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Joke contest!

A ____ walks into a _____…

It’s about time we got some fresh meat when it comes to “So a thing walks into another thing…” jokes. I mean, we’ve all heard the same tired six jokes and they almost always begin with some religious figures entering an establishment that sells alcohol.

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So: in way similar to the caption contests we host here now and again, I want us to have a joke contest. You guys submit your very best “Person walks into a Place” jokes, and then I’ll compile them for you to vote on, and the winner feels good and gets a lot of people sharing their joke!

It can be an obscure joke, it can be an original joke, just so long as it is:

  • Clean – seriously. It’s a clean humor website, dirty jokes won’t make it through.
  • Funny – though that’s for the readers to decide I guess.

Go hog wild! Here are a few of my personal favorites:

A man walked into a bar. It hurt.

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks, “Do you sell flip-flips?”

A rope tries to enter a bar but sees that the owners won’t serve ropes. He ties himself into a bow and tears at his ends and enters.
“Say,” said the bartender, “Aren’t you a rope?”
“No,” said the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

A woman walks into a library and approaches the counter.
“I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please,” she says.
The librarian looks at her confusedly and says, “Ma’am, this is a library.”
“Oh!” cries the woman, embarrased. “I’m sorry.”
She then whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please.”

I’m looking forward to yours!

19 Responses to “Joke contest!”

  1. on 24 Jun 2008 at 1:13 am MG

    A pimple walks into a diner. The waiter/waitress asks-“what’ll ya have?” The pimple says-“a pop.”

    an egg walks into a chicken farm. The egg says-“where have I seen this before?!”

    a black widow slinks into a combo insect/arachnid diner. The waiter says: “we don’t serve your kind in here!” Black widow: “You know what? You kinda remind me of my ex husband.”
    Waiter: what’ll you have?!

  2. on 24 Jun 2008 at 3:10 am bobandbill

    I offer two jokes of questionable hilarity – one short, the other long.

    A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, “What’ll you have?”

    The duck says, “Got any pickles?”

    The bartender spits and says “We don’t have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!”
    The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

    The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any pickles?”

    The bartender, irritated, says, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!”

    The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

    The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: “Got any pickles?”

    The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. “I told you two times we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”

    With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

    The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: “Got any nails?”

    The bartender, puzzled, said “No.”

    The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, “Got any pickles?”

    AND:

    Three men walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

  3. on 24 Jun 2008 at 11:24 am Melody

    An Irishman walks out of a bar.

    A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle. A guy says to him “Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you’ll fly right back in. Watch.” So the man in the bar le aps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room. The other man says “WOW! I want to try!” So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground. The bartender says to the first man, “Geeze Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”

  4. on 25 Jun 2008 at 12:31 am Rman

    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

  5. on 25 Jun 2008 at 1:37 pm CheeseDuck

    So a baby seal walks into a club…

  6. on 25 Jun 2008 at 9:43 pm diogenes

    good one Rman.

    bobandbill: odd one. made me inquizitivly snort through my throat and snout- at the same time.

    melody: good, except the punch needs a little re-aranging(sp?) to better the beat.

    MG: I can see you run these off quick-while a little tap dance flare occurs between.

    To, No To Crack:
    sorry, I aint got nothin, just wanted to see what -was- so far.

  7. on 25 Jun 2008 at 10:05 pm diogenes

    p.s. Cheeseduck: I totally overlooked that one. sick and funny, and I think I heard it once but how do you pull that one off — roll eyes, say “ah.. er..um” smirk?

  8. on 25 Jun 2008 at 11:11 pm Drea

    A whale walks into a bar and sits down next to another whale. They sit in silence, watching the game for awhile. The first whale then turns to the second whale and asks:
    “Do you know what the score is?”
    The second whale looks at him in astonishment and says: “Holy Crap, a talking whale!”

  9. on 25 Jun 2008 at 11:58 pm Lonnie

    – warning, slightly off color, but only slightly –
    Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender “Gimme a drink”…

    The bartender says “hey, we don’t serve animals in here”…

    The bear says “gimme a drink or I’ll eat this woman right here”…

    The bartender still refuses, and the bear eats the woman right up. “Gimme a drink, now”, he says.

    The bartender, steadfast, says “we don’t serve animals, and we certainly don’t serve animals on drugs.”

    The bear seems taken aback, “on drugs?”

    The bartender: “Well, that was a bar bitch you ate”…

    (read the last line out loud if you don’t get it)…

  10. on 25 Jun 2008 at 11:59 pm Lonnie

    And another one…

    Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind.”

    “Why not, I’m a fun guy?”

  11. on 25 Jun 2008 at 11:59 pm Lonnie

    Horse walks into a bar, bartender says “why the long face?”

  12. on 26 Jun 2008 at 2:47 am Pancake

    So a blind guy walks into a bookstore, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs, and begins swinging him around in circles. The store clerk runs up to him and shouts “What are you doing?!” The blind guy says “Just having a look around.”

  13. on 26 Jun 2008 at 10:48 am Flüge USA

    What does an Englishman do, after he won Fifa Soccer World Cup? He turns of his Playstation:)

  14. on 26 Jun 2008 at 12:25 pm diesel

    I had a dream last night that you had retired this site. I couldn’t remember if it was a dream or not. So I just had to check.

    Carry on.

  15. on 28 Jun 2008 at 7:45 am Fumbata

    I know I’m late, but I just saw this post and couldn’t resist adding my favorite joke:

    A pirate walks into a bar. He has a a huge ship’s wheel (the steering wheel on a ship) stuffed into his pants – it’s sticking out on all ends. The bartender takes one look at him and says, “My god, that must be uncomfortable!” The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it be drivin’ me nuts!”

  16. on 01 Jul 2008 at 2:34 pm Circa Bellum

    A dog limps into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw!”

    A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Sorry,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve food in here.”

  17. on 03 Jul 2008 at 8:07 am Jon

    A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper asks “You have a drink named Seymour?”

    Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second guy would’ve ducked.

    An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers to be served at once. He drinks them, leaves, and comes back the next day and the next ordering the same three beers until the bartender gets curious. The Irishman explains that he’s a triplet and he and his brothers all live separately from each other, but promised to drink together everyday, so one beer was for him, while the other two were for his brothers.

    This went on for years until one day he only ordered two beers. The bar, where everyone knew him by now, suddenly fell silent.

    As he was drinking his beers the bartender approached and offered his condolences over the man’s apparently deceased brother.

    “My brothers are both fine,” he said, “I’m the one who’s quit drinking.”

  18. on 09 Jul 2008 at 8:40 pm Cori

    I know the contest is long over, but here are a couple amusing ones anyway.

    -Descartes walks into a bar and buys a drink. When he finishes the drink the bartender asks if he’d like another. He replies, “I think not.” And disappears.

    -Three blind mice walk into a bar. But to find humor in that statement would be exploitative.

  19. on 30 Aug 2008 at 1:43 pm Managed Hosting

    Hi mate , great post ! I would like to subscribe to your blog, please tell me where can i subscribe. Thanks !

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