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Archive for June, 2008

Pick Your Winner!

Post your favorite __ walked into a ___ joke’s number in the comment section!

Submissions by MG:

1. A pimple walks into a diner. The waiter/waitress asks-”what’ll ya have?” The pimple says-”a pop.”

2. an egg walks into a chicken farm. The egg says-”where have I seen this before?!”

3. a black widow slinks into a combo insect/arachnid diner. The waiter says: “we don’t serve your kind in here!” Black widow: “You know what? You kinda remind me of my ex husband.”
Waiter: what’ll you have?!

Submitted by thisbobandbill

4. A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, “What’ll you have?”

The duck says, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender spits and says “We don’t have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!”
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, irritated, says, “I told you yesterday we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!”

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: “Got any pickles?”

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. “I told you two times we don’t serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!”

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: “Got any nails?”

The bartender, puzzled, said “No.”

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, “Got any pickles?”

5. Three men walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Submitted by Melody:

6. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

7. A guy walks into a bar in the top of the Space Needle. A guy says to him “Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you’ll fly right back in. Watch.” So the man in the bar le aps out the window and what he says happens. He spins around and falls back in the room. The other man says “WOW! I want to try!” So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground. The bartender says to the first man, “Geeze Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”

Submitted by Rman:

8. A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Submitted by CheeseDuck:

9. So a baby seal walks into a club…

Submitted by Drea:

10. A whale walks into a bar and sits down next to another whale. They sit in silence, watching the game for awhile. The first whale then turns to the second whale and asks:
“Do you know what the score is?”
The second whale looks at him in astonishment and says: “Holy Crap, a talking whale!”

I’ve heard a similar joke, but mine involved talking muffins.

Submission by Lonnie:

11. Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender “Gimme a drink”…

The bartender says “hey, we don’t serve animals in here”…

The bear says “gimme a drink or I’ll eat this woman right here”…

The bartender still refuses, and the bear eats the woman right up. “Gimme a drink, now”, he says.

The bartender, steadfast, says “we don’t serve animals, and we certainly don’t serve animals on drugs.”

The bear seems taken aback, “on drugs?”

The bartender: “Well, that was a bar bitch you ate”…

(read the last line out loud if you don’t get it)…

Bonus points for the pun, points lost for TV appropriate curse and the necessity to explain.

12. Mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind.”

“Why not, I’m a fun guy?”

13. Horse walks into a bar, bartender says “why the long face?”

Lonnie hears a request for “fresh meat” and delivers “dead horse” with that last one…

Submitted by Pancake:

14. So a blind guy walks into a bookstore, picks up his guide dog by the hind legs, and begins swinging him around in circles. The store clerk runs up to him and shouts “What are you doing?!” The blind guy says “Just having a look around.”

Finally, a disqualified but funny submission Flüge USA:

What does an Englishman do, after he won Fifa Soccer World Cup? He turns of his Playstation:)

I don’t think you quite read the instructions there, sir. That’s a “What does a ___ do when ____?” joke. Maybe that’ll be our next contest, but this one is just for people walking into places ;).

Joke contest!

A ____ walks into a _____…

It’s about time we got some fresh meat when it comes to “So a thing walks into another thing…” jokes. I mean, we’ve all heard the same tired six jokes and they almost always begin with some religious figures entering an establishment that sells alcohol.

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So: in way similar to the caption contests we host here now and again, I want us to have a joke contest. You guys submit your very best “Person walks into a Place” jokes, and then I’ll compile them for you to vote on, and the winner feels good and gets a lot of people sharing their joke!

It can be an obscure joke, it can be an original joke, just so long as it is:

  • Clean – seriously. It’s a clean humor website, dirty jokes won’t make it through.
  • Funny – though that’s for the readers to decide I guess.

Go hog wild! Here are a few of my personal favorites:

A man walked into a bar. It hurt.

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks, “Do you sell flip-flips?”

A rope tries to enter a bar but sees that the owners won’t serve ropes. He ties himself into a bow and tears at his ends and enters.
“Say,” said the bartender, “Aren’t you a rope?”
“No,” said the rope. “I’m a frayed knot.”

A woman walks into a library and approaches the counter.
“I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please,” she says.
The librarian looks at her confusedly and says, “Ma’am, this is a library.”
“Oh!” cries the woman, embarrased. “I’m sorry.”
She then whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, a large fries, and a coke please.”

I’m looking forward to yours!

Old News, New News

So! After all the music criticism I’ve done, I’ve received at least three whole requests for me to complement some music. Now, I called Iron Maiden awesome in passing but I guess that’s just not good enough.

