Today is the day! At last! The day where kids all over the world leap out of bed at the speed of sound and open their presents in a flurry of paper and ribbons. Merry Christmas!

…But you know what? All these new, hip, updated versions of all my favorite Christmas songs has made me come to realize just how outdated those songs are – their old-fashioned lyrics and messages simply don’t mesh with the sexy modern treatment Christmas has been receiving. I mean, peace and love to mankind? Love and magic and family togetherness? Yeah, okay, grandpa, now tell us about vinyl records and hoola hoops and president Truman and buffalo nickles and powdered wigs and the Great Serb Migrations.

Okay, grandpa, nice stick guitar can we play Rock Band now?

So on this special day, I’d like to suggest to the public at large a few minor changes to old traditionals that might just help bring them up to the twenty-first century, okay? Bear with me now.

1. Frosty the Snowman.

So. A magic hat makes a snowman come to life. He dances around with some kids and then leaves, promising to come back some day.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwnnn.

Don’t be sad, Frosty. You’re just obsolete.

Picture this: Frosty comes to life, and leads all the children thumpity-thump-thump all the way to Wendy’s for a tasty Frosty with french fries. See? Just a little product placement can really take it places. Genius, I know. You can have that one for free.

They even make them in vanilla now too, so that’s ok

2. Santa Claus is Coming to Khol’s.

You better not save,
You better come buy
You better not wait, I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to Khols

He’ll see you when you’ve reached him
After a giant, crowded wait
He’ll advertise our discount racks
So spend for goodness’ sake!

As if Claus hadn’t sold out already

…Now that one, that one’s not free. I accept paypal payments.

3. Silent Night.

With a little tweaking, this song becomes the sad tale of a man who’ll never turn to Verison again for his mobile phone needs. Round yon Virgin Mobile more like!

Radiant signal from thy satelite…”

The list is as endless as imagination itself. This, as we know, is the season for receiving, and I think that includes receiving ideas and subsequent royalties. Greensleeves? Or Spend some Greensleeves. Do you hear what I hear? Or, did you hear what he bought?

I hope this season finds you all in appropriate spirits. I know I am! Merry Christmas!

Christmas is coming. To tide you good children over until then, here is an educational pre-inactment of what historians will see looking back on twentieth century pop culture.

Also, I’m pretty sure I just invented the word “pre-inactment” so nobody use it, it’s mine.

Well! I’ve changed jobs recently, tacking a 45-minute commute onto my daily work schedule. And, while I’m sure you’ve been waiting on pins and needles for my return and perhaps have found yourselves frustrated, remember: at least I’m not these people.

Someone in Phoenix took out a pair of books and then moved out of the state. Rather than doing what most people would do and say, well, it looks like we got some free books, they decided to read them (apparently at one word a day) for 51 years. And then return them.

“Blue.”

Along with $1,000 to cover the fines.

If everyone were this honest, I imagine the world would be better. Or our libraries would all be empty for decades at a time. I only wish I knew what the books were.

I’m not talking about genetics attractive. I’m talking about behavior attractive. Sometimes all it takes is one mistake to turn a perfectly lovely person into an unattractive one. This article is here to help them, to help everyone, avoid these mistakes.

4. THE KISSY FACE.

It doesn’t work.

Not even in black and white.

Not even in a group

Not even for a dude

This one has been done to DEATH. There are approximately one trillion web-pages out there cursing the name of this snap-shot phenomenon. Stop doing this, everyone who does this. It distorts your face and makes you look dumb. Nobody likes this. It’s not funny. It never works.

3. THE BOUQUET CATCHERS

Maybe this one is a little specific, but it’s true. When a person gets ready to go to a wedding, they generally dress nicely. Pick out their nicest clothes, their best shoes. They apply makeup carefully, do their hair just so. They want to make a nice impression, and also to respect the bride and groom.

