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Archive for December, 2006

Here’s a mesmerizing little time-lapsed video I found on YouTube. It condenses 12 hours of activity at a Panama Canal lock to one minute. The Benny Hill theme music adds a nice touch:

(I’m just reposting a video from Digg, so if you like it please give the original video credit by Digging here instead of digging my post)

A little Medical Humor

If you’ve frequented doctors’ offices, you may have found (as I have) that most doctors are pretty funny. In fact, I’ve found there to be an inverse relationship between the price of the office visit and the comedic strength of a doctor’s conversation – the more you pay, the funnier (s)he gets … and vice versa.

I believe they call this the Hypocrit’s Oath (not to be confused with the Hippocratic Oath): “I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Risus, and Ulterius that I shall not strip patients of large sums of money without telling them at least one good joke. If they cannot pay, I swear that I will resort to jokes such as ‘Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure’* to assuade any discontent and release the bonds on their purses.”
*) Apparently this means: “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” Latin experts, correct me if I’m wrong.

So here are a few jokes that I’ve heard either directly from, or about, doctors over the past few weeks:

Woman in room 219
A woman telephoned Memorial Hospital, and quietly asked: “Hello, can I please speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?”
The nurse she was transferred to replied, “I’d be happy to help, what’s the patient’s name and room?”
Woman: “Thank you dear, her name is Anna Decker, room 219.”
Nurse: “I have wonderful news for you then! She is doing very well, her blood test came back normal, her heart is fine, and her doctor said she’ll probably be able to go home on Tuesday.”
Woman: “What a relief, thanks for the information!”
Nurse: “Of course, would you like to come in visit Anna, is she your sister?”
Woman: “No, I’m Anna Decker in 219 … nobody tells me squat!”

Don’t overestimate patient intelligence
A woman came running into the emergency room screaming “help help, my little girl is allergic to insect bites and she just swallowed a bunch of ants!” An attendant came over and after finding that the girl had only eaten 5 or 6 ants reassured her that she would be fine, and asked that the woman just take a seat and wait to make sure the girl didn’t show any signs of a reaction. The woman replied: “oh, so you’re saying I didn’t need to give Clara that ant poison to kill the ants she ate?”
(as ridiculous as the situation is, what’s not funny is that some parents are actually that dumb)

If you can’t read it, ask
A woman took her baby into the pediatrician for an earache. The baby was crying hysterically, so he quickly prescribed ear drops and just told the woman to follow the directions. On the prescription, he wrote “2 drops in right ear, every four hours”. To save time, he abbreviated “right” by just writing an R.

A few days later the woman took the baby back in to see the doctor, and the baby was still screaming. The doctor asked “what happened, haven’t you followed the prescription?” The woman, exasperated, replied “Yes, I have the empty bottle right here … doc, I don’t what you were trying to pull, but now I have a baby with an earache a really greasy bottom from all those drops.”

The doctor, trying to hold back laughter, looked at the bottle and sure enough saw the following on the label:
warning label

And finally, a silly/gross one I just made up:
When he finally came home, Billy asked his dad: “Where’ve you been all day?”
Dad: “Well son, first I had to have a prostate exam and then had a few drinks afterward to unwind.”
Billy: “So instead of lollipops the doctors gave you juice?”
Dad: “Well, I guess you could say the doctor gave me something else instead of a lollipop, then I got juice when it was over.”
The next week, Billy’s mom took him into the doctors for his annual checkup. On the way to the office, Billy grabbed a lollipop and as he entered the room and handed the lollipop to Dr. Leppo, saying: “Here you go, give me a prostate exam, and make it juicy.”

Eeeewwwww. Maybe I should stick with other people’s jokes? 😉

What happens when a golf ball is sent hurtling towards everyday objects at ridiculously high speeds? These incredible slow motion videos from Nike show the explosive results.

