Subscribe Now!

Archive for October, 2006

Since our last set of jokes (Some blonde and wife jokes from a friend) received mixed reviews from our readers, I decided tonight that I’d post something completely different: silly kids’ jokes (we’ll post kids’ toilet humor jokes in the future).

Most of these are of the elementary school variety. Some you might have heard, others may be new. If you have kids, let us know how they liked these jokes – or send in your/their favorites:

How did the sand get wet?
The sea weed!

What’s yellow and sniffs?
A banana with the flu.

Why do the French like snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.

What is a ghost’s favorite ride?
A rollerghoster (sorry, I had to throw in one cheesy Halloween joke)

What did one traffic light say to the other?
Don’t look, I’m changing.

Perfect for a three to five year old:
You: Knock knock
Kid: Who’s there?
You (with gusto): Poop!
(that’s it – watch them roll in laughter … works every time)

What’s white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops?
A frog sandwich

And finally
Here’s a great one for a little kid to do to an unsuspecting adult, particularly for a precocious 5-6 year old with lots of energy and spunk. I have NO IDEA why it’s so funny, but I’ve seen it a couple times and couldn’t stop laughing:
Kid: Knock knock
Adult: Who’s there?
Kid: Chicken
Adult: Chicken … (kid would now interrupt and yell ‘CHICKEN!’ before the adult could finish asking ‘Chicken who’ – the surprise factor is 3/4th the fun. This is similar to the Poop one above but funnier for adults to hear)

(thanks to malingering for the picture)

Willy Wonka Weekend

If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably starting preparing for Halloween: candy, pumpkins, fake skeletons, 10 foot tall inflatable lawn ornaments, more candy, costumes (hopefully none from our list of this year’s 10 worst costumes), etc.

Do you also get in the “spirit” of Halloween by watching any Halloween movies? Scary movies like The Omen or Halloween, kids movies like The Black Cauldron or It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, or funny movies like So I Married an Axe Murderer or Scary Movie? For some reason, I’ve always equated Halloween with the original Willy Wonka (Johnny Depp is too Michael Jackson like) … probably because of all the candy and funny oompa loompa outfits.

Let us know how you get in a Halloween mood, and in the meantime enjoy one guy’s Halloween goofy homage to the Oompa Loompas:

(If you can’t see the video, click here)

Crazy e-bay feedback

Have you ever purchased something on eBay and been tempted to write completely ridiculous feedback after receiving the item (in case you didn’t know eBay encourages buyers/sellers to leave feedback after every purchase)? I’ve always wanted to do this, but never had the guts – particularly since I use my eBay account for work purchases.

I’ve pondered writing things like:

  • thanks for sending the underwear with the laserjet printer, fits snugly
  • i hope you look as good in person as in the included pictures, yum
  • works great, smells like limburger cheese – selling any nose plugs?

I’ve probably thought of 25 or 30 equally silly feedbacks over the past couple years, but tonight I stumbled upon what could be the greatest eBay feedback prankster ever – andy46477. This guy was a member in 1999, and only left nonsense/funny comments.

Here are some of my favorites:

  • If you can guess 3 of the foods in my retainer, I’ll send you a free VEGETABLE
  • I’ll bid on you til there’s nothing left but crumbs! Then I’ll bid on the crumbs
  • When I open boxes of cereal, you should be inside. Yes, you’re THAT GOOD!
  • I like my cars like I like my women – fast and expensive! Then I leave them
    Reply by 55chevy4: WHO IS THIS GUY ????????
  • Rotilla is a GOOD name for my wife. Don’t call her “Hey, STUMPY” again. EVER.
    Reply by hammerjammer: I don’t understand why this was left in the feedback section for me???
  • There was NO REASON for you to call my house and yell at my children. Still, A+
  • When life gives you a lemon, put it on eBay and I will bid on it.
  • You’re 15 genes short of HUMAN. But I mean that in a good eBay way. Yes I do!
  • Very polite, but I never spoke to him. Quick seller, yet I never bought. Hmmm.

You can read his entire eBay profile to find your own favorites here: eBay profile for andy46477. Have you ever received (or sent) funny/bizarre eBay comments? Like one of andy46477’s comments in particular? If so, let us know!

Over the years, we’ve seen some really bad halloween costumes. Many bad ones seem to be homemade – either the result of being in a hurry (ugly toilet paper mummies, bed sheet ghosts, pillow case human tampons) or of a hopefully momentary lack of judgement (nazi guard, giant sized costume, kkk member). I’m sure you’ve all seen these costumes and thought: “what were they thinking?

You have to give them some credit though – at least they made something on their own, and probably were just trying to be funny. But what about all the bad costumes that were actually bought?

