Merry Christmas everyone! Hopefully you’re getting a chance to enjoy your day off, spend time with your family, and keep away from these intertubes … unless of course you don’t like your family, in which case I hope you enjoy these silly Christmas jokes. If you have little kids, they may like some of these as well!

1st Guy: What do you think of this diamond ring I bought my wife?
2nd Guy: WOW! That rock is huge, but I thought she wanted that snazzy little red SUV?
1st Guy: She did, but where am I going to find a fake Jeep?

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Son to his mother: can I have a dog for Christmas?
Mom: No you can have turkey like everyone else!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!

What do you call a huge polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away as fast as you can

Whats the best thing to put in a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

Stumbled upon this photo today:

via

This morning, my son and I were playing Elmo’s Potty Time game on Sesame Street’s homepage. For some reason, he just loves this game, and gets so excited when the Sesame Street characters go to the bathroom. After about 10 minutes though, he decided he wanted to see a video, and said “Baby dancing video please!”

So I went to youtube, and this was the first funny dancing baby video:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

He just loved the video, and I’ll have to admit the baby is pretty cute. His mom must be a belly dancer for him to learn moves like that.

Notice anything out of the ordinary?

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

The other week, I heard a great comedy skit on the radio that was perfect for Christmas. The title was “Let’s put Christ back in Christmas”. I believe this was on NPR (or maybe I had just switched from NPR), so I was rather surprised when these Irish folk singers started singing … here’s approximately how it started:

Let’s put Christ back in Christmas
Right back where he belongs
Let’s keep him there for all to share
and back in your favorite Christmas songs

They were very serious up until this point, and then the one singer says “so, let’s insert Jesus back into Christmas carols … Pat, how bout the first one?” … which Pat followed up by singing:

Frosty the Snowman
Was Jesus Christ’s best friend
And he stood there melting by the Cross
Until the bitter end…

At which point I almost drove off the road. They then talked for a little and sung 5 or 6 other made-up Christmas carols. The rest of them were pretty funny too (and mostly nonoffensive), but can’t remember the lyrics for the life of me. If you have heard this bit (or want to make up your own songs), pass some along. Update: I found a production version of this song on YouTube … check it out here:

(if you can’t hear the song, click here)

I’d hate to leave anyone out, so while we’re putting Christ back in Christmas, let’s also put Han back in Hanukkah!

(via lmao.us)

For all of you signing off for the weekend, have a Merry Christmas (or hope you’ve enjoyed your Hanukkah)!

Over the past two months, we’ve received a surprising number of questions from all of you. These questions have ranged from the rather mundane (such as “can you plug my poker website” or “who are you?”), to those more appropriate for a site like ours (such as “what is the capital of Zanzibar” or “when can you start showing more pictures of butt cracks?”). While I have answered almost every question by e-mail, I decided to save a few to answer here.

Naf elggarf writes: “If you were a doozer, which one would you be?”
Answer: Hmmm … I’m assuming you mean the doozers from Fraggle Rock? I didn’t realize there were different ones! I’d probably be the angry one, preferably with the ability to fly, beat up fraggles (for wrecking all my doozer cities), and project lightning bolts from my eyes:

Gamer junkie writes: “I just found my older brother’s old Nintendo, any ideas on how I beat Soda Popinski in Punchout?”
Answer: You must have meant this for Ben, as I have NO idea what you’re talking about. My first guess is to spin around and punch him like crazy or make your trainer throw him a few Mr. Pibbs as a distraction tactic. If you want the secret code in Contra though, for some reason I remember that: Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Select-Start. Fire away.

Anonymous writes: “My wife says that I spend too much time on the computer, any suggestions on how to get her off my back?”
Answer: Something tells me you’re asking the wrong question to the wrong person. But if she’s actually hanging onto your back, maybe I can help. Unfortunately, by now she has probably read everything you’ve written and beaten you to a pulp. If not though, here’s a few suggestions to get her off:

• Walk into a locker room at a gym … if she’s still holding on, roll around for a little while in the showers. If the locker room is anything like those at Gold’s Gym, she’ll either run before your first forward roll, or disintegrate on contact (if you haven’t already, check out our top 10 things you wouldn’t want to hear in a locker room post for more locker room wrongness).
• Shave your back hair … I’ve learned that it’s much harder to grab a firm hold on a freshly shaved back. Don’t run out and buy a razor advertised specifically for this purpose, as your wife will probably see through your attempt (after all, she’d probably still be hanging onto your back at the store) and replace the razor with hair curlers to make her view slightly more pleasant.
• Stop at the bank then the mall. Make sure to walk by all her favorite stores. She’ll forget all about you soon enough. You’ll still get it at home, so while she’s gone you better look up a therapist who can actually provide you with some real help.

If you have other questions for us, send them along!

In addition to Nintendos and Playstations, this year’s big must have gift is the Tickle Me Elmo TMX. If you have little kids, you probably have heard of this hard to find toy, or are already learning to deplore it. And if you’re like most parents who’ve waited to get their hands on one, you may have come out empty handed.

If you’re in this unlucky bunch, I have good news for you: there’s now a whole line of knock-off dolls in almost limitless quantity. Mechanically, these dolls can do almost everything the TMX can … some of the sayings are, well, just a little different. Here’s the promotional video:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Anita told me to lay off the techie stuff for a little while, so hopefully this was more everyone’s speed. I love old Emo clips, so this spoof ad had me in stitches.

OK, this is WAY cheesy, but I thought some of you might enjoy … don’t say I didn’t warn you:

(if you can’t see, click here)

I could definitely see how some of those could come in handy …

On Jay Leno the other week, Jay was talking about first dates. During Jay’s ramblings, I realized that my last first date was over 10 years ago and that I’d now be the absolute worst person to ask for advice. I can’t imagine how little help I’ll be able to provide my son in another 10-15 years when he starts dating: “If you forget her name, don’t try to make up some cute fake name like ‘Poopsie’ for her.”

While I’d be worthless as a dating coach, I realized I was very good at recognizing the key components for a BAD first date. In particular, phrases that would take a first date from sparks to ashes instantly. Here are my top 10:

10. Don’t worry, the Doctor says it’s just a rash…

9. When we get married we should …

8. Toothpaste? What’s that???

7. You don’t want to know what the voices are saying about you right now.

6. Oh, I’ve had tons of first dates, but golly-gee, I have a feeling you’re gonna be my first second date ever!

5. When I was a woman I …

4. I realize this might seem a little sudden given that we just met … but could I borrow six hundred and fifty three dollars?

3. Sorry I’m late, me and the wife just had a big fight.

2. Do you mind if I record any of this?

1. My Dad says I’m the best kisser in the county (anyone know what movie this is from?)

Bonus: I’m a ventriloquist, mind if I bring my sidekick?

(thanks to Mikipedia for the pic)

Your turn … Have any other good ones?

Whenever I go to cities, I am typically appalled by the amount of graffiti on buildings, sidewalks, buses, etc. Some of it is artistic, but most of it seems to be filled with anger, cursing, and genuine unoriginality. This is why I was happy to find a few examples of graffiti that I thought were pretty funny:

At least they’re truthful:

They sure do … although I would have said “like bunnies”

To make sure someone takes a picture of your graffiti, do this:

The yin and yang of the graffiti world:

Nerd graffiti (from Tucows):

Just a cool graffiti illusion:

via