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Breakin’ it down

Good times, good times. Finals are over, and summer has begun. And, aside from the untimely death of my fish, Gill-Galad, and the purchasing of his (somewhat ugly) replacement, Monet, it’s been a pretty good beginning. My last day of work at my thrift store job is Saturday, and my first day of work at the factory for summer money begins in a week.

I’ll miss that job, but I won’t miss the music. My manager only let me play the local Christian radio station, despite my attempts to bring in other, equally appropriate, but better, music (like, classical stuff, ABBA (shut up, they’re wonderful), They Might Be Giants, Josh Groban….) but no. She’d catch me, and turn it back to CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN MUSIC SAFE FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY ALL DAY LONG.

Now, far be it from me to rag too hard on Christian music…but nowadays, the artists seem to have realized that it’s not that hard a job. Christian music fans will accept anything that has the name Jesus, the word “holy” or a reference to church in it, even if it is unoriginal, sounds bad, or is a grammatical nightmare (I once heard a song that used the phrase “you saved myself from me” just so it could rhyme “me” with “street.” Come on!) Frankly, Christian artists seem to have stopped trying, and it’s not like their fans have given them a reason not to.

There is one song in particular that played at least three times an hour…probably the worst Christian song I’ve ever heard, and I don’t mean worst song that is Christian, I mean worst song that can ever claim to have Christian foundations. Seriously. It’s called “Wherever We Go,” and it’s by a group called the Newsboys (so Google tells me), and they’ve pretty much given up on trying to be anything like any good, if this song serves as their talent compass.

I’d post the song if I could find it, but here are the lyrics, just to give you a taste…

Wherever we go, the bluebirds sing
And the flowers bloom
And the grass gets green
It’s a curious thing
But it’s just our thing

Okay, okay, let me stop them there for a moment. Are the Newsboys Persephone?

Wherever we go, the bees behave
In the treetops, squirrels smile and wave
It’s a curious thing
And it’s humbling

Wait, wait, what? What? They just spent two stanzas totally bragging on how magical their powers of arrival are, and that makes them humble? Do they know the definition of the word humble? Newsboys: “humble” is not a synonym for “huge ego trip.”

I think they got so lost in how wonderful they are, they forgot they’re supposed to be a Christian band, and had to throw in the humbling bit so they didn’t blow their cover. But then, they kept singing….

[bridge]
Where we go, little glow-worms glow
Little roadrunners run ahead
Gonna tell their friends
Little mice, little men
Get ’em all excited
All invited

[chorus]

HANDS UP
HOLLER BACK HERE
LET’S THROW THIS PARTY IN GEAR
WE BROUGHT THE WELCOME MAT
WHEREVER WE GO, THAT’S WHERE THE PARTY’S AT

Hokay, hokay, wait, wait, wait. Holler back? Holler back. Seriously? Well, you heard the boys, holler back! And holler back here, because, apparently, this party is in an inappropriate gear, and needs to be thrown into the correct one!

holla back
holla’ back

They’ve brought the welcome mat! As you already undoubtedly know, a real party must have a welcome mat. If only I could count the times I’ve arrived at a friend’s house for a party, found there to be no welcome mat, and simply turned and walked away. Psh.

Also, before I continue, take care to notice the humbled tone of the lyrics.

HANDS UP
HOLLER BACK NOW
WE DON’T CLAIM ANY KNOW-HOW
WEÒ€ℒRE GIVING GOD ALL THAT
WHEREVER WE GO, THAT’S WHERE THE PARTY’S AT

There they go again! You must not have hollered back sufficiently, because they demand it again, and this time, they mean now, not just here. They require a holler back both here, and now. They are unsatisfied with less than immediate holler back gratification. Also, I love the “we’re giving God all that,” as if this one line (and it is the only line in the whole song with any reference to any deity outside their own miraculous selves, I might mention) made up for the fact that this whole song is just stroke, stroke, strokin’ away at that enormous ego they’re sportin’. I’m pretty sure it’s canceled out by the next line “wherever we go, that’s where the party’s at.” Where its AT, folks! AT! Not is, no sir! They be too marvelous for that! At!

And they claim no know-how! They just work their miracles and have no clue how. They’re just that amazing.