I like Coldplay. Specifically, I like their new album. If you don’t mind the simpler, abstracter (holy cow that’s a word) kind of music style employed by Coldplay and Coldplay-like bands (I admit it’s not for everybody), I recommend you purchase this album. If you liked Rush of Blood to the Head or simply know their few hits and were intrigued…if X&Y was a miss for you and you thought they’d maybe lost it, this is a Good Album. It’s simple but technically sound, it’s abstract but thematically intriguing, and it’s a real live example of a band maturing as musicians and expanding their horizons, and I appreciate growth in artists. That’s why I didn’t write off X&Y like a lot of my pals did; it showed Coldplay trying new things, and they did hit it right a few times.

Viva La Vida (the new album) does all the new things X&Y tried but does them right, and it gets back in touch with the honesty and simplicity in their earlier stuff.

So there. Nothing is linked up there so you don’t think I’m spamming. And that’s a good reason why I stay away from praise, it sounds too salesman like. Plus it’s not nearly as funny, is it? I bet not one of you is going to comment me a hateful lashing for my biased, unresearched ignorance!

And so! To change the subject! Mr. T. and miracles!

mrt.jpg

I mentioned a while back that I share a birthday with Mr. T. I recently received this link, which is very old news.

But, for all of you haven’t heard this thoroughly remarkable story, a kid fell suddenly into a coma, once upon a time. He remained this way for some time, and his family was very concerned. The only thing that would get the kid to respond in any way, mentally or physically, was mentioning Mr. T. So, when the man himself was in town, he went ahead and stopped by.

And…you know where this is going, right? Mr. T. brought the kid out of his coma. He pitied the fool out of a coma.

This should be known by everyone. Spread the word.

Overkill

I am amazed by this.

But I can’t help but wonder if a few of those initial steps might have been skip-able.


Learn how to draw at 5min.com

But hey, can’t argue with results.

Misunderstood Song #5

And this one. This one had to be done.

Misunderstood Song #5: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds

What People Think: It’s based on a picture John Lennon’s son drew of his classmate Lucy (in the sky with diamonds).

The Truth: I know it’s a frequently-denied, controversial topic, but this song for me will forever be about drugs.

I’ll buy that maybe a kid drew a picture. I’ll even buy that he made it about Lucy in a sky of diamonds. But I won’t believe that nobody noticed the LSD thing. I know the Beatles all deny it vehemently, but I won’t believe that there’s just no trace of drug in this song.

I mean, I’ve never done a single illegal drug in my life, or even seen one, and I’m able to pick up on the druggyness of this song.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she’s gone.

Cellophane and kaleidoscopes and slowed down time?

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.

And I know you’ve heard this song, and how very heaavily “high” is emphasized there. They can’t not have known. They can’t not have known. Every kid who bought the album and ran home to listen recognized it right away.

lucy.jpg
Sure. This is completely sober.

It’s not not about drugs. The people who think drugs had nothing to do with it and it was all Lewis Carrol and Children’s Drawings just might be under the influence themselves.

In Conclusion: This doesn’t mean I don’t like the song.

This also concludes Misunderstood Lyrics week. Thanks for playing along.

Misunderstood Song #4

This one’s a little mild.

Misunderstood Song #4: Fortunate Son

What People Think: I don’t really know. All I know is that I hear it a lot during the credits/trailers of movies that it doesn’t seem to apply to at all.

The Truth: It’s not really terribly patriotic at all, so I’m not sure why it pops up like it does.

Some folks are born
made to wave the flag,
Ooh, they’re red, white and blue.
And when the band plays “Hail to the chief”,
they point the cannon right at you.
It ain’t me,
it ain’t me.
I ain’t no senator’s son.
It ain’t me,
it ain’t me.
I ain’t no fortunate one.

Basically the song’s about being drafted to Vietnam and how unlucky that was. I know it played during the credits of the latest Die Hard movie and it’s been in a few others too, including one I think about a NASCAR racer. I think it may have showed up in like, one Vietnam war movie.

I think it’s because the first few lines contain the words “flag” and “red white and blue” and then he starts his yelling/singing thing and people just stop listening so they figure they can just throw it into American themed stuff.

In Conclusion: I know it’s underwhelming, but I do kind of wish I knew what exactly people think this song is about.

Misunderstood Song #3

When it comes to a negative song being mistaken for a positive song, I could just say look here and pop off for the day but I will not. Instead I wrote another one.

Misunderstood Song #3: Good Riddance

What everyone thinks: That it’s a happy farewell song. Great for graduations.

The truth: GAH just look at the title! It’s a snarky break-up song to an ex-girlfriend.

