being Happier.
Chapter 1: How To Make Yourself Happier with Internet
The internet is a big part of many people’s lives! Many people find themselves in the dumps this time of year; here’s how to change your internet habits to make yourself happier:
Step 1: Get off the internet.
Go on! Shoo! You’ll be glad you did!
…No? Not going? Well fine then.
Step 1b: Imagine everyone is being facetious
It’s very, very easy to get yourself worked up on the internet. This guy disses your favorite movie, this Facebook Group loves what you can’t stand, this website called your hero a jerk…it’s very stressful to be online these days. So here’s a nice tip for staying happy on the internet: it’s all fake.
this doesn’t have to be you
Say it to yourself. Nobody honestly believes that, say, a tiger is breaking God’s holy law. It’s all just a bunch of sillies being tongue-in-cheek about a fun story! Haha! Oh, that sarcastic humor.
It just makes you smile, doesn’t it. Don’t ever, even for a moment, imagine anyone means anything they say on the internet. It’s all just a big game, and the only way to win is to enjoy it all.
Step 2: Imagine Youtube Commentators are Charity Driven
Bear with me here. If you want the thickest, stupidest, most difficult to laugh about worthless trash on the internet, it’s to be found in the comments of Youtube. Grammar tossed aside, spelling trampled underfoot, common sense and decency do not exist.
Unless…imagine that, for every evil post you see on a Youtube comment page…that commentator donated $1,000 to charity. Sure, you sort of wish you could dig your hands through the very tubes of the internet and strangle some dumb kid who thinks the world wanted to read his garbage on Youtube…but then, if you allow yourself to believe that, immediately after posting that, he donated a grand to a worthy charity…it’s hard to stay mad. Sure, he might be a classifiable idiot, but at least he’s doing good where it counts, you know?
Just try it. Your blood pressure will thank you.*
Step 3: Stop Reading the News
Just…don’t. The internet doesn’t check its sources, the internet doesn’t care if it’s sensational. Just don’t even bother, okay?
Step 4: Stop Commenting
If you find yourself unable to complete the previous steps and are ready to fly into a desperate rage at *~~S4ss33grrl~~* for her horrible and close-minded criticism of whatever the heck you read/look at on this wide internet, don’t. Get up, make a sandwich, come back, and navigate away.
If you must, go back and read SNTC’s 5 Reasons Why Intelligent Debate is Impossible on the Internet. You won’t win. There is no win. Not here. Not on the internet.
Step 5: Keep that Safety Filter On
This is the final step for this chapter, and one you probably already know. When you google image search, keep the safety filter on.
Do you read fanboys, by the way? You should.
I know you’re only searching for pictures of lolcats or a silly comic or a movie poster. I know you’re not wanting to defile your mind. So just…keep it on.
Keep it on!
Tune in next time for Chapter 2 of SNTC’s indispensable Guide to Being Happier…
*Alternatively, next time you feel like commenting on Youtube (or anywhere), donate to charity instead. Make the myth come true.