I’ll spare you the rest, but it’s about a million more verses in which “dumb get wise,” “bullies make nice,” and–get this “the ozone layer shows improvement.” I can’t even make this stuff up! These people are educators, councilors, and environmentalists…just by showing up! Oh, but right…they’re giving God “all that.” What ever “all that” is. Perhaps “all that” is located with them, where the party’s at.

And the thing is, people listen to this stuff all day long, then come to me and tell me that the Yin-Yang image on a pillow we were selling is a demonic symbol. I’m just saying the Newsboys seem to be on the verge of founding a religion all about themselves, and are luring innocent radio-listeners into their pseudo-Christian trap, and meanwhile the unsuspecting victims are busy not being able to difference between a pentagram and a yin-yang. We are assuredly doomed.

Special thanks to Sing365 for the lyric look-up.

Holla’ back.

35 Responses to “Breakin’ it down”

  1. on 14 May 2007 at 2:07 am andi

    Yea… Christian crap (and i don’t just mean the music). When someone tells you about the ‘demonic signs’ just tell them that their crappy religion claims free thought and action to be demonic too, and that they really are their ‘oh-so-merciful-god'(which actually needs to be praised intensely and extreme behavior in order to be tolerant of them maggots)’s sheep…

    ah well, and since this is a humor site and not a debate site, there’s a south park episode that covers christian rock bands purrrrrfectly πŸ˜€

    [translation: I’m so atheist, I can’t not bash a religion I only know about from pop culture and not its actual teachings.]

  2. on 14 May 2007 at 8:59 am 1beat

    i slept like a log last night i woke up in the fireplace.

  3. on 14 May 2007 at 10:24 am Mr. Fabulous

    I lost the energy to holler back anymore…

  4. on 14 May 2007 at 10:57 am Laura

    Seriously, it’s like they arent’ even trying. A ridiculous song has been making frequent appearances in our Chapel services. The chorus goes . . .

    I am a friend
    I am a friend
    I am a friend of God.

    The verses are similarly simple. I have to try not to laugh during services, becuase the song sounds like some of the impromptu songs my 7-year-old son sings while playing in his room.

    As a Christian, I am frustrated with the declining quality of Christian Music. Fortunately, there are still some great bands out there with an amazing sound, inspired lyrics, and true meaning. (i.e. David Crowder Band, Third Day) We should demand more of mainstream Christian Music.

  5. on 14 May 2007 at 12:05 pm Charlie

    Okay, hold on one second here. Keeping the First Amendment in mind, which makes it OK to say anything you want, and I will jealously defend that right for everyone…but what’s the deal guys? You take harmless lyrics like the ones posted above and lambaste them like they are as bad as the rest of today’s music. Yeah, lets bash the Newsboys, all the while gangster rappers are talking about bitches and hoes, popping caps and phat chicks. This is so hypocritical. To poster #4, what’s wrong with simple lyrics that express one’s perception of living as a child of God? If you are a practicing Christian, look up this verse: Mat 18:3. “Come as little children” I am amazed that people that have nothing to say about the explicit, mainstream music pick on something as harmless as this. The article comes across as though the author does not believe in Christianity, and though she had as experience in having been told a symbol on a pillow was “demonic” and perhaps one could draw she was offended, COME ON. LOL. If you want to pick on someone, try having a valid point first. Missing all the garbage that is today’s music, by and large, and attacking the Newsboys is pretty lame.

    Charlie

    [translation: because someone posted something negative about a Christian song, it means they must support explicit lyrics in mainstream music, and are anti-Christian. also, an anectode about a misunderstood symbol is an attack on Christians and not a funny story about a mistake]

  6. on 14 May 2007 at 1:07 pm The Dentist

    LOL CONTROVERSY

  7. on 14 May 2007 at 1:35 pm Karen

    Wow, Charlie, breathe easy. I never said I had nothing to say about the explicit mainstream music…but most that stuff isn’t funny, and why would I comment on something I don’t listen to? I mean this is a site for comedy.

    This song, is no good, and the only reason it is on the air is because it has the word “God” in it about three times, and the word “gospel” in it once. It’s every bit as selfish and egocentric as any mainstream song, they just try to cover it up.

    And I think THAT is hilarious.

