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Pick Your Winner!

Post your favorite __ walked into a ___ joke’s number in the comment section!

Submissions by MG:

1. A pimple walks into a diner. The waiter/waitress asks-”what’ll ya have?” The pimple says-”a pop.”

2. an egg walks into a chicken farm. The egg says-”where have I seen this before?!”

3. a black widow slinks into a combo insect/arachnid diner. The waiter says: “we don’t serve your kind in here!” Black widow: “You know what? You kinda remind me of my ex husband.”
Waiter: what’ll you have?!

Submitted by thisbobandbill

4. A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, “What’ll you have?”

The duck says, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender spits and says “We don’t have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!”
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, irritated, says, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!”

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. “I told you two times we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: “Got any nails?”

The bartender, puzzled, said “No.”

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, “Got any pickles?”

5. Three men walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Submitted by Melody:

6. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

7. A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle. A guy says to him “Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you’ll fly right back in. Watch.” So the man in the bar le aps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room. The other man says “WOW! I want to try!” So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground. The bartender says to the first man, “Geeze Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”

Submitted by Rman:

8. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Submitted by CheeseDuck:

9. So a baby seal walks into a club…

Submitted by Drea:

10. A whale walks into a bar and sits down next to another whale. They sit in silence, watching the game for awhile. The first whale then turns to the second whale and asks:
“Do you know what the score is?”
The second whale looks at him in astonishment and says: “Holy Crap, a talking whale!”

I’ve heard a similar joke, but mine involved talking muffins.

Submission by Lonnie:

11. Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender “Gimme a drink”…

The bartender says “hey, we don’t serve animals in here”…

The bear says “gimme a drink or I’ll eat this woman right here”…

The bartender still refuses, and the bear eats the woman right up. “Gimme a drink, now”, he says.

The bartender, steadfast, says “we don’t serve animals, and we certainly don’t serve animals on drugs.”

The bear seems taken aback, “on drugs?”

The bartender: “Well, that was a bar bitch you ate”…

(read the last line out loud if you don’t get it)…

Bonus points for the pun, points lost for TV appropriate curse and the necessity to explain.

12. Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind.”

“Why not, I’m a fun guy?”

13. Horse walks into a bar, bartender says “why the long face?”

Lonnie hears a request for “fresh meat” and delivers “dead horse” with that last one…

Submitted by Pancake:

14. So a blind guy walks into a bookstore, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs, and begins swinging him around in circles. The store clerk runs up to him and shouts “What are you doing?!” The blind guy says “Just having a look around.”

Finally, a disqualified but funny submission Flüge USA:

What does an Englishman do, after he won Fifa Soccer World Cup? He turns of his Playstation:)

I don’t think you quite read the instructions there, sir. That’s a “What does a ___ do when ____?” joke. Maybe that’ll be our next contest, but this one is just for people walking into places ;).

24 Responses to “Pick Your Winner!”

  1. on 26 Jun 2008 at 6:20 pm ardie

    6

  2. on 26 Jun 2008 at 7:07 pm Queen Rosebud

    gotta go for number 10, the talking whale!

    though my runner up would be 11, the bar bitch you ate

  3. on 26 Jun 2008 at 7:18 pm Sam

    Definitely #4, the red-herring duck always gets me. I think, “I can’t figure out where this is going; what do pickles have to do with a duck?”

  4. on 27 Jun 2008 at 11:37 am Aaron C

    Gotta vote for #14, since #11 did lose points for having to explain the joke…usually takes away from the humor if you do that in person. REALLY funny though…

  5. on 27 Jun 2008 at 12:12 pm Lonnie

    If forced to vote for somebody’s other than mine, I’ll take #9…and old favorite of mine…

  6. on 27 Jun 2008 at 1:51 pm Finicky Penguin

    #9.

  7. on 27 Jun 2008 at 5:27 pm Dwonis

    #9

  8. on 28 Jun 2008 at 3:09 pm tuym2deesco

    lol, haha

    i thougght some were cheesy, the, why the long face one was old.

    I liked numbers 5,6,9,and 14

    also, I’m suprised nobody said this one:

    “A man walked into a bar, ouch”

  9. on 28 Jun 2008 at 3:11 pm tuym2deesco

    im gonna go with 5

  10. on 28 Jun 2008 at 8:17 pm CheeseDuck

    I’m gonna have to go with #14.

  11. on 28 Jun 2008 at 8:38 pm CheeseDuck

    No one said “A man walked into a bar, ouch” because Miss Sexy Say No To Crack Author Person already said it in the previous post.

  12. on 28 Jun 2008 at 10:20 pm Karen

    Oh, please. You can call me simply Karen sexy say no to crack author person

  13. on 29 Jun 2008 at 7:04 am sarahenity

    yeah i gotta go for 6

  14. on 29 Jun 2008 at 7:23 pm Jeff

    4, no question.
    8 is REALLY old and I just don’t get 9.

  15. on 29 Jun 2008 at 8:34 pm Nikki

    7, 9, and 14

  16. on 29 Jun 2008 at 11:12 pm Alex

    4

  17. on 30 Jun 2008 at 10:57 am Joe

    to follow up on this one…

    12. Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind.”

    “Why not, I’m a fun guy?”

    NEW JOKE

    Why’d the fun guy leave the party??? There wasn’t mushroom. :)

  18. on 30 Jun 2008 at 10:58 am Joe

    By the way, I like 7 and 12.

  19. on 01 Jul 2008 at 2:58 pm MG

    I really like #8. Its simple, and funny. Like a Steven Wrightish kind of joke! 10 is kinda funny too.

  20. on 08 Jul 2008 at 1:11 am Alice Gold

    I am loving this..I think I shall link.

  21. on 19 Jul 2008 at 4:04 pm New

    A lady holding a baby walks into a bus and, as she’s paying the fare, the busdriver says, “Holy crap! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

    The lady, dumbstruck and furious, doesn’t respond. She just walks to the back and takes a seat.

    Then she turns to the guy next to her and says, “The bus driver just insulted me.”

    The man replies, “There’s absolutely no call for that. You should go up there and tell him off right now. Here, I’ll hold your monkey.”

  22. on 19 Jul 2008 at 4:13 pm Scented

    A kid walks into the kitchen and sits down at the breakfast table next to his younger brother. His mom asks him what he would like for breakfast.

    He replies, “I want some f@#*ing waffles!”

    His mother and father, both shocked and enraged by this affront, begin to smack him and rain down blows upon his head with various small appliances as punishment.

    Finally, the mother composes herself, turns to the younger brother and asks him what he wants for breakfast. To which he replies, “I’m not sure. But I know I don’t want the f@#*ing waffles!”

  23. on 19 Jul 2008 at 4:35 pm Scented

    A guy walks into a night club that’s playing extremely loud dance music. He immediately finds an attractive girl and says, “Can I ask you to dance?”

    She says, “No way! I don’t even like this song, and if I did, I still wouldn’t dance with a toad like you!”

    To which the guy replies, “I don’t think you heard me correctly, I said ‘You look fat in those pants’.”

  24. on 14 Sep 2010 at 7:28 pm Scented Soy Candles

    I will go with #9 and #14

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