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Archive for July, 2007

…if you haven’t finished the latest book yet, that is. If you have already, no fear.

I don’t actually follow the books. I’ve seen the movies (this last one seemed to be having an identity crisis: couldn’t decide whether it was a fantasy flick or a thriller), and know the basic story/characters, I guess. I’ve made a point, however, of not getting too deeply into any series that isn’t finished yet. I learned this lesson many years ago in grade school with Redwall and Animorphs…just too much torture.

Maybe I’ll read the Potter books eventually, is what I’m saying.

But I was almost tempted to get this last one and read it through, just so I could have the pleasure of rubbing spoilers in my Pott’-head friends’ faces. This guy, however, takes the cruel joke and makes it the most wonderful, terrible, Grinch-like prank ever devised by any heartless villain ever (warning: DO NOT LOOK BELOW IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED THE BOOK)

Ladies and gentlemen, the spoiler-mobile:

quick, robin!  to the spoiler mobile!

He didn’t just get his friends, he got anyone in his path who had eyes. That is brilliant. I wish I could give credit to this evil genious, but this image was e-mailed to me by a friend (and e-mailed to him, and to him, and back forever, turtles all the way down). If you happen to read this, spoiler man, hats off to you.

It’s a Trap!

This is the first truly creative TV ad I’ve seen in a long time:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Too bad they never showed this European commercial in the U.S., I think Americans would get a kick out of it.

Whenever I’ve seen someone in distress, I’ve always come to the “It’s a trap!” conclusion as well. I guess there’s good reason though – instead of some innocent young lady locked out of her car, I typically happen upon some fat sweaty guy in cutup jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt leaning against the side of his mid-eighties Chevy.

Famous Poems, re-written…

As limericks. I love it.

I personally think the limerick is the greatest form of poetry ever written, and to see these great, classic poems reduced to proper size warms my heart. Alas, there are not very many, but here is a taste of what you’ll find:

The Raven

There once was a girl named Lenore
And a bird and a bust and a door
And a guy with depression
And a whole lot of questions
And the bird always says “Nevermore.”

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

There was an old father of Dylan
Who was seriously, mortally illin’
“I want,” Dylan said
“You to bitch till you’re dead.
“I’ll be cheesed if you kick it while chillin’.”

This is too brilliant. Anybody else want to give it a try? I would congratulate the person who wrote one.

Mm, what you say?

I told myself I wouldn’t do this. I promised myself, actually. No, Karen, I said. Don’t do that. YouTube video embeds haven’t been working for you lately, and everyone has already seen this.

But I must. I cannot resist. This post contains violence, but just movie and television show violence…not real life violence, is what I’m saying.

For those of you who follow the television show called the O.C. (I confess I do not), you know that the season ended rather violently and (I guess?) unexpectedly.

For those of you who have not see this finale, it still holds something very unexpected. Warning, by the way, some violence and also lots of bad acting.

That song! What is with that song? It’s so abrupt, so loud, so…oddly chosen and placed. I looked the song up and it turns out the whole song is pretty long, and the bit they chose is near the end…the entire rest of the song sounded pretty okay for a shooting scene. Why they chose this weird boy-band section is beyond me. But, of course, the choice was made, and it was too ridiculous for the show SNL not to respond with a parody. Warning: violence, and also comedy.

And then, of course, it was not too long before YouTube responded with ONE HUNDRED BILLION PARODIES OF THE PARODY, most of which completely suck. Here are a few of my favorites.

This one I like because it was a classic, wonderful idea. The flaw is in the execution. But, now that it’s done, no one’s going to make a better one to show them up. (Warning: limb removal, Monty Python)

This one is hilarious, because the song actually works better in this scene than in the original scene from the OC. (Warning: arrows, orcs, and better acting than in the OC)

This one? My absolute favorite. It starts out okay, gets better, then gets kind of boring, but stick it out: the very end had me laughing out loud and I almost fell over. (Warning: The f-bomb, much violence, and Die Hard)

And now it’s out of my system, and I can move on. Check out some of the other parodies, if you like, I couldn’t handle the thought of watching every single one, there are so many. I also have this song as my ring tone now. It makes all my calls so much more dramatic.

