Sorry to geek out on you guys, but I’m completely looking forward to this next Batman movie and would you look at this:

That has to be on purpose. That is so cool holy cow.

I’ve pretty much had it with this guy.

Yes, this one.

As far as I’m concerned, the show has jumped the shark (Oh Jeez, no pun intended). How it continues to spark such fanaticism is beyond me. I mean, I’m not surprised it’s still around. Heck, a character like that can last basically forever regardless of its irrelevancy, as long as the makers are good marketers (and Nickelodeon - are you kidding?). Parents still buy their kids carebear, Hello Kitty, Barney, Sesame Street garbage to this day, even though their high points have passed (And no, I will not count the insane collectors or the hipsters who wear it to be ironic. They don’t count in society, they don’t count with me).

When Spongebob became even shriller, ridiculously paced, and flat-out annoying than ever, I imagined it was just a feverish attempt to keep him afloat (OH JEEZ no pun intended) so his beachtowels, clocks, bookbags, and whatever other memorabilia could continue to sell.

Who gets paid to come UP with this junk?

But no.

He still has fans. And not just, eh, it’s on and it’s not Lifetime so why not, fans. Fanatics. And they must be stopped.

If you’d asked me last week why they must be stopped I’d have said, well, because they’re annoying. But today? Today we see this.

They’ve started destroying things - breaking the law - in the name of their rectangular shrill-voiced monster of a god.

We’re onto you now, Spongebob. Your hordes of criminal zombie followers have been outed…and I’ll not be caught with my hands idle. It’s on.

PS: Seriously? Thousands of dollars of damage to a historical building to pay homage to THIS THING? I fear we may be too late to stop the madness.

…after having his picture taken.

And it wasn’t a matter of, “Hey! Stop that man! He took our purses! Quick, take his picture, and we’ll try to get him later!”

No. It was a matter of, “Hey! Let’s take each other’s pictures! Aw, some dumb jerk just jumped in front of the camera, forcing me to take his picture. Oh, well.”

Later that night, that dumb jerk stole the ladies’ purses, forgetting that he’d earlier handed them all the evidence they’d need to find him.

He was later caught, using that picture. Congratulations, drunken dumb guy. You make law enforcement easy.

*As an aside, I find it weird that the headline of that news article is warning robbers not to do what this guy did. You’d think they’d encourage more people to do it, considering.

So I just got a new batch. These are ridiculously entertaining for me, but I know better than to keep encouraging them. Unless something drastically amazing happens after these, I’ll probably just ignore them from here.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is some kind of crazy spy code, though.

having turtles along is still I never/
I know managed playing then did visit most to ramble often I know/
berries. and went think were the best,/
names. let it go. I was trees think them. forts/
rewarding knew friends his the vast crashing down of my School up across beechnuts were the best,/
else a bit of crashing down the forests for the could reach. even know my misguided still there./
I thought plants a bit of plants the vast that day. visit along chunk Now,/
by helping well and foxes the tree,/
I’d surprise could reach. front yard snapping berries. places a job neighborhood having will never they had/
a scientist. community by helping came Years later, I still/

###

I was trees think them. Forts.

Poetry.

Okay, you guys. Finals are finally over and I’m starting to recuperate nicely. My absence from here has been spent writing 10 page essays, researching topics, editing documentaries, and flipping right the heck out.

I don’t have to do this anymore.

Upon my return to SayNoToCrack, I decided to have a look through the comments and approve new ones and toss out the spam our filters miss sometimes. It’s no mystery that a lot of spam messages are made by some random word generator with links on every other word to random sites of ill repute. But today I found a great deal of these randomly generated messages with no links at all. A different name, e-mail address, and homepage (from nonexistent sites to amazon.com) were listed for each comment, but they all came from the same address.

Reading through them, I cannot help but wonder two things. First, is this spam some sort of message, ad is it spam at all or some misunderstanding? Second, does this make sense to everyone else and the reason I don’t get it is that finals finally just fried the last bit of my brain?

YOU decide! Here are all the mystery (spam?) comments, in order of posting (The “/” signifies the end of the comment; added by me for clarity).

The tale of the Mystery Commentor.

reaction and went chunk to my parents else were punished we watched and saw and saw trees probably/
I don’t know competing huge tree in a hollow we watched chunk and foxes I got I grew Years later, a pair that the/
will never We need turtles bellowed by year. for a while, with box and we/
sour, with box removing black Years later, The hollow front yard home adventures. up to I never/
were told chunk by themselves all what that day. were punished I’d hoped/
to ramble Behind for a while, beech log. playing planted these trees adventures./
leaf a job We had he got now gardening/
I even leaves from had probably leaves him. I even/
off the boys forts a job berries. scissors It is/

###

Scissors it is.

An Internet Cookie to the person who makes the most sense out of it. Go!

