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Archive for February, 2008

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Once again, I have about seven projects I should be working on but am instead focused on the internet.

Don’t ask me what’s so addictive about this game, but I don’t foresee myself getting any work done tonight. Thanks, internet!

You see it coming.

I’ve done a number (4 I think) of these Breakin’ it Down articles, and I’ve consistently been harangued for one thing (though granted, less and less): I keep picking on “nice” bands and “nice” songs.

Of course, when a person picks on a nice song, it must mean they listen only to evil songs according to internet logic. But, the fact it makes me sad when the music on the stations I listen to is horrible, horrible quality; regardless of family-friendliness.

Plus it would hardly do to break apart a very obscene song for a clean humor site, now would it?

But, I do recognize variety as the spice of life, and decided that I would break down a Mainstream Song just for you! So I cranked up that old “radio” and hit the “seek” button and decided I would break to bits the first random song to hit “my ears.

It was “Carry on My Wayward Son” and I don’t know what kind of evil soulless witch you think I am, but needless to say, I hit “seek” again to find something more breakable. It’ll be a clever day with Paris Hilton when I raise my hand against art.

Anyway! I listened through about five hours of commercials and was just about to give up on my will to live when a song came on! Aha!

3-and-a-half soul-beatingly dreadful minutes later, and I was forced to ask myself a very difficult question. Did I just listen to an entire song…a rap song no less…about dang lip gloss?

“Lip Gloss.” By…oh jeez…”Lil’ Mama”


Its poppin (4)

What you know bout me
What you what you know bout me
What you know bout me
What you what you know

They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I’m standing at my locker
and all the boys keep stoppin

Well…it starts out…vivaciously. No music, just a strong rhythm and a bunch of lyrics. About…lip gloss.

Mac Mac, Loreal yep cause I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway they cant say nothin
Oh oh oh my lips so luscious
The way I spice it up with the Mac Mac brushes
Loreal got them most watermelon crushes
That’s probably the reason all these boys got crushes

Can’t say nothin. Rhyming crushes with crushes. At one point she rhymes “virtue” with “universal.” Got them most watermelon. What you know bout me. It be poppin’. It is not popping. It is be poppin’.

Okay, okay. I’m stopping.

I’m stopping! NO!

There is NO REASON why anybody should have a hard time figuring out why I don’t do these kinds of songs. Lip gloss? This whole song is about why LIP GLOSS made this girl popular. LIP GLOSS.


Why do I even feel the need to say this is stupid garbage? Why? It should be inherently obvious! And I’m not going to do it! Just…listening to that song made me want to swallow razor wire, and I’ll be darned if I let my blood pressure rise any more by thinking about it. There are other verses, find them for yourselves. If you can’t figure out why this song is unfetteredly terrible and make your OWN witty jokes about the real reason the boyz prolly keep on jockin and chasin after school, then my pointing it out here really would not make any difference.

It’s a lip gloss commercial, people. A L’oreal lipgloss commercial. Why does this girl make money. It’s the saddest story in the world.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

I know I know, videos. They are a curse!

But I think not sharing this would make me the devil. It’s a lousy time of year, spring is taking FOREVER to get here, and it seems everywhere we turn there are just spoiled brats, jerks, and morons filling up the internet.

So it’s a real joy for me to be able to log in here and post this. Consider your day BRIGHTENED.

EDIT: For you guys asking, I guess he’d asked for an Xbox and his parents, to keep it a secret, told him money was “tight” and maybe they’d be able to rent one some weekend. Hence his shock and excitement. Also, I guess he broke his collarbone for his last birthday (kids do this) and that’s why his not being in the hospital is so cool. He does not have a terminal illness, don’t cry.

Don’t try this at home.

I hate to post another “Top 5 Videos” so soon, but this one hits me close to home.

Not as nearly as close as it hits these guys coming up. I for one am just about tired of the coke-and-mentos phenomenon that has swept the universe, and so I dedicate this post to the top five videos representing exactly why it’s time people found better things to do with their time. I give you: 5 Best Coke and Mentos Pwns.

5) This one gets things kicked off nicely…

No…that’s not good at all.

4) Again, this one struck the cameraman, but more impressively, so it earns its spot at number 4:

3) This one sadly has the embed option removed…an instance of someone getting ruined by coke and mentos because they’d actually never heard of it!

2) This kid should learn not to take disappointment out on potential explosives.

1) Nearly Deadly

That one looked like it could’ve taken that kid’s head off!