Then, mysteriously, for a handful of minutes, this person who tried so hard to be presentable, devolves into a hulking, violent primate. I mean, catching the bouquet can be – and is, for most people – a fun tradition. But for some, it’s the most competitive sport they’ve ever known, and they will spoil it for everyone else.

Pictured: a bunch of sane women and three who have chosen used flowers over dignity

My advice: stop worrying about that bouquet. Don’t hulk out and start elbowing people like a football player- it doesn’t match your dress. If you really want to get married next, just ask someone, don’t rip a girl’s hair out over a second-hand bunch of flowers. Maybe you’re doing it to be funny, but it’s not, and it may end in tears.

Let’s tear it to pieces in a violent display of public self-respect!

2. FLIP-FLOP FORMALS

This one goes along with number 3. Flip-flop (or “thong”) sandals are perfectly fine for day-to-day use. I don’t prefer them, but they work as an ultra-casual shoe for most. So what is the point of people spending hours on their hair, faces, and clothes, just to skip the final step and throw on some lazy pair of flip-flops?

I mean, maybe if your wedding/dance/formal is at a beach, fine. But it doesn’t matter how much shiny metallic paint or plastic jewels they cover them in, a flip-flop is a flip-flop is a horrible way to complete a formal outfit.

No, no, no!

…And yes I know some people wear them because they’re more comfortable than formal shoes. Buy different formal shoes.

1. THE BRAGGART

These people are probably the worst, in that they think they’re actually doing their image a favor when really they’re making a fool out of themselves.

These people have to name the price tag of everything they wear. They’ll inform you of the worth of their purse collection even if you didn’t ask. They’ll tell you how much their sunglasses cost if you so much as look at them.

They’re the first to tell you they went to the best school, had the best professor, made the best life choices.

You like that chair? Oh, it’s a special antique, don’t sit too hard in it. You like that watch? Well, not everyone can afford one like it. By the time you’re done spending an evening with a braggart, you’ll know all about their awesome grades, jobs, clothes, family, even the thread count of their sheets. If you have an interesting story, don’t get too attached to the idea of finishing it. The braggart’s been everywhere you have, and did more while they were there.

All they’re doing is trying to impress you. What they’re really doing is providing you with a hilarious story once you get back to your friends. Never forget, kids, if your idea of impressing someone is listing a price, or name-dropping, you probably haven’t actually done enough stuff worth bragging about.

So always remember, beauty is as beauty does, and beauty does not dress up nicely only to wear flip-flops, make kissy faces, and brag about how adroitly they elbowed that bridesmaid in the face to catch the bundle of limp flowers (with their $500 elbow).

You’re all beautiful. Happy November.

I personally love stories about old people being super. It’s just a comfort to know that no matter how old you get, you can still be rock on awesome. Like that 72-year-old guy who beat up his knife-wielding attacker in June. Best quote of the article:

McCalium threw the knife towards Mr Corti but the former Royal Engineer dodged the blade and then punched him.

Or the 78-year-old bank teller who put on her angry voice to kick a bank robber out of the building.

But I’ve never heard a story quite as amazing as this.

A family sits in a hotel room, enjoying their evening, when an armed man bursts in and demands all their money. The thief shoves his gun in their faces and the younger members of the family begin to obey, when the grandmother pulls out a gun and – no crap – shoots him dead.

Why don't you ever wriiiiiiiiiite??

This must have been the biggest surprise (at the very least it was the last surprise) of the bad guy’s life. He thought he had it in the bag, the door was literally open for him. “Everybody knows what the game is here,” he said, the smugness in his voice probably tangible. “I want your money and I want your jewelry…”

So next time your grandmother offers you a butterscotch candy, accept it and be glad it’s not a bullet. And please remember to always, always respect your elders. They might just kick your butt.

Hey! My internet has been disconnected for a while now, but it’s all up and running after some work by the repairman. Hello again, let’s stay together this time. I want to kick off my newly-returned time on the ‘net with something impossible to load on the dial-up of my friends’: a video.