The problem is, radios promoted this song under the title “Time of Your Life,” which that Greenday guy said was a far too “level-headed” title for it.

Most people on the street know it as their prom song, “Time of Your Life,” a sweet sappy goodbye. Rethink. Its proper given title is “Good Riddance.”

“Good Riddance.”

Now replay the lyrics, with the title and the context (a break-up) in mind.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

They’re a wee bit bitter now that you think of it aren’t they?

In Conclusion: Think about context before you ever play this song again. Graduation? No. Prom? No. Break-up? Yes. Glad to see someone leave forever? Yes.

I mean, it’s Good Riddance for crying out loud.

We need a little love up in here.

Top Misunderstood Song #2 – The Number of the Beast

What Everyone Thinks: It’s a Satanic song! It celebrates Satan, and is BAD.

The Truth: It is not bad. It is awesome.

The song isn’t so much in celebration of Satan as it is in terror of him. Basically, the guy has witnessed a Satanic ritual, though whether it’s in real life or a dream is uncertain…

What did I see? Could I believe? That what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy

Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me?

Torches blazed and sacred chants were phrased
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires are burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can’t go on I must inform the lord
Can this still be real or just some crazy dream?

maiden.jpg
While somewhat scary, this image is one of the milder examples of terrifying 80’s hair.

Ultimately, the storyteller is so freaked out that he goes to tell the authorities what’s happening, but gets sucked into the madness and oh no what now.

But that’s the thing. It’s not, hooray! Rituals! It’s, Oh, no. Rituals.

The thing about Iron Maiden is, they spend a lot of time singing about history, or being afraid. If you’re scared of the devil, you might relate to The Number of the Beast.

I can understand this kind of confusion ‘way back when this first came out and there was no Google to check the lyrics. But it’s now time to look closer. We have the internet.

In conclusion: If Bruce Dickinson and Judy Garland had a baby, that baby’s vibrato would surely be strong enough to shatter even the strongest foundations of the world.

Hello hello! I know things here have taken a real musical bent lately, but my current place of employment involves me doing nothing but standing in place, packing boxes, and listening to whatever station the factory is playing this day. It’s on my mind.

This week I’ll be doing a series of my top 5 Most Misunderstood Songs Ever, one a day. Today’s song is:

Most Misunderstood Song #1: Sweet Home Alabama

What everyone thinks: It’s a song about Alabama, which makes a pretty sweet home. Maybe it’s the state anthem or something.

The Truth: It’s pretty much anti-anti-racism. That’s racist, for those following along.

Let’s have a history lesson. Once upon a time African Americans were segregated in the US. This was a hugely dumb idea, and so a law was passed to integrate our society. Unfortunately, the racism didn’t stop there. Alabama was notably hesitant in its movement forward.

Niel Young saw this racism going on and said to himself, that’s a pretty lame thing. And so he wrote two songs: Southern Man and Alabama. They basically said, hey. Stop that racism thing. Also you should apologize for being a jerk, Alabama.

Was it wrong of him to pick specifically on Alabama? Maybe. But the Band Lynyrd Skynyrd was having none of it. They couldn’t bear to see Alabama called out in this way. So then, THEY wrote a song.

Sweet Home Alabama.

niel.jpg

alabama.jpg

lynyrd.jpg

Makes all those “I heard Niel Young sing about her” and “Southern Man don’t need you ’round anyhow” lyrics make more sense if you didn’t know.

In Conclusion: People need to get over this song. It’s a song written to hate on a song written to hate on racism. Plus how many people who love this song have even been to Alabama? I don’t even think the majority of Lynyrd Skynyrd were from Alabama. If any. Holy cow.

I am ashamed of myself

When I was a kid, I used to pull the stickers off the rubix cube squares and line them up. I knew kids who used hammers to break them apart then put them together correctly.

And then I see this kid.

And I am ashamed.

But speaking of old toys, does anyone here remember Tamagotchis? And I don’t mean the dumb modern ones with their fancy hi-tech wireless communication and their accessories and their…their…they’re just not as cool as they used to be!

As they used to be, in 1997.

tamagotchi.jpg
Remember these? Oh man, that fad was awesome. It lasted for about two weeks (incidentally, the amount of time a Tamagotchi lives, assuming your school wasn’t so mean as to ban them or your mom wasn’t so mean as to have a life while you were at school that didn’t involve babysitting a ten-pixel digital pet.)

Good times all around.

Anyhow, the point of this story is I was given an original one for my birthday. I am bringing back the fad.

Help me bring back the fad. Don’t worry, it’s only about four or five times as expensive as it originally was.

video-tamagotchi.jpg
…Just look how excited these girls are.

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