And the “hey, at least you tried” award goes to this…the must unimpressive piddle I’ve ever seen:

I’m gonna wrap this one up with the phrase: “Don’t try this at home” not as much because I don’t want you to end up like the last kid and have your head torn off by what once was benevolent candy and carbonated drink as much as because it’s just about time people figured out that it’s just not that cool anymore. The only way to enjoy the stunt now is to watch people hurting themselves trying to get it right.

More Unfortunate Ad Placements!

it’s always fun to go searching for these! Here are some I’d never seen before:

This one just seems a bit mean.

Somehow I don’t think they’ll be getting the message intended…

Yuck. Not so much unfortunate ad placement as…unfortunate mud placement.

Oh, now…that’s just not right.

Sometimes I wonder if a portion of resources should be removed from advertisement research and placed into some constructive planning for placement. Nah, then we wouldn’t get gems like these.

I’m not exactly sure what kind of savings account this woman thought she had, but it turns out that banks specialize in money, not illegal, addictive drugs.

Apparently a woman went to make a deposit in an ATM and submitted an envelope of money, as well as a bag of meth.

not money
How many groceries will this buy you? Zero groceries. How many jail time? Several.

I think right around the time a person starts to hold their drug so dear that they imagine it as useful as money…it’s the perfect time to get help immediately. Luckily, the bank received the drug, realized it was not legal tender, and alerted the police who then arrested the woman.

This is exactly why it’s so important to double-check your deposits before making them. Turns out meth in your account won’t show up when you swipe your card.

On a serious note: don’t do meth.

So apparently some people have enough spare time on their hands in groups that they actually write songs and sing them.

To squawk-boxes. At drivethrus. I’m a fan of fast food and a fan of music, and have always wanted a soundtrack to my life. But I don’t think I’ve taken any of these interests to the extreme the next five people have. Here are the top 5 drivethru singers I’ve ever seen.

#5 Taco Bell [Song]

This one gets an A for Affort, and believe it or not, it’s better than some vids I had to sift though, poor quality and all.

#4 Taco Bell Rap

Not bad, but not good enough to beat the professionals (from the radio show Free Beer and Hot Wings)

#3 Yo Gabba Gabba

They’re always having that guy do horrible things.

#2 McDonald’s Rap (they call it a “freestyle” but it seems rehearsed to me…)

Mad rhymez, y’all. But it couldn’t quite reach #1, reserved for the (possibly most internet famous)…

#1 McDonald’s Melody (ba-da-ba-ba-ba)

Just imagine if all these people used their creative energy to do something productive!

And on a Different Note…

I will not sully this by saying anything more.

A Snow Update.

Well, whoever it concerned took my suggestion seriously. After writing that letter in the last update, the temperatures where I am skyrocketed. A few days of forty and fifty degree weather melted snow so rapidly a thick fog developed. I don’t know if you have seen thick-as-soup fog over a foot or so of snow, but it looks a lot like this:


What was really fun was trying to drive in that. I could literally see nothing more than three yards before me. It was kind of awesome.

But, no worries, because by the end of the day all the snow was gone, and a thunderstorm rocked campus. It was spring-ishly warm.

But it’s cold and dark and rainy today, with a forecast of snow in the weekend. Happy February, everybody! My sinuses are a block of lead. Fever, ahoy!

To Whom it May Concern:

I would like to make it clear that I do understand that it is winter and, traditionally, winter is cold. But I would submit that this cold winter idea is archaic and unnecessary. I think it’s time for a re-vote. I think even should the public choose to maintain the chill for three to four months of the year, they will all agree that by February, it’s just about time for these deep snows to cease. I have detailed below five reasons the late-winter snowfalls that have occurred again this year should seriously be reconsidered for future winters.

Stop this now. It’s getting old.

1) School. These late snows shut schools down, which seems fine, but the semester just started and the last thing I need is to be stuck in my house with nothing to do for even longer.

2) Health. I’m not sure if the snow made me sick or not, but just to be safe, we should discontinue late snows to prevent similar illnesses from ever happening again. To be fair, if administration stops the snow, I’ll stop eating eggs of dubious age, even if they do float in water…or were they supposed to sink?

Yeah maybe not the best thing to put in my stomach.

3) My car. It’s been two days since the snow and my car is still completely buried. C’mon.

4) It’s not even that cool anymore. In the first few weeks of winter, snows are awesome. But we get it now. The ground is white! You can’t walk on it without sinking knee deep! Your pants get all wet around the ankles unless you buy boots!

5) I need to do laundry. How am I supposed to get to the laundromat like this? I’m dangerously low on underwear here!

To conclude, thanks for running the weather. I mean, I don’t want to backseat drive or tell you how to do your job, but…just who approves this kind of cold anyway? I hear administration is tossing around a ‘global warming’ idea. Sounds like a real step forward. Go with that.

Respectfully yours,