    Relax. I’ll bet you my last lonely dollar the Newsboys are still getting their six hours a day of playtime on your local Christian station, regardless of what I post on a comedy blog. πŸ˜‰

    ps: Andie, I wasn’t saying Christians are idiots, I’m saying that some of them are mistaken, and that their music is lacking…also, you should check your Bible, because I can’t seem to find anything you’re talking about in mine…weird, huh.

    [translation: I had no idea that posting an article that made fun of a song would start an internet holy war. I feel regret]

  8. on 14 May 2007 at 1:38 pm Karen

    furthermore,

    HOLLA BACK, THE DENTIST, LOLZ

  9. on 14 May 2007 at 1:50 pm Jennifer

    Charlie – I completely agree! I would much rather hear my seven year old sing something simple like “I am a friend of GOD” than a song that is filled with sexual innuendo.

    I actually heard a 7-8 year old boy karaoke to the song “smack that” in a roomful of parents and kids at a restaurant. The kicker is that His mother was actually standing behind him cheering him on. Gee that is something to be real proud of.

    And people wonder what is wrong with society today.

  10. on 14 May 2007 at 1:51 pm Chris Reeder

    I agree, some Christian bands stink!!! But not all. No more than all secular band stinking… Both have good and bad.

    For some awesome Christian bands… check out Thousand Foot Krutch, Anberlin, Barlow Girl, Flyleaf, Kutless, Project 86, Family Force 5, Third Day, Seventh Day Slumber, and Switchfoot.

  11. on 14 May 2007 at 2:01 pm Brian Madigan

    Yeah christian music makes me choke.
    I grew up catholic, which was nice because everyone knows
    – church is full of catholic girls
    – catholic girls, aching to sin

    I do a lot of death metal stuff, mostly morbid, disgusting lyrics. So this ‘holler back’ kind of stuff. Ew, can’t handle it. I liked the article, right on.

    [translation: I make insulting generalizations, but I have a sense of humor]

  12. on 14 May 2007 at 2:20 pm Bob

    I must admit that I agree with your view of most mainstream “Christian” music today. The true message of the cross has been lost in the push to be commercial and popular.

  13. on 14 May 2007 at 4:49 pm Sai Baba

    Outside Gregorian Chants, Christian music sucks and singing rock/rap/country songs about Jesus are hilarious because they are so f’n dumb! They really are on a par with the nationalistic songs that pop up every so often. I would be horrified if any of my children came home singing Christian songs.

    With so many Christians in our society it’s no wonder we have the problems we do. Thank God for atheism!

    [translation: I can blame a single group of people for all society’s problems! Also, check out my suave irony!]

  14. on 14 May 2007 at 7:27 pm Jay

    Christianity and it’s mindless followers are the real comedic element here.

    [translation: I’m so open minded, I’m allowed to mock the “close-minded” and ignore the irony]

  15. on 14 May 2007 at 11:27 pm Chloe

    I think it is for none of us to judge the lyrics based on what we feel and think because maybe they guys in the NewsBoys band have a different and wider/broader understanding of God. I mean, God is God no matter what, but He shows Himself differently to every individual. No one is exactly like the next guy and God is no respecter of persons. I think Charlie is correct on his assessment. Let’s start judging the right things and leave the good alone. There are ENOUGH enemies of good out there, we don’t need more.

    [translation: because Karen bashed a song in an attempt to be funny, she is an enemy of good]

  16. on 15 May 2007 at 7:52 am Ron S

    Go Charlie! You’ve got it right on.

    Do you feel better now, Karen? Has pwning a Christian rock band given you your own ego trip? I had to squint hard to make it to the end of the article.

    @Jay: comedic element? If you want to go there, let’s talk about the element of stupidity and slapstick, pasted all over your comment.

    [translation: I can’t tell the difference between an article poking fun at a band’s weaker song to make people laugh, and a tirade.]

  17. on 15 May 2007 at 11:50 am Jennifer

    “Thank God for atheism”

    Well how interesting Sai Baba…………
    Don’t think I have come across that quote before.

  18. on 15 May 2007 at 12:15 pm Karen

    Ego trip? I guess not. I just knew the song, and thought it was funny despite itself. It was either this, or one of Avril Lavigne’s song that’s been getting on my nerves lately. The fact that it’s a Christian song wasn’t really the point, though it did help add to the hilarity, I think. I doubt they care I wrote it, which makes it not a “PWN” and more a “hay guys, look what I think and don’t get into internetz fights pleez, oops too late.”