Congratulations, Tom!‘

Woohoo! Tom! You win!

HEADLINE: “Dog Trains Woman to ‘Sit’ On Command”

Very funny. And congrats everyone, those were some awesome captions. They all cheered me up, right until I remember my life is hell until finals are over. Oh sweet heaven.

Quick, try to distract yourself with this kitten (I know I sure am):

Man, sure wish I could relax like that.

As a reminder, here is the photo we’ll be captioning…

And here are the first 18 captions to be submitted. I think the poll we used last time was far too cluttered, so I’m going back to assigning each caption a number. Vote for your favorite by posting its number in the comments! Happy voting (and no cheating, please).

1. “I smell bacon…” - AmyOops
2. “Are you deaf?! I don’t wanna catch the darn frisbee anymore!” - Pixie
3. “I AM….SICK…OF THIS…&%&#….FRISBEE SH*@!” - Tom
4. “Can you hear me now?” - Andy
5. “Despite her bad taste in fashion as well as the harrasment from various animal lover groups, Ethel enjoyed her new ear rings.” - Hugo Sparrow
6. “It was only AFTER Lasik surgery that Mary realized she had a levitating dog stuck to her face for the past 30 years.” - Schnitzelboi
7. “And one day, Sparky decided that running after endless amounts of frisbees was not worth any amount of milkbones.” - Jeff
8. “After one critique too many, Daisy shows the trainer her new and improved straddle leap.” - Faith
9. “Later, Maria realized the folly of wearing the dog treat necklace.” - Heather
10. “HEADLINE: ‘Dog Trains Woman to ‘Sit’ On Command’ ” - Tom
11. “O why did i eat 10 boxes of mexacan jumping beans” - GOD
12. “After an unnerving end to her real bone earrings, woman decides to shop more ethically in the future.” - Sha
13. “Famous back in the good old 90’s, dangly kibble earrings went out of fashion after several tragic incidents.” - Jefftexas
14. “Today was not the right day to wear Ode de Cat.” - Finicky Penguin
15. “Listen…Do you want to know a secret….Do you promise not to tell…” - madbong23
16. “Fluffy didn’t wanna grow up to catch Frisbees. Fluffy wanted to grow up to be a crocodile…” - jake
17. “I SAID…..HAVE YOU CHANGED THE BATTERIES IN YOUR HEARING AID LATELY ?!?!?!?” - Andy
18. “Finals Approach: an interpretive dance by dog and trainer.” - Karen

#####

Vote away, fair readers! And good job captioneers, these are some of the best I’ve ever seen.

Before you tell me, I’m already aware the photoshop nature of the photo. But I think it is quite appropriate for a caption contest. I know it hasn’t been that long since our last one, but finals have got me down and it always cheers me up to see the hilarious stuff you guys come up with.

My caption: finals approach: an interpretive dance by dog and trainer.

Sometimes, a joke will make a person laugh. Sometimes a funny picture or video will. Sometimes a clever song, a dramatic accident, the misfortune of others…nothing is ever guaranteed to make everyone laugh. Except for the sound of babies laughing.

Try to make it through all of these videos without at least chuckling a little. It’s even harder if it’s late at night.

Hahahaha

It’s probably close to this kid’s bedtime, I think…

This baby just might grow up to seek world domination.

Spoons, man.

This kid will grow up to be the ‘distinctive laugh’ guy in all the comedy clubs.

Violence is hilarious!

Wow…did any of you make it all the way through without cracking a smile? Well then prepare to have that icy heart melted with the power of baby laugh times four:

Hoping your day is a little brighter. Mine sure is…there are literally hundreds of laughing baby videos out there from all over the world and sifting through them was far too much fun.

I know I spend a lot of time away from you all. I don’t know what the average age/career of the Saynotocrack reader is, but here on my end, I’m a student, and it’s FINALS TIME. I’m sorry, that lacked appropriate tone, let me try again.

It’s

And so as my brain slowly dissolves into oatmeal and sliiides out my ears, I’ve found myself actually doing research on random things, rather than research on assigned things. This is a new level of procrastination for me.

But my wanderings across the internet have actually led me to a startling discovery. There is a plant, organic, naturally wild, that contains more iron and calcium than spinach, more beta carotene than carrots, and tons of vitamins and minerals, as well as being good for your liver and having antioxidant effects. Can you guess what it is?

Dandelions.

These things.

These blights of lawn care are actually healthier than most vegetables that you have to pay money for at the grocery store, and they grow wild and free, everywhere. Turns out they can be turned into salads, soups, pasta, tea, wine, fritters, literature…they’re these incredible herbs and everyone hates them! They scorn them, they try and weed them out!

Can you believe it?

Yes, because they taste horrible. Instead, we should all enjoy nicer, tastier foods like these…

this…is what finals do to me.