Mayonnaise:
(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Cantaloupe:
(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Poor bunny!
(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Birthday cake:
(if you can’t see the video, click here)

My favorite – Jello mold:
(if you can’t see the video, click here)

For some reason I found most of these to be just as funny as they are interesting. What did you think?

Who’s under your Mistletoe?

When you see Mistletoe at a Christmas party, do you grab your spouse and sneak a kiss? While doing so, do you wonder who else has stood under the Mistletoe? I have, even though I always thought the whole Mistletoe thing was a silly tradition.

After seeing this funny commercial from Canada, maybe this year I’ll just skip the Mistletoe altogether (turn your speakers on for this one):

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

Marriage vs. Dating

“You know, I guess it’s just tough to feel romantic when your wife is busy smelling your pits.”

No joking, that was one of the last phrases I heard this evening before coming downstairs to write. Situations like these must only happen to old married couples. Can you imagine a teen in this situation? They’d be mortified:

Mom: So Billy, how was the movie with Sally?
Billy: Ummm … I don’t really want to talk about it.
Mom: Huh? What happened? Was it just a bad movie? Sally’s such a nice girl.
Billy: Look, I don’t even know! We didn’t watch the whole thing … Sally’s a freak. She insisted on smelling my armpits before I put my arm around her. Next Friday I think I’ll just chat with FoxyLady23 on MySpace instead.

becca's armpit smells like birthday cake!
(thanks to jen dunlap for the “Becca’s armpit smells like birthday cake” picture)

How does something go from being mortifying to commonplace? Aging and marriage I guess. What’s bad is that I’m not even old, and have only been married 5 years. What will our conversations be like in another 5 years? Right now, I cringe at the thought … which is why we’ve decided to change the status of our relationship. No, we’re not going to move to a couples colony in Montana, but from now on we’re going to be “married and exclusively dating” instead of just “married”.

Our theory is that by labeling our relationship as “married and exclusively dating”, we’ll ward off all the side effects of becoming old married couples while retaining the benefits of both dating and marriage. It’s our shield against boredom, long nights in front of the TV, body odor checks, dutch ovens, four o’clock dinners, and medical background trivia. OK, so maybe guarding against these hallmarks of marriage is futile, but at least we can try.

Am I alone on this one, or do these things happen to all married couples?

Final Contest update!

Our Identify the Picture contest is entering its last week. The new pictures are now pretty easy, and include the final clue, so vote quickly before someone else guesses all 5 pictures.

For example, here’s one of the tougher pictures from last week and the same picture today:

Last week:
pic 5 before
Not for the meek
What is that inside?
You like dogs too?
This week:
pic 5
clues:
Not for the meek
What is that inside?
You like dogs too?
Think mustard would go with that?

We’ll announce our winner next week, but even if you think someone has already won you can still guess. Remember, only your final guess counts. The most accurate guess as of next Thursday will win the $20 (or super secret mystery prize). Plus, we’ll pull out the funniest bonus picture guesses and give props to the authors (and their websites if they provided them).

Click here to go to the contest and enter your guesses.

This week’s best “News of the Weird” story takes us to Nashville, Tennessee, where a woman’s flatulence caused an American Airlines flight to make an emergency landing yesterday. No, this is not a story from The Onion. It actually came across the AP news wire and was run by most major news outlets.

When I first read the headline, this was my first thought:
flatulence on plane
(and my first go at photoshop as you can probably tell)

While the flatulence was technically the root cause, the pilot did not make the emergency landing due to a lack of breathable air. Instead, the woman had a medical condition that caused really bad gas. This would have been a great alibi had the odor alone caused the plane to land.

So what forced the plane to land? Her cover-up attempt. Once thoroughly embarrassed by her drifters, the gassy woman reached into her purse and started lighting matches to cover up the odor. Hint to those who haven’t been on a plane before … creating fires at 35,000 feet is an easy way to get in A LOT of trouble. After landing, the woman was detained by the FBI, and (surprisingly) was quickly let go without any fines, although she was banned from flying American “for a long time”.

