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You see it coming.

I’ve done a number (4 I think) of these Breakin’ it Down articles, and I’ve consistently been harangued for one thing (though granted, less and less): I keep picking on “nice” bands and “nice” songs.

Of course, when a person picks on a nice song, it must mean they listen only to evil songs according to internet logic. But, the fact it makes me sad when the music on the stations I listen to is horrible, horrible quality; regardless of family-friendliness.

Plus it would hardly do to break apart a very obscene song for a clean humor site, now would it?

But, I do recognize variety as the spice of life, and decided that I would break down a Mainstream Song just for you! So I cranked up that old “radio” and hit the “seek” button and decided I would break to bits the first random song to hit “my ears.

It was “Carry on My Wayward Son” and I don’t know what kind of evil soulless witch you think I am, but needless to say, I hit “seek” again to find something more breakable. It’ll be a clever day with Paris Hilton when I raise my hand against art.

Anyway! I listened through about five hours of commercials and was just about to give up on my will to live when a song came on! Aha!

3-and-a-half soul-beatingly dreadful minutes later, and I was forced to ask myself a very difficult question. Did I just listen to an entire song…a rap song no less…about dang lip gloss?

“Lip Gloss.” By…oh jeez…”Lil’ Mama”

whaaat.jpg

Its poppin (4)

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker
and all the boys keep stoppin

Well…it starts out…vivaciously. No music, just a strong rhythm and a bunch of lyrics. About…lip gloss.


Mac Mac, Loreal yep cause I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That’s probably the reason all these boys got crushes

Can’t say nothin. Rhyming crushes with crushes. At one point she rhymes “virtue” with “universal.” Got them most watermelon. What you know bout me. It be poppin’. It is not popping. It is be poppin’.

Okay, okay. I’m stopping.

I’m stopping! NO!

There is NO REASON why anybody should have a hard time figuring out why I don’t do these kinds of songs. Lip gloss? This whole song is about why LIP GLOSS made this girl popular. LIP GLOSS.

LIP GLOSS PEOPLE LIP GLOSS.

Why do I even feel the need to say this is stupid garbage? Why? It should be inherently obvious! And I’m not going to do it! Just…listening to that song made me want to swallow razor wire, and I’ll be darned if I let my blood pressure rise any more by thinking about it. There are other verses, find them for yourselves. If you can’t figure out why this song is unfetteredly terrible and make your OWN witty jokes about the real reason the boyz prolly keep on jockin and chasin after school, then my pointing it out here really would not make any difference.

It’s a lip gloss commercial, people. A L’oreal lipgloss commercial. Why does this girl make money. It’s the saddest story in the world.

11 Responses to “Breakin’ It Down, the You Asked For it Edition”

  1. on 26 Feb 2008 at 4:17 am anne

    yeah, I guess that’s talent maybe she can rap about some monistat too

  2. on 26 Feb 2008 at 1:03 pm diesel

    My six year old says that lip gloss makes her “beautiful.” So there’s that.

  3. on 26 Feb 2008 at 6:06 pm CheeseDuck

    You have to be good if you’re gonna rap about something as random as lip gloss.

  4. on 26 Feb 2008 at 7:08 pm Its Popping

    i agree, i think shes quite talented. She constructed a very catchy track backed by only stomps and handclaps. The song made it onto many critics top song lists for the year.
    Check out her remix of avril lavigne’s girlfriend – she turned a crappy song into something enjoyable.

  5. on 26 Feb 2008 at 10:24 pm GOD

    LIP GLOSS PEOPLE LIP GLOSS

  6. on 27 Feb 2008 at 4:35 am Freelance Guru

    Man, I’ve been trying for years to get famous. Why did no-one tell me this secret before?

  7. on 28 Feb 2008 at 9:23 pm Gymnanin

    I have to listen to this song EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY. In fact, 10 times a day, at the least. A cheerleader that goes to my gymnastics place plays it so loud. Along with lots of trashy dancing. Because, apparently, at my gymn, trashy dancing and cheerleaders go together. So do 6 year-olds in short-shorts and sports bras. At first, when I heard it, I was sure that is had to be…I don’t know, something that wasn’t about LIPGLOSS. I don’t think it’s ‘creative’. I think it’s a meaningless thing to get money for.

  8. on 03 Mar 2008 at 12:11 pm Heather

    I love the Breakin’ it down columns that you do. They are always hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the Christmas edition.

  9. on 05 Mar 2008 at 3:39 pm KC

    I dont know if you remember the “VOWEL” song? From the early 80’s as Disco died came A,E,…A,E,I,O,U,…And sometimes “Y”………..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……..How lame, and it was played over and over and over………..Not it was not a kids song to help them learn “Fonix” (Mispelled intentional) No it was a top 20 song…..I hated it then and thinking aqbout it now Pisses me off……..

    Yea singing about Lip gloss…..How STOOOOOOPID! When they arent making lame songs like those they are re-recording songs from the past and ruining them or adding a dumb beat……..Love songs with a beat added sound so sick!

  10. on 12 Mar 2008 at 3:41 am Amber

    I think I would rather she sing about lip gloss and have other little girls singing about lip gloss than some of this other stuff that is out there. She could be wearing her underware on the outside of her close saying she is a “slave” for some boy or she could singing about stealing someone’s boyfriend. The song is stupid but its not trash. Its a harmless song for little children I don’t think adults are supposed to like it. We arn’t the target audience.

  11. on 12 Mar 2008 at 12:28 pm Karen

    Amber, she uses the n’ word. Nobody should be the target audience. I also hesitate to agree with any argument that defends something as “better than [something terrible]. I mean, an ulcer is “better” than cancer but nobody should have to put up with one.

    This song is an ulcer, is all I’m saying.

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