    And maybe the NBs do have a…broader understanding of God? That wasn’t the point either. The song just sucks, and it’s sort of my constitutional right to think so. Just like it’s NBs fans’ right to like a song I think sucks! πŸ˜€ Freedom!

  19. on 15 May 2007 at 9:56 pm Danny

    Thank you to whoever provided translations.

    And if I may copy and paste a random quote …

    “Arguing on the internet is like being in the Special Olympics because even if you win you’re still retarded.” – don’t know.

  20. on 15 May 2007 at 10:26 pm The Wolf

    Ok I get it your not into the whole “Christianity” thing. But before you go bashing the songs…stop and read between the lines. Did you know that in fact during their last tour the “Newsboys” noticed that all those things happen in the cities and communities they play at. Did you know that this is one song on a cd that has 10 other song’s on it…did you know that as I don’t agree with all the christian artist out there I would much rather listen to a song about “Chapped lips, chap stick, and things like chemistry” (Reliant K) than to hear about Nelly screwing some girl and John Mayer doing a new drug. At least Christian music has a message. Does Justin Timberlakes song “Sexy Back” have a postive message…no it doen’t. But thank you for reminding women that they need to be skinny and almost naked with a dd rack, and shake their butts in some guys face before they will be noticed. Personally I think you need to stop and listen to what is going through your head when you listen to this stuff. Ever wonder why you fell so depressed sometimes…or why you feel so angry…maybe just maybe it’s the music you’ve been listing to. HMMMMMMMM

    [translation: I assume Karen dislikes Christianity because she dislikes one Christian song, and I don’t agree with her picking on this particular song. I’ve also noticed that music can influence mood.]

  21. on 16 May 2007 at 2:23 am Jonathan007

    I never heard this song before, but you must understand that people are not perfect. I saw nothing terribly wrong with this song, they did not swear, they did not talk about anything bad. And although in the articles above KAREN said she knew about other groups that were bad but we’re “not talking about them right now”, I still would like to bring that up again as Charlie did. You see, Christians, ought not compare themselves to the world, but you cannot say that Christians must be perfect either, because although Christians serve God, they are HUMAN. Besides, look at all the other great music they’ve written. I like their songs and their lyrics and I continue to listen to them today.
    J

    [translation: I also disagree with Karen’s picking on this song to be funny. Also, she should stop picking on Christians, even though this is the first time she’s ever picked on anything here, and it was only one song, not a whole religion. Christians should not be criticized, but other people should be, and what do you mean, Matthew 7:3?]

  22. on 17 May 2007 at 6:40 pm CheeseDuck

    Whatevers..
    I dont see whats so offensive..
    Its only ONE song..
    But Im just a agnostic.

  23. on 18 May 2007 at 3:14 am Jay

    OK so I haven’t read through the board so please excuse any previous postings and my ignorance to such. With that said He is right

    Comparatively speaking Christian music can suck. Ok so I am a Christian and I hate country music. Saying that though I have started listening to Country music and I have come to appreciate it almost more. IT is a VERY sad day when I turn to country to listen to Christian songs. IE Josh Turner, Carrie Underwood. So point taken about Christian Music. I thank you personally for bringing a thing like this to light. I am offended that Christians in general are not more open minded to the things of the world and open minded to the things of Christianity. We as Christians have been called to reach out and what has happened is we have become passive to people and our songs and other things and offended by (ie someone like yourself pointing this stuff out) the dumbest things. I really think we need a pulse check because honestly at the rate we are going the church is sick and dying and the people in the world are thriving. THAT is not the way it is supposed to be happening. Anyway it’s ok with me if you want to bash something that is not doing it’s job. Thank you for not bashing my God

    Jay

  24. on 29 May 2007 at 4:44 pm Olivia

    Umm..The song “Wherever we Go” is written about the 12 apostles, not the group itself. If you look in the book of Acts in the Bible you will find that wherever Jesus and the apostles went, people followed to hear the message of God. The Newsboys were merely bragging about the 12 apostles from a different perspective, they didn’t actually mean that they bring a party wherever they go. So I guess you wasted 11 paragraohs ranting about nothing. lol. At least a few people got a good laugh out of it.
    -Olivia

  25. on 29 May 2007 at 4:45 pm Olivia

    *paragraphs

  26. on 29 May 2007 at 4:58 pm Olivia

    Also, I think you convienently forgot the part of the song where it talks about spreading the gospel and bringing life to the dead.

