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Seriously? Seriously.

The story is basically this: a man in Kentucky held up an ice cream store and made off with a bit of money. He was caught and arrested with no trouble, however, because his only weapon was a stapler.

A stapler! Witnesses confessed they were not sure whether he was planning on shooting staples at them, or using the office tool as a blunt object for smacking. But either way: a stapler?

This thing?


Far be it from me to aid anyone wanting to break the law, but it seems to me if the guy was just wanting to steal money without using anything but his desk supplies, a stapler shouldn’t honestly have made the list. A few things that might have worked better?

A letter opener. At least they sometimes look a little like weapons sort of.

A coffee mug: as a blunt object, it at least has a handle going for it, and also the bonus potential scalding hot liquid!

Paper. Those cuts hurt, people, seriously.

A laser pointer: you could…blind somebody with that.

Okay it’s harder than it seems. But still. Stapler.

Or maybe the man’s just a genius. I mean, in this day and age, a child’s harmless doodle is pants-poopingly horrifying to (I assume) grown people in places of authority, so a stapler is definitely a step up. Way to think outside the box, Kentucky stapler man. Enjoy your jail time.

6 Responses to “Give me the money or I’ll pump you full of…”

  1. on 17 Nov 2007 at 4:42 pm Luke

    I believe you have my bail bond?

  2. on 17 Nov 2007 at 7:26 pm Finicky Penguin

    I think he didn’t plan it through. He needed a weapon and he wanted free ice cream.

  3. on 17 Nov 2007 at 8:07 pm Lukie

    Yeah but I bet that thing would hurt if you were wacked upside the head.

  4. on 18 Nov 2007 at 12:17 am GOD

    lol was it a big staple gun? that wood kill some one if you got a head shot

  5. on 18 Nov 2007 at 9:47 pm Nadie

    My first though was along the same track as GODs, maybe he had heard about staple GUNS being used as weapons and didn’t realise they aren’t the same thing as regular staplers?

  6. on 19 Nov 2007 at 5:01 pm diogenes

    If the “Duct Tape Bandit” used a stapler I might be impressed. Remember that guy? Not that long ago.

    Funny written piece on your part.
    Based on your end note… My thought for future masterminds like this “Kentucky Stapler Man” would be: “Send your child instead, with a drawing he/she made of a gun (oh wait..sorry, girls dont draw guns) and have him show the cashier and he’ll walk out with whatever he wants”.
    Father to son ” What?!?! I told you to get money not Ice cream!”

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