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I have the honor to offer this breaking news flash. President George W. Bush has just announced that Nelson Mandela, former South African President and Human Rights Activist, has been assassinated by Saddam Hussein:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Normally this would be rather somber news, except for the minor issue that Nelson Mandela was alive as of two days ago (September 18th, 2007), yet Saddam Hussein was executed last year (December 30, 2006). This can only mean one of three things:

  1. The Hussein execution, like the Moon landing and Tupac Shakur’s death, were staged by the U.S. government as a means to increase American spending on cable TV services.
  2. Saddam is dead, but the remaining members of the “Axis of Evil” have either created an ultra-evil Saddam replica robot or revived him as a Zombie hungry for internationally renowned diplomats’ blood … or both.
  3. Bush’s advisers have him believing that we’re in Iraq because Saddam killed a third of all Nobel Laureates while plotting to blow up the moon to obtain its delectable Swiss cheese core.

Personally, I’m voting for #2.

16 Responses to “NEWSFLASH – Nelson Mandela Assassinated?”

  1. on 21 Sep 2007 at 1:18 am Bob

    You missed option #4 – Bush as an idiot!

  2. on 21 Sep 2007 at 2:01 am Daniel Kim

    OK, I think I get it. He is trying to say that there is nobody in Iraq to fill the role of a unifying national leader, like Nelson Mandela in South Africa. He then says that this is because Saddam Hussein killed off all of the people who would have had the will, leadership and charisma to rise to the challenge.

    In Luke 11:47, Jesus says:
    “Woe to you [Pharisees], because you build tombs for the prophets, and it was your forefathers who killed them.” (New International Version)

    In other words, the Pharisees build tombs to honor the prophets of the past, ignoring the fact that their own ancestors killed them (for speaking truth to power and declaring how Israel had turned away from God). With the same unintended irony, Bush bemoans the lack of charismatic leaders in Iraq, while suppressing them as insurgents and terrorists. What he, and our nation, forget is that the “Nelson Mandelas” and “George Washingtons” of our historical admiration started out as the insurgents of their struggles.

    Like it or not, the most talented and charismatic leaders in Iraq will probably focus their efforts on removing the American invaders from their soil, not creating a Vichy puppet government.

  3. on 21 Sep 2007 at 10:03 am Melissa

    He needs a translator.

  4. on 21 Sep 2007 at 3:25 pm beckbee

    Daniel makes an excellent point. But, as with all comedy, it is usually based on a statement taken way too literally. It is still amusing in its own right. Bush doesn’t really have a good talent for saying what he means…and if he does, that is really frightening.

  5. on 21 Sep 2007 at 4:46 pm JR

    I have nothing to do but weep at the sheer stupidity.

  6. on 21 Sep 2007 at 8:36 pm Bunk

    Daniel got it right. Similar commentary with transcription can be found on Newsbusters, who blames Reuters for taking the comment out of context. (Reuters is still trying to recover from their fraudulent Iraq War reports.)

  7. on 22 Sep 2007 at 7:35 am Alpaca The Awesome

    I vote #3!!!

  8. on 22 Sep 2007 at 2:22 pm fiddlersmom

    Remember the days when we had a president that spoke in complete (and intelligible) sentences?

  9. on 23 Sep 2007 at 2:15 am Bunk

    “…it all depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”

  10. on 23 Sep 2007 at 5:47 pm Chimpy

    What…the…hell?

  11. on 24 Sep 2007 at 9:00 am Doug Winship

    There is no man so blind as he who will not see.

    It was a metaphor folks. This was only a gaffe in the sense that it went straight over the heads of people who only went to Journalism School because they couldn’t hack getting that sweet English Degree they always wanted.
    Honestly, the President provides us all with more material to laugh at than we can handle, but this tidbit isn’t one of them. The only humor here is the cluelessness of the reporter.

  12. […] can’t get enough of President Bush’s quaint little speeches then Say No To Crack has another in the endless […]

  13. on 25 Sep 2007 at 12:21 pm scoopfeed

    Lol he is one crazy person for sure. Once he has completed his term he can work as a stand up comedian and give likes of Jim Carry run for there money. Or even better can start blogging here.

  14. on 03 Oct 2007 at 12:36 pm Finn

    Boy, do I love Mr President… It’s almost like this time at Stevie Wonder’s show when Mr President actually waved at Stevie. But hey, I live in a country where the president and the prime minister are twins, and the PM claims that nobody and noone in the world could convince him that black is black and white is white. So cheer up, Mr Bush is not THAT bad. At least his not the bottom of all political jokes in Poland anymore :)

  15. on 03 Oct 2007 at 3:41 pm Polish citizen

    I think that Daniel has the point.

    I saw the material on one of the polish biggest and most influentive newspaper’s website, and there was no word of explanation other than “Bush saise, that S.H. killed N.M.”

    As much as I consider Bush an idiot (sorry, but he has proven that more than once), I think the reporters didn’t do their homework.

  16. on 06 Nov 2009 at 5:48 am lexie clark

    oh cmon, G.B has a reputation for lieing his ass off at points (not all the time) S.H died years ago right? so who ‘killed’ Nelson Mandela?

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