  27. on 08 Jun 2007 at 5:33 pm Stev3

    not all Christian music is that bad. These are all professing Christians: Check out The Fray, Mat Kearney, Demon Hunter, Anberlin, Audio Adrenaline, KJ52, Toby Mac, and many others – look then up on wikipedia. and as for the one song out of dozens you listed: here are some lines I like:

    one written just for you: “Wherever we go, the dumb get wise”

    and some others:

    Wherever we’re led
    All the Living Dead
    Wanna leave their Zombie Mob
    It’s a touching scene when they all come clean
    God help us, we just love our job

    this is a message we spread
    bringing life to the dead
    this is a good news exposed
    follows wherever we go

    I say again, that is one song out of dozens they wrote. And other bands (U2, NIN are the first that come to mind) what written other songs that sound far worse.

  28. on 13 Jul 2007 at 6:26 pm Emily

    OMG! That is so funny! Those are pretty pathetic lyrics even if they are about the twelve apostles… I remember the Newsboys back from a long time ago… my Dad literally dragged my sister by the hair into that concert. I actually like a lot of Christain music. Relient K etc…there are some really good ones out there…but Newsboys = lame.

  29. on 13 Jul 2007 at 6:26 pm Chrissi

    I usually like this website- i view every once in a while and agree with some of your topics, but I feel that you were SEVERELY overcritical in this case. I am hurt because of what you have said. That is one of my favorite songs on K-Love-my Christian radio station. I feel that you do not understand the song. It is NOT magical powers that they are talking about! It is the power of God. I ask that you please remove the article from this site, for it is hurtful to A-LOT of christians everywhere. Please e-mail me at sugarcookie1813@yahoo.com God bless you!!!
    p.s. try Superchick!

  30. on 14 Jul 2007 at 3:29 pm Karen

    Sigh…

    Okay. So apparently, this is just not going to die.

    I don’t like this song. This does NOT mean I do not like Christianity, or that I do not like Christians, or that I do not like the Newsboys. It means I do not like this song.

    I didn’t conveniently forget about the word “gospel” and the references to zombies in the song either. They just didn’t redeem the song for me. If this song is about the apostles, I still don’t like it. Besides, by the time the apostles were spreading the gospel, things were less than a party. Unless by “party” they mean “jail time” and by “bees behaving” they mean “getting stoned to death for their beliefs.”

    It’s not a great song. They tried. It doesn’t work for me.

    But I did get a kick out of being called anti-Christian for this… how do you think I got hired at a Christian-owned, church-funded charity thrift store where I heard this song in the first place?

    Holla back.

  31. on 22 Jul 2007 at 11:31 am David

    Just because the newsboys had one bad song doesn’t make them terrible. Try listening to some other songs on the record. I own it and its actually pretty good. Or try some of their older music. One bad song, and it isn’t even that bad, and everybody just starts railing on it. Come on.

  32. on 22 Jul 2007 at 8:14 pm Karen

    Or, I can go ahead and judge a whole band for one song because I feel like it. Can the discussion end now please?

  33. on 27 Aug 2007 at 2:04 pm Chris

    dude, u are so messed up, that song by the newsboys is like one of the best CHristian songs right now. Maybe you should step outside and look at God’s creation that the newsboys are complimenting. Maybe we should put YOU in the ozone layer, but then it wouldn’t show any improvement because of your soory self. Lighten up dude, and look deeper into the lyrics. The Newsboys have deep and complex lyrics, and only the shallow people out there have a problem with them….WAKE UP!!!

    [Translation: I state my opinions like fact, insult people I disagree with, and wish harm on them, because that’s how I show off my Christianity. I also don’t seem to grasp the concept of a keyboard.]

  34. on 27 Aug 2007 at 5:04 pm Karen

    Okay, I get it. All points have been made.

    Discussion now closed. Any post after this one will be deleted, because I’m tired of this stupidity junking up my inbox.

  35. on 20 Feb 2008 at 11:36 am njeri

    cool

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