Without further ado, here’s our top 10 worst store-bought costumes of 2006 – all of these can be purchased online or in stores. If you don’t believe me, click any picture to see a store that sells the costume (as you have probably guessed, we suggest you NOT purchase any of these products … we simply provide the link as evidence).

10. Milk Carton Head
Do you or your kids get jealous of all the facetime enjoyed by missing children on the side of milk cartons? Too lazy to cut a hole in a large jug of milk from the store? Lucky for you, costume manufacturers now provide this service for the bargain price of $21.99 (reward not included for finding your child after (s)he hides in embarassment).
9. Human Big Mac
Prove that you are what you eat with this monstrous double cheeseburger. Slimming design hides all your imperfections behind it’s two all foam patties, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun (sorry, special sauce not included). As if it isn’t embarassing enough just to wear a giant cheeseburger, this costume actually turns you into a super sized advertisement for McDonald’s (it has BIG MAC printed all over it).
8. White Trash
To help sell the product, the merchant claims “A white trash can and lid send the white trash message, subliminally but with a direct hit! Add a fake puff puff cigarette, and your own undergarments for a great halloween costume.” Maybe the writers didn’t realize what subliminal meant. It’s like someone saying they’re going to send you a subliminal message to express their anger, then punching you in the stomach. Regardless, you’ll be adept at reading subliminal messages such as ‘lame-o’ if you decide to wear this outfit.
7. Baby woopie cushion
Pictures of a teen boy dressed in a woopie cushion have been floating around the web for a couple weeks, but now the makers of the teen-sized woopie have pushed the limits of woopie cushion technology by adding a baby-sized woopie to their assortment. Some of the baby woopies come with their own sound effects. Don’t worry though … even if you can’t find the latest battery powered baby woopie, we’re sure you’ll still get surprising noises if you accidentally sit on a baby dressed in one of these.
6. Osama Bin Laden
Dress your kid as Bin Laden and hold a neighborhood manhunt … find a good hiding spot for months of hide-and-seek fun. Various sites sell anything from a Bin Laden mask to a complete outfit with turban and realistic gun. Next year’s outfit: a lifesize plush Kim Jong Il with nuclear attache case.
5. The human toilet
Not only will your child be the center of attention in his wearable toilet, but he’ll be the goto guy for TP’ing homes after dark on Halloween (what a great image – your son dressed as a 5 foot tall commode throwing toilet paper in neighbors’ trees). Not only that, but the costume store suggests: “Additionally, a Child toilet costume is perfect for every potty mouth kid–Use as a modern day Dunce cap!!”. Hmmm … maybe they’re onto something … mandatory toilet wearing instead of detention could be the secret to decreasing school violence – why didn’t I think of that!
4. Child Playboy Bunny
What ever happened to little princess and witch outfits? The number of “adult” costumes available for little girls this year is rather surprising. Unless you’re Hugh Heffner and are surrounded by only women for 24 hours a day, or you actually want your little girl to show up on the side of a milk carton, it should be pretty obvious why she shouldn’t be the ‘Bunny Honey Child’ this Halloween.
3. Runny Butt
OK, this is just wrong. It comes with a hand pump connected to the latex buns, and when you squeeze the pump … well, let’s just say it delivers on its name. Guaranteed to draw a colorful crowd. We’re surprised they don’t recommend that it not be used indoors.
2. Almost any pet costume
Don’t worry, Fido won’t feel left out if he doesn’t get a halloween outfit. Pet costumes are even more ridiculous than those worn by their owners. And yes, that is a Yoda Dog tunic … click here for some other bizarre/funny pet costumes.
1. Poo Poo Platter
Yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. You or your kids are sure to be a hit at your neighborhood halloween party when you show up as a large bum brownie on a plate. For some reason it also comes with chopsticks – we don’t dare asking why. To round out the costume, you take along a can or two of traditional fart spray.

Finally, we thought we’d show you our vote for one of the more creative costumes of the year:

Have you seen other really bad costumes? Comment and let us know!
Also … want to get funny stuff from Say No to Crack every day, either in your e-mail or newsreader? Subscribe (it’s free) in the upper right part of the page.

Cartoons about animals are funny … cartoons about cows are even funnier. I have no idea why, but cartoon cows always make me laugh. Speaking of which, I recently stumbled upon a really funny cartoonist who goes by the name of Stik. Here are two of his cartoons that a couple of us here really enjoyed:

Hitching cow:
Grass is greener.

Luke Cowwalker faces his destiny – for fans of George Lucow’s first star wars trilogy (OK – I made up the names, if you don’t like them, don’t knock Stik):
Star Wars cow.

