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I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, primarily because I know I’d never keep them. This year I’ve decided I’m going to make 10 resolutions that I’ll personally be able to keep, and wanted to share them with you:

10. I will not eat shark, at least in any form other than soup

9. I will cut my hair at least once during 2007

8. I will remember to eat at least once each day, unless I’m fasting, in which case I’ll remember not to eat

7. I will quack like a duck at least once each day (only applies to those days where I wake up as a duck)

6. If I see another UFO or am abducted, I will keep it to myself instead of being ridiculed again on national TV

5. If a dog bites me, I will not bite it back unless it is smaller than me and has short hair that will not get caught in my teeth

4. If I ever receive it, I will trade in the AK-47 I was offered by an Afghani vigilante via e-mail for a Blendtec blender (or a Jack Lalanne juicer, whichever the local pawn shop has in-stock at the time)

3. I will not use any words I don’t understand to sound smart unless they are from dead languages (or French) where nobody could possibly be offended by my blatant misuse

2. I will not eat pumpkin pie with whipped cream while taking a shower … if the craving persists, I’ll take two showers and eat each separately

1. If I see a monkey for sale, I will not buy it. Even if it is really really affordable and offers to pay his own way when hitting the local hot spots

Happy New Year everyone! :)

13 Responses to “Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. on 31 Dec 2006 at 8:41 pm Salihah

    Gosh your blog is so funny! I added you to my Technorati favorites!!

  2. on 31 Dec 2006 at 8:42 pm Mr. Fabulous

    I LOVE the alien abduction. I am becoming addicted to all the anal probings…

    Happy New year, my friend!

  3. on 31 Dec 2006 at 11:16 pm Diesel

    I think you’ve got a good shot at following through on these. It’s always the monkey that gets me.

  4. on 01 Jan 2007 at 2:07 am Malnurtured Snay

    I have the tough resolutions … clean my apartment, finish my degree, lose weight … so I threw in a couple of easy ones. “Shower at least once.” I think I’ll go take care of that one in the morning.

  5. on 01 Jan 2007 at 3:11 am Catch

    Hi Anita!
    Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. I love your blog! Its hysterical!!! Im gonna link it! Happy New Year!

  6. on 01 Jan 2007 at 4:48 am eastcoastlife

    Have a rewarding & happy new year!!!!

  7. on 01 Jan 2007 at 5:03 am Lisa

    Ok, that worked for laughs. That’s a great way to make resolutions, ones you know for sure you won’t fail on LOL

    (Reckon, you should buy the monkey though, regardless of how much it is ok? They’re always good to blame if you mess up somewhere along the line, just sayin’)

  8. on 01 Jan 2007 at 7:47 am Malnurtured Snay

    Anita – you should sign up for “Blogtimore”, a blog aggregator. I go to TU, btw. Howdy, neighbor!

  9. on 01 Jan 2007 at 12:25 pm Ben

    Quite Funny….!! I really liked the point #1 :-)

  10. on 01 Jan 2007 at 2:42 pm Dan

    Anita, these are hilarious! I would have no trouble keeping any of these, except for this one (I will cut my hair at least once during 2007).

    I won’t let myself go near my hair. In fact, whenever I have scissors in my hand, I don a construction helmet.

    Happy New Year and thanks for all of the laughs in 2006! Love, Dan

  11. on 01 Jan 2007 at 6:26 pm wolfe

    Happy New Year all, and Anita. I can’t keep (10).

    Mmm…. tasty shark.


  12. on 01 Jan 2007 at 8:13 pm Anthony

    Lol, that’s too funny….

    Journey Through Divorce

  13. on 02 Jan 2007 at 3:01 pm Michael

    Verrry nice. I wish I had thought of these myself.

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