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Chuck Norris “facts”

chuck norrisI’m told that if you don’t live in a bubble, a third world country with no electricity, or a zoo, that you have probably heard the silly Chuck Norris “facts” circulating the internet and on TV. Apparently I’m completely removed from society, as I was surprised and amused when I stumbled across a series of these “facts”. Below is a small sampling … sure, Chuck Norris plays a tough guy on TV, but not exactly this tough:

  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
  • They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
  • While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  • Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
  • If You Have 5 Dollars And Chuck Norris Has 5 Dollars… Chuck Norris Has More Money Than You.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
  • Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
  • When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
  • Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  • Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

My apologies if you’ve heard these before. Once I started searching, I found that there must be hundreds of these facts … if you’ve heard others that you like (or would like to make up your own), I’d love to hear them.

11 Responses to “Chuck Norris “facts””

  1. on 13 Dec 2006 at 8:15 pm Sirron kcuhc

    My favorites:

    *There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard, only another fist.
    *On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    *Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

  2. on 14 Dec 2006 at 1:34 pm Diesel

    Man, I don’t know if I’m just easily amused today or what, but I’m laughing my head off. Makes me want to come up with some:

    – If Chuck Norris was ever reincarnated, he’d come back as Chuck Norris.

    – Chuck Norris’ spleen is stronger than your quadraceps.

    – If they ever made a movie called the Chuck Norris Story, Chuck Norris would play all the roles and it would be 1,000 years long.

    – When Chuck Norris goes on vacation, he travels back in time and wins the Vietnam War.

    – When Chuck Norris sleeps, he dreams other universes into existence.

    Ok, I think I’m done now. My 7th grade teacher claimed he was a black belt and studied with Chuck, btw.

  3. on 14 Dec 2006 at 1:56 pm Favu

    “Check Norris”

    Typo?

  4. on 16 Dec 2006 at 2:21 pm Milivoj

    More Chuck Norris goodness can be had here:

    http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris

  5. on 19 Feb 2007 at 7:14 am Ryan

    jessus walked on water…chuck norris swam through land

  6. on 14 Mar 2007 at 4:42 pm Bob

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    It took over 7 hours and 3 skill-saws to circumcise Chuck Norris. An umbrella was made from what was cut off. (He did it himself)

    Chuck Norris is the only man who can punch someone in the back of the face.

    Chuck Norris is God’s eleventh commandment.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father!

    According to Einsteins theory of reality chuck norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    One time Chuck Norris challenged god to a martial arts competition. chuck just looked at him and god started crying. Chuck got the gold.

    These are awesome

  7. on 20 Mar 2007 at 3:48 pm lior

    *chuck norris can slam a revolving door

    *chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding

    *chuck norris solved the question of what happens when an infinite force meets an unmoveable object when he kicked himself in the face

    *chuck norris’s tears can cure cancer. too bad he never cries….

    *when chuck norris gets into a lake chuck norris doesn’t get wet. the lake gets chuck norrised

  8. on 24 Mar 2007 at 7:45 am Kieran

    Chuck Norris once went back in time and roundhouse kicked himself in the face. He wanted to see what would happen if an irresistable force met an immovable object. The resulting paradox destroyed the earth and the solar system, except for Chuck Norris. God was super pissed and created Earth 2. God told Chuck not to do it again. Chuck promptly round house kicked God in the face, but agreed to his terms, only because God had a wicked beard.

  9. on 06 Apr 2007 at 9:01 pm Chuck norris toilet paper

    have you guys seen the chuck norris toilet paper? it’s pretty funny

  10. on 04 Apr 2008 at 3:40 pm Sami Younes

    Chuck Norris’ pencil doesn’t have an eraser. Chuck Norris does not make mistakes.

  11. on 24 Oct 2009 at 6:45 pm dominik treadway

    they say the boogeyman checks his closet every night for chuck norris. some tough men eat nails…..chuck norris does all of his grocery shopping at home depot.

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