I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, primarily because I know I’d never keep them. This year I’ve decided I’m going to make 10 resolutions that I’ll personally be able to keep, and wanted to share them with you:

10. I will not eat shark, at least in any form other than soup

9. I will cut my hair at least once during 2007

8. I will remember to eat at least once each day, unless I’m fasting, in which case I’ll remember not to eat

7. I will quack like a duck at least once each day (only applies to those days where I wake up as a duck)

6. If I see another UFO or am abducted, I will keep it to myself instead of being ridiculed again on national TV

5. If a dog bites me, I will not bite it back unless it is smaller than me and has short hair that will not get caught in my teeth

4. If I ever receive it, I will trade in the AK-47 I was offered by an Afghani vigilante via e-mail for a Blendtec blender (or a Jack Lalanne juicer, whichever the local pawn shop has in-stock at the time)

3. I will not use any words I don’t understand to sound smart unless they are from dead languages (or French) where nobody could possibly be offended by my blatant misuse

2. I will not eat pumpkin pie with whipped cream while taking a shower … if the craving persists, I’ll take two showers and eat each separately

1. If I see a monkey for sale, I will not buy it. Even if it is really really affordable and offers to pay his own way when hitting the local hot spots

Happy New Year everyone!

OK, so really just my first Dummies book cover ;). I probably wouldn’t know how to even write such a book, but I had fun making the cover:

(make your own here)

I thought this commercial was hilarious … almost wished it was a little longer (partly because I always liked “Happy Together” by The Turtles’:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

UPDATE - If you like this, you may also like our Yet Another Post-It note prank.

If your office is overflowing with thousands of extra post-it notes, then this harmless prank is perfect for you to pull on your boss (or anyone else in the office with an infatuation for their car):

Oh, that poor Jaguar!

Jaguar transformation in progress:

Finished car … that was a Jag?

At least the rear end is styling!

If there was a magazine for this type of thing:

You can see the entire transformation, from an unexciting Jaguar to the pimped-out Post-It mobile, right here.

My question is: what do you think they give the winner of this race?

(thanks burak yilmaz)

OK, hopefully this joke isn’t THAT dumb … Anita loves fart jokes, so here’s my contribution:

An older man and woman are sitting in the front pew at church when the old woman leans over and says “I just let out a silent fart, you think we should move?” “No” replied the elderly man, “I think it’s too late now, but once we leave here I suggest we stop at Walgreens to get you a replacement hearing aid battery.”

And if you’re in space, good words to live by:

Not one to follow popular opinion or conventional wisdom, President Bush demonstrates his firm belief that the heart is actually located right underneath his belly button:

via

After this picture was taken, reporters queried the President on his odd hand placement during the national anthem. The president had this response:

“Look here, heart disease is about as real as global warming and the Easter bunny. The U.S. needs to start thinking economenically, rather than wasting Billions chasing rabbits down fox holes. It’s high tide we instead put our eggs where our chickens are hatching. You see, I talk to dead soldiers everyday, or sometimes just watch them on The Google, and they make me realize that we need to stay the course instead of just spending money on ridiculous pork belly programs and human-interested stories.”

To demonstrate his commitment to this statement, he has also decided to withdraw the United Stated delegates from the International Academy of Cardiology, since he and his hand selected group of scientists have found no proof that the heart even exists, let alone that it can cause any problems.

Here’s some advice on how to keep your teenage son out of schoolyard fights:

1. If he has a real high voice, recommend that he not sing lead soprano in the middle school choir
2. If he insists on singing lead soprano, recommend that he does not sing anything entitled Queen of the Night or advertise that he’s singing a song from Mozart’s Magic Flute
3. If he still insists on singing this piece, recommend he at least not wear lederhosen while doing so
4. If he still persists, please leave him some dignity by not posting his performance on YouTube for all to see:

(Found via Neatorama … If you can’t see the video, click here)

Even if the kid did get picked on by his classmates, he’s still got one amazing voice. Wow.

Mark Stivers is a really funny cartoonist who primarily publishes online, but also has a book available through his website. Here are a few of his cartoons that I particularly liked, but I recommend visiting his site and checking out his many other funny cartoons as well:

Pavlov’s Dog:

Construction Worker:

Hardware Store:

I think I was the last person in the world to get a cell phone, and now I’m closing in on being the last to buy an mp3 player. Maybe if I pull Mark’s loose wires trick, nobody will notice.

Were you one of the lucky few to have a White Christmas this year? It rained ALL DAY at my house, but luckily we didn’t have to go anywhere (particularly since none of us could move after our deep fried turkey dinner, yum). For those of you that had a White Christmas, I hope you did something fun (like this Panda):