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Did you know that you can buy fruit (and other food) from I’m sure the fruit tastes great, but after reading a few customer reviews I was laughing too hard to consider buying anything. Here are a few of my favorites, directly from Amazon:

Chiquita Bananas:

BananasThese are good for eating, but they are VERY UNSUITABLE FOR SURGICAL PROCEDURES. It seems as if they just can’t hold a sharp enough edge to incise human skin.

No plot, terrible cover … I can’t see how stuff like this gets published. (in a reply: I don’t know…I found it quite a-PEEL-ing!)

I should note that while banana skins are not addictive, there is some chance of experiencing mild withdrawal symptoms after prolonged heavy use (muscle aches, chills, etc). Certainly not anything in the realm of heroin or morphine withdrawal though.

Ring Ring Ring Ring goes the Banana phone – i like to wear the peel as a hat.

California Green Seedless Grapes:

GrapesUnlike the banana, the california green seedless grape fits perfectly into one’s nostril. I only give this item four stars, however, because it’s difficult to retain its original shape and texture AND remove it from said nostril.

California’s ‘Green Seedless Grapes, 1 lbs’ lacks the lyrical punch of their first album (‘Avocados, 1 Each’)

I once tried to reverse engineer grapes by soaking raisins in water for 6 months … Don’t make the mistake I did and think that you can play God with grapes.

Someone said that these would make excellent broomball shoes, which are very hard to find and expensive. They were wrong!

Fresh Vine Ripe Tomatoes:

TomatoesRipoff – I thought my Fresh Vine Ripe Tomatoes would come whole. Instead, as you can see from the graphic, I received five whole tomatoes and one that had already been cut in half.

Not Very Deadly – Despite being a member of the Solanaceae or often-deadly nightshade family (native to the Americas), I find tomatoes to be relatively friendly.

As a side note, tomato put the “T” in BLT.

Fresh Spanish Onions

OnionAir Freshener – This is best used when chopped into little pieces and spread copiously throughout the house. It leaves a lovely aroma that will have your guests talking!

Boycott these onions! They are taking away all the jobs from perfectly good white onions!

Two weeks ago I saw these onions out behind the Denny’s on 81st. They were speaking perfect English. Not a hint of a Spanish accent. Then just yesterday I was at a rendition of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and I saw one of them pretending to be German. It’s all a SHAM!!! These are simple American onions trying to be pretentious and pass themselves off as something exotic. Don’t believe the hype!

You can read hundreds of other reviews on each fruit’s page (Bananas, Onions, Tomatoes, and Grapes). Many of the other fresh products on Amazon also have interesting reviews. If I missed any great ones, let me know in a comment!

7 Responses to “Fresh Fruit at”

  1. on 02 Mar 2007 at 12:25 pm BOSSY

    Clearly all the ex-cast members of Saturday Night Live have found a new home in mail-order food reviews.

  2. on 02 Mar 2007 at 4:47 pm Antik

    In the future will offer you intimate services, which will include overnight delivery, free to the door :))

  3. on 02 Mar 2007 at 8:32 pm Bunk

    Another one has been going on for years at Amazon. You can enjoy more customer reviews if you look for “Tuscan Whole Milk 128 fl. oz.”

  4. on 03 Mar 2007 at 2:31 pm Mike Lee

    That’s awesome!! HAHAHAHA!

  5. on 04 Mar 2007 at 12:25 pm Gymn

    I thoguht this one was funny.

    I tried changing the setting to English but it only had Spanish and French. Every time I plug in my headphones the shell peeled off. Changing the music sucked and it only gave me 3 hours of battery life. I was better off with an ipod or even a cheesy zune. Beware buyers this product sucks.

  6. on 06 Mar 2007 at 2:55 am Chris

    Thanks for passing this along!

  7. on 28 Mar 2007 at 4:52 pm Sueper

    I never thought I would get such a laugh lookin at amazon, Thank you so much for this

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