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A little Medical Humor

If you’ve frequented doctors’ offices, you may have found (as I have) that most doctors are pretty funny. In fact, I’ve found there to be an inverse relationship between the price of the office visit and the comedic strength of a doctor’s conversation – the more you pay, the funnier (s)he gets … and vice versa.

I believe they call this the Hypocrit’s Oath (not to be confused with the Hippocratic Oath): “I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Risus, and Ulterius that I shall not strip patients of large sums of money without telling them at least one good joke. If they cannot pay, I swear that I will resort to jokes such as ‘Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure’* to assuade any discontent and release the bonds on their purses.”
*) Apparently this means: “I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.” Latin experts, correct me if I’m wrong.

So here are a few jokes that I’ve heard either directly from, or about, doctors over the past few weeks:

Woman in room 219
A woman telephoned Memorial Hospital, and quietly asked: “Hello, can I please speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?”
The nurse she was transferred to replied, “I’d be happy to help, what’s the patient’s name and room?”
Woman: “Thank you dear, her name is Anna Decker, room 219.”
Nurse: “I have wonderful news for you then! She is doing very well, her blood test came back normal, her heart is fine, and her doctor said she’ll probably be able to go home on Tuesday.”
Woman: “What a relief, thanks for the information!”
Nurse: “Of course, would you like to come in visit Anna, is she your sister?”
Woman: “No, I’m Anna Decker in 219 … nobody tells me squat!”

Don’t overestimate patient intelligence
A woman came running into the emergency room screaming “help help, my little girl is allergic to insect bites and she just swallowed a bunch of ants!” An attendant came over and after finding that the girl had only eaten 5 or 6 ants reassured her that she would be fine, and asked that the woman just take a seat and wait to make sure the girl didn’t show any signs of a reaction. The woman replied: “oh, so you’re saying I didn’t need to give Clara that ant poison to kill the ants she ate?”
(as ridiculous as the situation is, what’s not funny is that some parents are actually that dumb)

If you can’t read it, ask
A woman took her baby into the pediatrician for an earache. The baby was crying hysterically, so he quickly prescribed ear drops and just told the woman to follow the directions. On the prescription, he wrote “2 drops in right ear, every four hours”. To save time, he abbreviated “right” by just writing an R.

A few days later the woman took the baby back in to see the doctor, and the baby was still screaming. The doctor asked “what happened, haven’t you followed the prescription?” The woman, exasperated, replied “Yes, I have the empty bottle right here … doc, I don’t what you were trying to pull, but now I have a baby with an earache a really greasy bottom from all those drops.”

The doctor, trying to hold back laughter, looked at the bottle and sure enough saw the following on the label:
warning label

And finally, a silly/gross one I just made up:
When he finally came home, Billy asked his dad: “Where’ve you been all day?”
Dad: “Well son, first I had to have a prostate exam and then had a few drinks afterward to unwind.”
Billy: “So instead of lollipops the doctors gave you juice?”
Dad: “Well, I guess you could say the doctor gave me something else instead of a lollipop, then I got juice when it was over.”
The next week, Billy’s mom took him into the doctors for his annual checkup. On the way to the office, Billy grabbed a lollipop and as he entered the room and handed the lollipop to Dr. Leppo, saying: “Here you go, give me a prostate exam, and make it juicy.”

Eeeewwwww. Maybe I should stick with other people’s jokes? 😉

2 Responses to “A little Medical Humor”

  1. on 12 Dec 2006 at 7:54 am Nessa

    You have a sick mind; D

  2. on 27 Jan 2007 at 2:52 am geek

    “In fact, I’ve found there to be an inverse relationship between the price of the office visit and the comedic strength of a doctor’s conversation – the more you pay, the funnier (s)he gets … and vice versa.”

    That would be a direct relationship. Inverse is where the greater the horizontal [X] value (price), the lower the vertical [Y] value (comedic strength)

    look at graphs 1 and 3. 1 is direct, 3 is inverse.

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