Another contributor here at Say No to Crack initially liked the first cartoon better, but stated that “The star wars one gets funnier every time I look at it.” See for yourself … glance somewhere else for a few seconds and then look at the cartoon again … much funnier the second time. I’ve looked at it so many times that I now think it’s one of my favorite cartoons ever (although I’m a huge Empire Strikes Back fan, so I may be biased).

For more funny cow (and other) cartoons, check out Stik’s blog.

Other crazy Japanese toilet videos

I’m laughing, but at a loss for words, after seeing this Japanese commercial:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

If you liked that one, you’ll probably like this one too:

(if you can’t see the video, click here)

We’ll have to be careful, or this site will become an homage to Japanese silliness.

Feed a pigeon, lose a finger!

Here’s another really funny street sign. This one was taken in San Francisco by AMagill:
Feed a pigeon, lose a finger
And you thought taking your kids to the park to feed the pigeons was a safe and cheap family affair, eh? Luckily the unfortunate fingerless person (who years ago probably sued the city for not posting warning signs) didn’t lose other body parts, it’s bad enough seeing that bird take away a finger 😯

Ready, Set, Flush!

On almost any warm weekend, you can drive through a suburban neighborhood and find at least one blowup bouncy castle, waterslide, pony (with clown), and all types of other entertainment devices rented by parents for their kid’s birthdays. Out of curiousity, I wanted to see how much moolah these parents were dropping so Sally’s birthday would be better than Johnny’s down the street (turns out it’s about $300).

While browsing the surprising vast assortment of bouncy castles, slides, and obstacle courses available on the web, I ran across the following product for rent (this was listed alongside the “Mini Moon Bounce” and “Lil Squirt Water Slide”):
Toilet Seat Racers

This must be a joke, right? Does someone actually produce a cross between a go-cart and a toilet? I had to find out … and the answer is YES! Here’s a video of the toilet seat racers in action:

This doesn’t entirely satisfy my curiosity, there’s so many burning questions left unanswered, e.g.: Do they operate as a traditional toilet as well? What happens when you flush? Do they come with privacy options, or do you have to drive to your nearest closet when the urge strikes?

Since when did our world become so dangerous? Apparently everything we eat can be deadly now: fried foods cause heart attacks, pesticides in fruit cause cancer, eating too little fruit can cause cancer, McDonalds food can lead to high cholesterol and a multi-million dollar self documentary, and lactose (from milk) can cause you to explode.

Wait, what’s that last one? Here’s the news flash: if you’re lactose intollerant, milk products have the same impact on your body as a small thermonuclear bomb. Don’t believe me? Check out this warning that was given to Ted:
Exploding from milk
On the positive side, Tim’s unfortunate reaction to lactose is a huge gain for the U.S. military. Why? Because close to 100% of the world’s population outside the U.S. is lactose intollerant. Now that Say No to Crack has revealed the devastating side effects of milk consumption on these people, we predict that the U.S. government will start dropping large quantities of milk , or even whole cows, over our enemies cities in time of war.

Watch out Al Qaeda – you thought cluster and fuel bombs were scary, wait til we drop 10,000,000 gallons of Organic 2% Chocolate milk and some Iowa heifers into your caves!

Funny Google Adsense Ads

Today we decided to see what would happen if we added some ads to our site (you’ll see them to the righthand sidebar – note that since writing this we have changed around the ad format a bit so you may not see the full ads shown below). Google chooses the ads for us, so we have no control over who is advertising … which made it all the funnier when we saw the ads.

Note that we aren’t allowed to click on any of our own links, so if one looks interesting and you find the site to be funny, let us know so we can visit the site as well.

We weren’t surprised to see lots of joke related ads:
Normal ads
We don’t have any retirement or office jokes yet, so maybe some of these ads will even give us ideas.

There were also plenty of specialty joke sites:
Specialty humor ads
No matter how hard they try, can a medical journal really be funny? If you see this ad and want to find out, let us know what you thought.

My post on wife jokes (here) caused Google to feed some great ads:
Wife ads
eBay selling wives??? They should watch their backs, the Russian mafia may start sending some heavies over here in order to protect their lucrative wife export trade. And the information on the cheating wife? Well, the link took me to a shopping page (I accidentally clicked on this one, and hope that Google doesn’t disband us). I wonder if this is supposed to be a hint – buy something for your wife or she’ll run off? Somebody actually paid Google money to show this ad … very strange.

Google also seemed to think that our name had something to do with home improvement. On some pages, there were more ads for cracked driveways and plumbers than anything else. Plenty of other odd ads popped up as well:
Strange ads
The world’s greatest practical joke is deleting a friend’s hard drive??? I can’t believe they’d pick that practical joke over such classics as: maxing out a friend’s credit card, wrecking your parent’s brand new sports car, or selling your sister into a Chinese sweat shop. Maybe they list those and other similarly harmless practical jokes on their site 😉

« Prev - Next »