You can read the whole story right here. An anonymous fan asked that we give credit to Okie for finding this little gem – Thanks!

peter potty urinalEvery once in a while, you see a product that is so unique you just have to share it with everyone (as always, this is not an ad). Tonight my brother and sister-in-law sent me a link to this Peter Potty baby training urinal. It is billed as “the world’s only flushable toddler urinal”, and can be “wall or floor mount” to “provide your little guy with a real ‘stand up’ experience”.

Since my brother is now asleep, I have no idea if they were sending it as a joke, or because it advertises to “achieve success 6 months faster”. Either way, it’s pretty funny (at least to someone like me who has a baby), even if the potty does deliver on its promised success.

For my son, I have a hunch that this wouldn’t work so well. He loves baths/showers/water, so a wall-mounted plastic flushable urinal would probably be his favorite toy ever. I can just imagine him squatting down in it, reaching up, and pushing the flush button repeatedly while laughing hysterically. Or even worse, trying to wash his hair in it!

If you have little kids, would you buy one of these (or do you have one already)?

And now for something completely different … the guy in this video (Clay Bavor) made a portrait of Lincoln using only a photograph, sorting cups (to separate colors), and 1,702 pennies. Check it out:


(If you can’t see the video, click here. Thanks to Pennylicious for the link!)

We’ll switch back to humor mode tonight/tomorrow, but we thought this was too cool not to share.

Funny Google search phrases

If you run a website, you’ve probably looked through the logs to see how people reached your site. Out of curiousity today, I checked how people reached Say No to Crack from Google. Given that we’re a humor site (or at least try to be), I was expecting something random and funny. I wasn’t let down.

Bart at Blackboard

First, here’s a few searches that made sense:

  • Crazy celebrity baby names – Wow … we had a post entitled What’s up with Crazy celebrity baby names! Funny how that works. 😉
  • Say No to Crack – A much more popular search phrase than we’d expect.
  • Kung fu baby – Yes, we posted a video of a Kung Fu Baby. Pretty funny/cute little baby.

There were also some search phrases that certainly were a bit of a stretch:

  • Redneck contest pictures – We never used the term ‘redneck’, which means there must be a shortage of Redneck Contests. If you have a site and want extra readers, this may be your ticket to internet stardom.
  • Would you want to be immortal? – We did ask you What superpower would you Choose, but it seems like a strange question to ask Google.
  • Free geometry websites for 9th graders – This was my biggest surprise. Over 500 people searching for something related to Geometry landed on our page in the past 7 days alone. Hopefully these students found other sites as well, as our High School Geometry Test probably didn’t help them improve their grades!

Now the funny ones. There were over a thousand searchers who typed in something completely random to get here. These must be the folks who scroll to page 387 of the Google search results and randomly pick a site, since most of these have NOTHING to do with Say No to Crack:

  • did your wife really fart – I’m sure we don’t have the answer!
  • pictures of really funny looking monkeys – luckily none of us posted our pictures, or this person would have had what they wanted
  • top 100 things yoda might say in bed – such as “Yessss, forget to brush my teeth I did”?
  • what would it look like to have your sinuses ripped out – YUCK!
  • how to send subliminal messages on myspace“be my friend”, “be my friend”, “be my friend” always works for me
  • pregnant fart gas – 2 people actually typed in this one, I don’t even want to know why
  • marry your cousin – looking for a how to?
  • how to say aunt in norwegian – apparently it is tanten, now you know (haha on me: a Norwegian reader pointed out it’s “tante”)
  • my farts stink – and they were trying to find out who else shares their ‘problem’?
  • what happens when you dont bath – a hint: limburger cheese can be cultivated from humans too
  • how do you make real friends – possibly from the same kid who asked the prior question?
  • elvis is the worst roommate – pmmm … this person seems to have insider information
  • delete friends harddrive practical joke – suuuurrre … sounds like a nice harmless little prank

What did you think? Also, if you have a website and check these statistics, do you get equally random keyword search referrals through Google, or were these particularly strange?

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