Pisa, Italy (Strutts News Services) – Due to an abberation in the earth’s magnetic/gravitational force, scientists, geologists and architectural historians verified long held theories that the famed Leaning Tower of Pisa does not actually lean at all, and that it is actually the adjacent Duomo that does.
Geotechnical engineer and astrologist Bobby Bieber BFD released the details of the findings to the UK Telegraph on Thursday. Mr. Bieber stated that the “leaning” of the tower is actually an illusion accidentally perpetrated by the thousands of visitors to the historic site.
“With few exceptions, visitors to this site photograph themselves, friends and others ‘holding up’ the tower. It’s a cheap photographic trick, but it falls apart when the camera is held properly. This myth has been blown wa-a-ay out of proportion.”
When asked about Galileo’s famed gravity experiments, Mr. Bieber responded:
“All of the mystery surrounding Ol’ Gilly [Gallileo] points to chicanery. He was a known practical joker of his time, and no one believed his stunts, although many were definitely amused. Yeah, he dropped cannon balls, but probably used maggots around the tower to influence the apparent gravitation. I mean magnets.”
Geotechnical analysis is now underway to correct the Leaning Duomo of Pisa.
Something about this judge’s decision reminds me of a classic punishment handed to a rebellious teen by a frustrated parent: “No girlfriend for you!!”
And I have to say, it’s a pretty nifty idea.
Apparently he’s got this “dependent personality” disorder (which I’ve never heard of but firmly believe in I guess) and when faced with rejection by an ex, he struck her, cut her phone cord, and then stabbed himself. Because, you know, nothing solves a problem quite like self-knifings.
Rather than jail time, the judge decided a more fundamental solution was in order: the man is not allowed to have any girlfriends for three years. I didn’t know this kind of ruling was even possible, but I’m glad I know now! In fact, I support it wholly and would like to know where to submit a list of candidates for future girlfriend-bannings!
Legal or not, I was pretty impressed. The first half kind of reminded me of how I throw (except my throw probably wouldn’t go anywhere near the plate).
As 99% of you already know, this site has nothing to do with saying no to drugs. However, sometimes it’s necessary to take a breather for a public service announcement.
This time, it’s to say: “if you want to convince your friends that aliens visited your uncle’s cornfield, be clean and sober when creating the crop circles”:
The 35 year old driver who left this poor excuse for a crop circle obviously didn’t follow this advice, and is now serving time in a Dutch prison for impersonating an alien. Drug abuse and destroying four police cars will likely be listed as secondary offenses.
Cleveland Ohio (Strutts News Services) – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi startled a gathering of patrons attending a fundraiser for Wiccan Presidential candidate Lannie Foosers. When asked by Foosers’ campaign manager Tooncie Crumbler what she intends to do about the ever-increasing bat wing shortage, Ms. Pelosi quickly and deftly removed her right eyeball, and declared that she would do everything in her power to stop global warming caused by the current administration.
The crowd gasped, but then applauded, as Ms. Pelosi replaced her orb as quickly as she had removed it. She then blinked 52 times per second for the next 13 minutes. Ms. Crumbler suddenly and unexpectedly spontaneously combusted, erupting in blue flames while seated in the front row.
Ms. Crumbler was rushed to St. Vincent Charity Hospital where she is recuperating from 1st and 2nd degree burns on her upper torso. Complete recovery is expected.
No other injuries were reported, and no more questions were asked. The fundraiser ended three hours early, and Ms. Pelosi left quietly on her broom.
How boring is your job? Do you think it could be worse than working here?
Now THAT is a boring company!
Boring Business Systems is actually a real business in Lakeland, Florida … led by a gentleman with the unfortunate name of Dean Boring (to the right). If my name was Boring, I’d probably become a clown, trapeze artist, or something else decidingly NOT boring. I’d also make sure to wear my clown outfit in company pictures, not something that makes me look like an accountant.
For anyone out there that works for Boring (or knows someone who does) – I’d love to know what recruitment tool you use to convince your applicants that your company ISN’T boring. Or do you just look for boring candidates?
This is one of those runners up I didn’t tell you about.
It’s also one of my favorite sites, except for the fact that it hasn’t been updated properly in over a year. The concept is simple: people send Eric emotions, and Eric conveys them. He’s the human smiley.
They start off with some pretty standard basics:
Happy
Sad
To the more expressive:
Unctuous
What’s that smell?
To, naturally, the ever-popular:
FREEEEEEDOM!!
Despite the fact that the project has basically ended, there is quite a fun collection of emotions for you to peruse. Some of them are completely priceless. Let’s hope he comes back sometime, maybe, and creates a few more.
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