Feral Spuds Strike in Idaho

Ketchum, Idaho (Strutts News Services) – Over thousands of years humans have successfully domesticated animals, insects and plants. Domesticated animals include cats, dogs, chickens, cows, children, goats, horses, pigs and sheep, among many others. Domesticated insects include bees, and, um, other bees. Domesticated plants include corn, rice, rye, wheat, and many varieties of plants that we take for granted, like granola barensia and cocopuffsia.

In our long history of domesticating various species, early humans understood that in only one generation previously domesticated flora and fauna can, and often do, turn feral… sometimes with disastrous results.

That is exactly what happened Thursday afternoon, when tens of thousands of feral potatoes blocked State Route N US 91 from Wapello to Blackfoot, Idaho.

Potato attack

Eyewitness reports indicate that the spuds were upset about recent news reports promoting tax-funded corn subsidies for ethanol production. “We’ve seen enough!” said one, identified only as “Norgold Russet.” “Sure, corn has ears, but we’ve got eyes, and we don’t like what we see.”

With the arrival of an asphalt roller from nearby Idaho Falls, the protest disbanded slowly, leaving the denizens of Wapello in dismay. “We’re out of gravy!” exclaimed a tear-streaked Bonnie Phumph. “And the butter’s running out, too!”

Photo via Grit in the Gears

Yoga Cow

Apparently it is quite common to see cows on Indian beaches. After a long day lounging on the beach, drinking margaritas, and teaching the locals how to swim, this cow just wants a nice long rubdown.

Thanks GafferBee!

Employees involved in embezzlement schemes almost always think one of two things: “nobody will notice” or “I’ll just borrow this and pay it back later”.

Those embezzling from banks probably never thought seriously about the scheme dreamed up by five Chinese men though … “Hey, why don’t we steal money from the vault, then buy lotto tickets so we can get rich AND pay back the bank!”

Chinese Yuan

After a couple thousand failed lottery tickets, you’d expect these men to realize the folly of their ways. Two of the men were managers at the bank, so they obviously couldn’t have been THAT dumb … but they still ended up stealing over $6.7 Million and spending over $6.1 Million of the money on lotto tickets.

Once they even won a smaller jackpot of about $100,000, so they put that money back in the vault but just went back to their old plot in hopes of hitting it real big.

via Yahoo News

Texas Long Hens

Conroy, Texas (Strutts News Services)

The world is changing in more ways than a google times your face. In southeast Texas, recent immigrants have introduced a new breed of poultry, known locally as “Texas Long Hens”. Originally bred in China, these unusual birds measure more than 30 inches from beak to tail, and some grow to be up to 45 inches long.

long chickens
[Two Long-Hens at left compete for feed with two average sized hens.]

Rancher and founder of the Texas Long Hens Company, Tulane “Tule” Fogg, explains. “Yep they’re longer, bigger hens. But we don’t raise ’em for the meat so much as the aigs. A reglar chicken don’t lay no more than one a day. These chickens lay one long one every three days, an’ it take about three hens lined up to hatch it.”

When asked if raising Texas Long Hens required anything out of the ordinary, Fogg replied, “Well, just one thing. When they go to roost after peckin’ around all day, we gotta strap their fannies to the top of the cage so’s they don’t fall over backward.”

Although these hens are valued in the Chinese Province of Baotao, it will likely be several decades before the western populace sees the “Texas Long Eggs” on the market shelf, except, of course, in Conroy. “I filed a patent for a new eggcrate design, too,” said Fogg. “Kinda like fluorescent tube packaging.”


Photos via Westwalessmallholders and eatliver

Class Lesson

Classroom Chairs

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Joke via Dysan, pic thanks to Night Owl City.

Noodle lovers rejoice, now you can spend a small fortune to bathe with complete strangers in a colossal bowl of Ramen Noodles!

Ramen Bath

This bowl is part of a spa theme park in Japan, called Hakone Kowakien Yunessun. They also have other themed baths and pools, like this enticing red wine bath:

Red Wine Bath

Any chance this could be made with real red wine? If so, let me know … once this baby comes a weekend spent swimming in red wine sounds heavenly! However, the Ramen Noodle bath will only be available for a few more months, so hurry now before they replace it with something less appealing – like a tofu, seaweed, or just plain water (who would pay for that?)

Pics via Japan Probe

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