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Archive for August, 2007

Man found adrift…

I want to take this opportunity to thank the heroes of the sea who pulled a poor lost leggo man out of the ocean and onto safe, dry land.

Apparently the man had been out for a fishing trip, but when he met a band of yellow pirates with threatening plastic swords clipped in their hands, his small boat was easily torn apart.

He then was marooned on an island for several months, but he survived, and built a small raft. But, not knowing how to build anything that didn’t have the benefit of little interlocking plastic pegs and holes covering its surface, the raft fell apart, and the man was left adrift.

Luckily, he was found and pulled ashore, and was welcomed onto the beach by friendly natives.

yay!

He has now begun to live life again, and talks of someday perhaps revisiting that island that was his home for so long.

Since my last one was such a darn hit, I thought I’d do another! This time I’ll veer away from the (apparenlty) touchier subjects, however, and attack a totally different genre.

So, this Wicked play. It’s pretty much teh lamezorz, right? Now, I know a lot of people like it, so I won’t say I think it’s musically stunted or lyrically cancerous, or that Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel sound identical in the sountdrack, or that the concept of a “revamped” Oz plot is ridiculous, but I will say, that stowed away in the score is one of the most fantastic jokes I’ve ever heard…

Oh yuck.
The plot and characters are embarrassing, but you won’t hear me say so, no sir.

The song I’ll be breaking down for you today is “For Good.” And I call this song a joke because it’s done something funny: it seems to have convinced everone it is actually contains a positive message.

Let’s break it down:

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you:

Whoooahhhh…snap!! Kristen (or Idina? I can’t tell!) starts off with this lovely philosophy: people come into our lives to help us grow, and become better…but then she throws it out the window by saying, yeah she doesn’t believe that. Idina (or Kristen?) has changed her somehow, but not necessarily by helping her grow.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

This, I think, is what loses people. I think that this is what fools everyone, and so I’m not going to go farther into the song than this (thank me later). Let me translate these lyrics (I even tried to set them up so you could sing along!):

Like a really insulting similie, about getting burned
Or another insulting similie, about being broken
I’m not sure I’m made a better person
But, you have changed me
And that change is permanent.

And that’s all! People have, for the duration of this song, forgotten that the phrase “for good” means “forever,” and instead take it to believe that she’s saying Krisdina has changed her for the better…despite the fact that two lines earlier she said she’s not sure if she has been changed for the better at all.

You could sing this song to the shark who bit your arm off and it would be appropriate: he changed your life (I mean, now you have no arm!), and maybe it’s not for the better…but that arm is gone for good.

But the real punchline is, that song was my graduation song. I just sat there, embarrassed for my friends in the choir who were, unknowingly I assume, singing to their friends, their teachers, their school, a song that basically says, you messed me up, and the change is permanent.

Which, in the case of my school, might be true, but still. Not exactly the theme song you want to go out on. Next time you hear this song, think of this. It’s not necessarily a positive song.

Still not as bad as the kids who got “Good Riddance” as their graduation song though. Haha, suckers.

[By the way, if you look up my old Breakin’ it Down article, don’t bother posting before you’ve read all the other comments: I’ve already been told by every atheist to go, girl and by many Christians oh no I didn’t, and by a few Christians to go, girl, and by many people that the article wasn’t funny anyway. There’s not much more ground to cover.]

The joy of shaving.

I know I know, three videos in one week is kind of redundant, but when I saw a video of a man shaving himself with a banana, I couldn’t not post it.

I just could not resist. And yes, it is awesome.

Caption This Elephant

Woman in Elephant

Time for another caption contest. The rules are simple: just add your own funny/witty caption for the picture above in a comment, and the winning caption will be selected either by me or through a vote, depending on the number of entries.

Note that entries that aren’t appropriate for all ages will be removed (we have quite a few kids who read the site).

Pic via joe-ks (Thanks Bunk!)

Don’t count your eggs…

before they’re hatched. Or rather, don’t do a victory dance while driving in a race:

It’s here if embeds give you an issue.

Man. It’s sort of like in Seabiscuit, when they almost won but they didn’t try hard enough ’cause that guy was blind in one eye? Except this wasn’t one-eyed. He was one-handed. Because he’s an enormous show-off.

So it’s not quite like Seabiscuit after all, I guess.

Goats…on a Boat.

I was emailed this. It is pretty excellent. Be warned, the f-bomb and butt.

It’s the ocean…there ARE NO ZIPCODES.

Man I love parodies! And I don’t think I’m ever going to quit quoting this one.

Warning!

THIS IS A WET FLOOOOOOR!!

I’m almost positive it’s a scientifically proven fact: weird warning labels are some of the most fun things to read. I found a list of them and several of them are new to me:

Caution on a package of dice:
Not for human consumption.

Stamped on the barrel of a .22 calibre rifle:
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death. [I don’t understand the phrase ‘may cause death.’ Cause death? It will kill you.

Instructions for an electric thermometer:
Do not use orally after using rectally. [oh yuck]

I also found this, which I’m told by my friends is completely old, but it’s new to me, and so much fun that I could not help but share it with anyone out there who, like me, has let this one slip under the radar for so long.

Well they are!

When I saw a DVD screen capture from the following film over at Random Good Stuff, I just couldn’t believe it was real. Now that I’ve found a trailer, I’m starting to think differently:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

After watching the trailer again, I just went out to Netflix and Amazon. It’s real! If anyone has a Netflix or Blockbuster account and wants to give us a review, I’d love to hear it.

nazgul_perp.jpg

Authorities said in a statement today that a high-ranking Nazgul has been arrested on criminal charges in a scheme to embezzle millions from the government of Mordor. Grundir the Implacable, the undersecretary for Evil Ring Acquisition, was escorted from his home to the Minas Morgul police station.

There are nine Nazgul, or “ring-wraiths,” who are sworn to serve the dark lord Sauron. Before becoming one of the Nazgul, Grundir the Implacable was a well-known Númenorian king and hedge fund manager. Sauron saw potential in the young Grundir when he was still a mortal human and hand-picked him to be corrupted by the power of the One Ring. At 932, Grundir is the youngest of the Nazgul, but was thought to be well-liked and trusted by the other dark riders. The alleged betrayal of the Dark Lord is particularly troubling because until now it was thought that the Nazgul had surrendered their free will to become the unquestioning thralls of Sauron.

“It’s obviously very upsetting,” said Khamûl, the Witch-King of Angmar. “There was always a sense of camaraderie among us ring-wraiths. I thought we were a team. It may take centuries to rebuild that trust.”

Grundir the Implacable’s lawyer, Malindur Cohen, insisted there was no truth to the charges. “These accusations are spurious and insulting,” Cohen said. “Grundir the Implacable is a pillar of the evil community. Having no corporeal form, he has no need for money or physical possessions. Other than his winged steed and his Mordor-issued black cloak, he owns nothing, and he has no ambition beyond furthering the baneful reign of the Dark Lord.”

Sauron was unavailable for comment, but is believed to be keeping an eye on the case.

Guest post by Diesel of Mattress Police fame.

Pet Sweat

There must be a translation problem here. Maybe this is bottled water for your sweaty pet? That, or the Japanese have far worse taste than I thought. So much for my plan to stave off disease by drinking bottled water when overseas. via Tokyo Times

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