Somehow it’s both comforting and depressing to know, that no matter how hard I try or what skills I learn, I will never ever match the coolness of this man:

I’m as easily impressed as the next person – that is to say, not very – and XTREME anything tends to put me to sleep anymore, but…dang. This guy.

SayNoToCrack has featured funny old ads before, but this batch is a little different. While the world was still advertising cigarettes, tape worms, and spousal abuse in its popular magazines, what kind of marketing was there for the babies?

Terrifying marketing, that’s what kind.

Babies are belligerent, messy, loud, and incoherent on the best day. Who in heck decided thought giving them a sugary soda would be a good idea?

Surely there must be something better for kids than…

…Oh. Well now that’s just a terrible idea. I can’t believe people used to give their babies alcohol. I just hope they kept the kids away from anything harmful while they were intoxicated!

Oh come on. How is a horrifying, probably-wasted baby going to sell any razors? Did people apply to marketing teams way back when? Or did the world just hate babies?

Apparently so! Hey, ladies! Here’s a tanning light! We promise it won’t burn you – just test it out on your brand new baby.

…actually, you know what? If this is what babies looked like 50+ years ago, it’s no wonder parents were trying to cook them and drink them to death. That thing is terrifying.

You know what? Babies are terrifying. What is their deal. They’ve probably been messed up ever since the first person decided to give them caffeine and alcohol.

…So remember. Don’t cook your babies or give them drugs or let them near razors or do anything else the ’50s tell you to.

Back a few years ago a game called Guitar Hero was released and thousands of music hipsters and video game nerds united to the sound of tiny plastic guitar buttons clicking away.

Since then, the company that created the game, Harmonix, has split away and invented Rock Band, which is the same, but with a whole band. Red Octane, the group Harmonix left, kept making Guitar Hero until they realize Harmonix was onto something and made their own band game, still called Guitar Hero which is a little unfair to everyone else but whatever.

I know this is the part where I tell a joke, but I think the joke speaks for itself. Guitar Hero was given the music and likeness of a load of famous and/or influential musicians for the game Guitar Hero 5 this year, including but not limited to Kurt Cobain, Johnny Cash, and Carlos Santana. Basically, you get to play as these people, or characters you invent. Or as your X-box “avatar” which is a huge-headed weird little cartoon guy. You can mix and match characters, instruments, and even play as the same character more than once (to create, for instance, an entire band of Johnny Cash).

Rock Band was given the rights to the music and likenesses of the Beatles. They made The Beatles Rock Band, a stand-alone game based entirely on the story of the Beatles. You play as the Beatles. You cannot mix and match their instruments, nor even their venues or costumes.

Here’s a fun video of Guitar Hero 5:

Guitar Hero says: you’re giving us the likeness of a load of famous and influential artists? let’s mix and match their songs and instruments and characters! Surely that’s not disrespectful enough to get their bands, fans, and loved ones incredibly angry with us.

But then…

Rock Band says: you’re giving us the likenesses and music of one of the most famous and influential bands? okay. We’re telling their story, with their music and instruments, their imagery, and with the total supervision of the band and their loved ones. And it’s going to be amazing.

…and it’s totally amazing. I just find it highly entertaining when two titans meet this way, having taken such different paths to get to this point, and seeing what kind of mentality toward art proves the most effective.

I’m sick you guys. I don’t know if it’s the swine flu or what; I’ve got no insurance right now so I’m just hanging out here with my grapefruit, thinking about health. Grapefruit grapefruit.

So I’m wondering what new sizes my lymph nodes will swell to next, and wandering around the internet. I got stuck for a couple hours in SuperBad without realizing it, but eventually I got out and into more proper regions of the ‘net.

and then I found this.

What is this? Did I make it up? I half expect to come back to this video tomorrow and find it’s a how-to for paper plane creation or something, because wow. It’s so weird.

Isn’t it weird, grapefruit

Ghost Video! The tragic death of the King of Pop has been given quite a bit of airtime this summer. I’m honestly not surprised when I find out old MJ is still getting his face onscreen even now…